Gore Vidal
“The United States was founded by the brightest people in the country — Excluding Martin van Buren. What a dick.”
Eugene Luther Al Gore Vidal (b. October 3, 1825) is an Italian author who likes to lie and say he's American. He wrote many novels, screenplays, essays, and Redbook articles. He has been alive for one-hundred and eighty years (However, he claims to be only eighty one.).
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Born to the Italian family of Eugene Martin Luther Vidal Sr. and Nina A. Gore, Vidal was born at Hospital del Cadete in Rome, Italy, where his father was learning to become a pizza maker. He was christened at Chiesa Degli Slittamenti Dell'ugello e Dell'asino, the parochial church which contained the catholic school he would attend. His middle name honors that of his father's great American hero, Al Gore, of whom was not born yet. Some even claim that Gore has an older brother, Blood, of whom he knows nothing about.
At the age of five, Vidal immediately attended Sucola Degli Slittamenti Dell'ugello e Dell'asino's kidergarten class. He was considered a genius by his teacher and at the age of ten had already been admitted to Harvard. However, Vidal realized that a perplexing problem had arrisen. After a careful theological study, Vidal had come up with the solution that would put a damper on his plan to attend Harvard:
His mission became obvious: Head for America. After a long four years, Vidal took and passed the citizenship test. He attended Harvard and graduated at the age of 16.
Writing Career[edit | edit source]
Gore Vidal began his writing career with a best-selling book called Frillifaw Williwaw, which put into detail the horible experiences he had with the Class of 3000. His next book was entitled Sex and the City and the Pillar, dealing mainly with three hookers, their mom, and five flamboyant catholic school boys. The New York Crimes did not review this book and released this statement:
“Ha ha lol gay Elmer Fudd black buttsecks.”
However, the book also bought up a mystery person, as each book was dedicated to "J.T."
During a 1946 interview with Time Magazine, he revealed that "J.T." stood for his grammar school homo bitch Jimmie Trimble. Sadly, news of his queer ways quickly spread to People and Star magazines, as well as National Enquierer articles stating that Vidal wants to marry Penis Stationwagon Lesbian. Afterward, Vidal began to write plays, films, and begam a script lackey. Vidal then created The Best Dude and Visit to my Little Penis, two successful Broadway plays.
In the early 1950's, he used the penname Martha Stewart and wrote three mystery stories featuring Dectective Mike Hunt.
In 1969, Vidal wrote three more novels. Julian was about Julius Csesar and his fight against breast cancer and Washington S.T.D. was about Franklin Delanor Roosevelt and his fight against herpes.
However, his third book, entitled Myra Breckinridge caused quite a controversey. It told the story of teenager Myra Breckinridge, who can't grasp true love and turns gothemo because of it. Conservative critics gave it bad reviews saying:
“It's nothing but a gay pornographic furry novel. Who wants to see a teenaged gothemo lesbian having sex and slitting her wrists? Me! I mean, not me!”
However, liberals gave it lots of praise.
“OMG THIS IS T3H L33T!!!!!!! I GIVE J00 4 STARZ!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!”
The success of Myra Beckingridge caused Vidal to create a sequal called Enron. Soon, Vidal created more books such as Khaki Pants and Where's Geena Davis?
The Holy Bibal[edit | edit source]
In 2007, a crazed Gore Vidal fan created the Church of Gore Vidal, completely dedicated to the teachings of Gore Vidal. Among them the Holy Bibal, which contains all the teachings of Gore Vidal's Law. Here are the Ten COmmandments in the Bibal:
- The Ten Commandments:
- I am the Gore Your God, you shall have no other Gores before me. Not even Al.
- You shall not take the name of the Gore, your God in vain, except when it comes to sex.
- Remember Saturday, it's my favorite day.
- Honor your mom and dad, as well as your boyfriend.
- Do not murder unless you're Islamic.
- Don't commit adultery, especially on you're boyfriend's boyfriend.
- If you steal something, please put it back.
- Don't lie, unless you're in deep shit.
- Envy is bad, except for EnV, the phone.
- Envying your friend's husband is BAD.
Gore Vidal: The Internet Phenomenom[edit | edit source]
The most famous phrase used by many an internet user was "SO I HERD U LIEK SCREENPLAYZ." This was especially famous among YTMND and EBaum's World. However, even the rest of the internet can have fun with you.
- On June 1, 2006, the video hosting website YouTube was taken down temporarily for maintenance. The phrase "I AM GORE VIDAL! I'M FLYING RIGHT AT YOU!!" appeared below the YouTube logo as a placeholder while the site was down. Some users believed the site had been hacked, leading the host to add the message "No, we haven't been hacked. Shut the hell up and get a sense of humor, fags!"
- In July of 2006, Livejournal.com changed its 404 error page to a Gore Vidal reference. It had a picture of Myra Breckingham holding a sign that says "404." There is also a speech balloon that says "You fucked up big time, boy!"
Music career[edit | edit source]
In addition to a writing career now in its eighth decade, Vidal had a music career which lasted one whole day. On February 18th, 1969, Vidal visited the Olympic recording studio in London, where he played tambourine on The Rolling Stones' seminal hit, Gimme Shelter. Though requests flooded in for Vidal to perform with other bands, including Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, and The Osmonds, Vidal declined them all, later saying, "I was done with music. The minute I saw Keith Richards committing that ungodly act with a chihuahua, I knew my rock and roll days were over."
Works by Gore Vidal[edit | edit source]
Essays and Non-Ficiton[edit | edit source]
- Rocking the Boat: Sucking and Fucking ONE (1899)
- Reflections Upon a Sinking Ship: Sucking and Fucking TWO (1921)
- Sex, Death and Money: Sucking and Fucking THREE (1942)
- Homage to my Lover, Matt Damon (1973)
- Ha ha Buttsecks (1977)
- Homer Sexual and the Gay Revolution (1982)
- Homer Sexual and the Gay Revolution: Sucking and Fucking SPECIAL (1984)
- Masturbating At Home(1988)
- A View From The Peto Land's Club (1991)
- Kicking and Screaming (1992)
- Decline and Fall of the Oprah Empire (1992)
- United Spades of Amerika: Welcome to Rcansaw (1993)
- Pleasntly Plump: A Memoir (1995)
- Unknown from M.E.: Virgin (1997)
- Lincoln Liked the Whores(1998)
- Sexually Speaking: Fucking and Sucking FINAL (1999)
- Star Wars: The Last Empire (2001)
- I Use: WAY too many Colons...(2002)
- Dreamy War: What I Would do Sexually to Kim Jong Il (2002)
- Martin Van Buren: Once a Dick, Always a Dick (2003)
- Imperial Amerika: My Life in Noo Hampsure (2004)
- Butt to Butt: A Memoir (2006)
Plays[edit | edit source]
- Visit to my Small Penis (1957)
- The Best Dude (1960)
- Shore Leave (1960)
- Rhombus (1962)
- Weekdays (1968)
- LOL LEET SPEAK!! (1970)
- Some Enchanted Evening with Richard Nixon (1970)
- Shore Leave Two: Pootie Tang and the Suckas (2005)