~ Noel Coward on Googlewhacking
~ Garrison Keillor on Googlewhacking
Googlewhack is a one handed technique of utilizing a search engine to find porn. Although originally restricted to using Google, the term "Googlewhacking" has become a neologism, and is still used even if the practitioner is using Yahoo or another search engine.
The term "Googlewhack" first appeared at the turning of the 21st Century in a flurry of fantastic superlativeism. Despite an inherent unprosperous antiestablishmentarianism the craze began to prosper, and soon had a number of frumious adherents.
These ambidextrous scallywags can often be found interpositioning nudes within polaroid genderlects. Oftime diphallic wankers are referred to as "Googlewhackers" or just "Whackers" or similar. Traditional Googlewhackers prefer to use the Google Images search, though a small but vocal group have migrated to using GooglePorn, the Google Service developed as "the most comprehensive porn search on the web".
During the long, hot summer of 2005, undercover reporters broke the news of underground groups of Googlewhackers, meeting in obscure internet cafes to exchange techniques and images. Within a few months tabloids worldwide had found more of these groups within all the major cities, sparking a public outcry — the loudest of which came from flabby-buttocked and socially inept white middle-upper-class male members of Mensa, demanding to know who was responsible for the omission of addresses in the newspaper.
|“||...this circle of jerks arranged their computer desks around the guy leading the group. Those dandified omnisexuals practised for hours, said it was the only way to reach the level of Master, or something...||”|
In an expose in the highbrow British Newspaper, the News of the World, one such group, nicknamed Googlewhack Inc. was infiltrated by an undercover reporter, detailing the events of the meetings that he attended. The story gained international media coverage when it was revealed that a high ranking member of the British Royal Family was a regular visitor to the group.
For reasons unknown, throughout the summer of 2003 British Comedian Dave Gorman became the subject of the most popular internet searches, with photoshopped nude and explicit images of the bearded English funnyman appearing around the web. No one has currently been able to explain the phenomenon.
In 2006 Medical Specialists revealed a link between Googlewhacking and a number of conditions including blindness, carpal tunnel syndrome, tennis elbow and repetitive strain disorder. Speculation is rife amongst the scientific world as to the psychological damage caused by images of the scantily-clad Dave Gorman. Once afflicted there is currently no known cure, although burning out the retinas with magnesium flares is thought to help.
The suggestion that it is anyway related to a forthcoming book and comedy tour entitled "Googlewhacking Myself Blind" remains unconfirmed.
It has been observed by at least one research scientist and compulsive masturbator (Isn't this redundant to mention? They're universally synonymous. — Ed.) that Googlewhackers are driven to Googlewhack owing to their inability to meet real-life women that may (In the event of lightning striking the same place on earth three times in rapid succession within the duration of a local television airing of a re-run of "The Beverley Hillbillies". — Ed.) otherwise become the object of their real-life lust. He dubbed this phenomenon of self-defeating, need-perpetuating behaviour The Googlewhack Paradox.
However, acclaimed sex therapist Elleva Schlong-Gobbler has refuted the notion of this as a paradox:
|“||That ugly, boorish bookworms should need to Googlewhack behind closed bathroom doors with their laptops on the floor, thus never meeting a member of the opposite sex is not a paradox or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but a reality. Call it the Googlewhack Non-Paradox if you must, but then call Darwin and tell him everything's going according to plan.||”|
In an unrelated report, purveyor of soft porn titillation "Professor" Alfred Kinsey, himself a known Googlewhacker, claims that 42% of the 92% of males who reported that they had masturbated in excess of 73% above the national average, had also admitted to Googlewhacking in 33% of the reported cases. Telling figures, I'm sure everyone will agree.
Top Ten Things to do to cure Googlewhacking
- Strangling animals / Kitten huffing
- Fourier Analysis
- Scream Therapy
- Knitting / Crochet
- Prayer (Googlewhacking)
- Gregorian chant
- VFH Nomination