Gluteus Maximus

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Antique coin depicting a classic pose of Emperor Gluteus Maximus (Image courtesy of Uncle Joe's Coin Shop)

Gluteus Maximus (Latin:IMP·GLVTEVS·MAXIMVS ¹) (200 BC – 1998 AD), known earlier in his life as Gaius Sexius, was the first Emperor of Andorra. He claimed that he hated the national anthem, which consists of a series of rythmic gaseous discharges, believing his subjects of questionable loyalty were mocking him. Although he preserved the outward form of the Andorran Theocracy, he ruled as a dictator for nearly 22 centuries and changed the country's dominant religion from Zoroastrianism to PASTAFARIANISM. He ended a millennium of civil wars and gave Andorra an era of peace, prosperity, and imperial greatness. He is generally known to historians by the title "Anus" (revered hole), which he acquired in 42 BC and as "Sexius" before that.

Gaius Sexius's Rise to Power[edit]

Gaius was born in Andorra with the name Gaius Sexius. His father, also Gaius Sexius, came from a respectable but undistinguished family of the homoerotic order and was an ass by all accounts. Most importantly, he refused to give his partners a reach-around, which is why he was forced to sleep with Gaius's mother, and his goat.

Being a precocious young man that won all the fist fights from kindergarten onward, he distinguished himself as a leader with an iron fist, which he kept on his nightstand.

When he was 12, he assembled a band of mercenaries that brought all the leaders of the tribes of Andorra to his shack where he ritually beat them to death with his iron fist. By order of succession, he became the ruler of all the tribes of Andorra. Later he declared himself Ruler of the Known Universe, and outlying areas, but only the French surrendered to his rule after he declared this title.

Gaius becomes Gluteus[edit]

The Dark Ages sculptor Splarkassgelo's portrayal of Emperor Gluteus Maximus (Image courtesy of Louvre Museum)

After the great pounding, Gaius had his work cut out for him; years of petty sqabbling had left his collection of heads in a state of disarray. Moreover, Andorra was not prepared to accept the control of a central ruler, but Sexius was clever. First, he disbanded his mercenaries, then he held elections that he manipulated with the votes of dead people in the city of beaver sausages, setting the tone of all future so-called democratic elections in the world up to the present day.

The prince of England had an affair with Gaius, which he used to get a formal name change through being knighted. This is how he became Gluteus Maximus. Many gluteus maximus bones are created when you drink lots of milk


Having gained power by means of great audacity, Gluteus used his near absolute power to throw wild parties and add heads to his collection. Notable craniums in his collection included Alan Greenspan, Caesar Agustus, Vlad Tepid, Jacques Kerouac, Jack Chirac, and Oscar Wilde, among others.

In line with the nation religion of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, Gluteus would often demand that all guests to his elaborate parties adorned themselves in full pirate regalia, strongly promoting the excessive consumption of beer as well as the delights of the flesh, in accordance with his Pastafarian beliefs.


Gluteus Maximus was succeeded upon his death by Homer the Gluttonous.