Geoff Keighley

Geoff "Gaming Overlord" Keighley
The God of Gamers in his natural habitat. What a sight to behold.
Supreme Overlord of Everything Gaming Related
In office June 24, 1978 – Eternity
Personal details
Born	June 24, 1978 Toronto, Canada
Spouse	Hideo Kojima
Children	Gamers don't procreate.
Residence	Basement of the Kojima Productions Building
Occupation	Professional Corporate Shill

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Gandhi, or God?

Big Man Geoff Keighley, (Born June 24, 1978), also known as the Dorito Pope, or that one guy who always has weird Muppet skits on his show, is a Canadian video game journalist and the theorized reincarnation of Christ. Geoff is known for his overwhelming compassion, godlike tendencies, and overall love of video games. Geoff loves video games so much in fact, that he created the Game Awards, a show dedicated to sucking off whatever game corporation is most profitable at the moment.

Before Geoff Keighley became the high-profile gaming celebrity he is today, he was your run of the mill journalist with IMAX executive parents. He wrote a lot of very interesting pieces such as "The Final Hours" series, which were a few books detailing the development of various Valve games such as Portal 2 and Half-Life. He also wrote his most famous article "Why Doesn't Everyone Recognize Hideo Kojima as the Best Developer Ever?" which kick-started his habit of giving figurative (and probably literal) blowjobs to Hideo.

The Classic Era of Geoff

Early Life

Geoff grew up in suburban Toronto, so it is safe to say he is from the streets. He was born to Patricia and David Keighley, average people who worked blue-collar jobs as IMAX executives. As such, Geoff spent a lot of his time around rich white people, which is probably the main reason why his sense of humor revolves around Muppet skits and one-liners. Despite evidence for this childhood, some people have theorized that Geoff is actually Australian due to the spelling of his name. He has publicly addressed this, saying his father was simply drunk when spelling his name on his birth certificate.

At some point during Geoff's childhood, he somehow fell in love with video games. This would lead to his parents to convince the people working on Cybermania '94, the first video game awards show, to let a fourteen year old boy write a few lines for the presenters to say. Researchers at IGN have determined these lines set back public perception of video games twenty years. Geoff would eventually start hosting award shows, which some people consider to be a decision worse than the Vienna art school rejecting Hitler.

Career

When Mr. Keighley turned eighteen, he enrolled into the University of Southern Carolina to obtain a degree in business. This marked the first, and to this day, only instance of a gamer making it to college. After graduating, Geoff pitched a series of long-form articles to GameStop exploring the development of popular video games. The chimpanzees employed as the board of directors at the time eagerly accepted, seeing as Geoff had offered them five bananas if they financed the articles, a tactic he learned in business school.

Geoff then wrote some article about the development of the Unreal engine, because he knew Epic Games' founder as a child in Toronto, further supporting Socrates' theory that rich white people love Canadian cities. After this, Geoff did a bunch of freelance work, writing for various companies such as Gamespot and Kotaku, and worked with companies like Valve. This earned him a lot of street cred in the video game industry, which eventually led to Spike TV allowing him to host Game Trailers with Geoff Keighley.

Thanks to his work with Spike TV, and various other companies, plus a few satanic rituals for good luck, he was eventually invited by the producers of Spike TV's Game Awards to host the show. This led to various years of Geoff Keighley doing a bunch of stuff that I'm too lazy to write about. We are getting to the good stuff soon, I promise.

At some point, Geoff left Spike TV, probably because they were not providing enough Doritos for him to consume. This led to him having his Hitler stepping into his first Nazi rally moment, which was convincing Microsoft in 2014 to finance The Game Awards. Bill Gates, professional microchip vaccine injector, saw the show as an immediate opportunity to advance his quest to enslave Gamers. And such, TGA began.

Controversies

It is common knowledge that Gamers are a bunch of pricks and are never happy about anything, and as such, got really mad at Geoff Keighley for doing so much as breathing. His first big controversy was in 2016, when I shit you not, the Shick Hydrobot, a fucking razor company mascot, kept butting into the show at completely random times. It was obvious that Geoff forgot Gamers do not know of the concept of personal grooming, or are very afraid of it, which was a grave oversight on his part.

There have also been very common complaints that Geoff Keighley loves corporations too much. The only times he ever really lets anyone speak is if they are, his boyfriend Hideo Kojima, a celebrity having an inane cameo, or someone shilling a big corporation. Otherwise, you're not really allowed to say more than a paragraph during your speech. Sadly, due to Geoff being God, nobody can do anything about this.

There was also that one time in 2020, where Geoff gave the Game of the Year award to The Last of Us 2, a video game that included a woman in it. This obviously appalled the gaming community at large, because of the very visible "No Girls Allowed" sign on the front door of the secret gaming headquarters in Atlantis. Geoff addressed it with a youtuber-esque apology, literally saying "sorry you guys thought it was rigged, it wasn't haha!"

The Modern Era of Geoff

Geoff power-posing to intimidate the Jews.

Geoff Keighley VS. The Jews

In 2022, self-proclaimed Professional Semite, Matan Even, took the opportunity to interrupt the Game of the Year acceptance speech to nominate the award to his Orthodox Rabbi Bill Clinton. This sent Geoff Keighley into a furious rage, in shock and disbelief that someone would ruin the sacred ceremony that is the Game Awards. Later that day, he tweeted out "What Hitler begun, I, Geoff Keighley shall finish. I shalt be removing the Player's Choice award from the show, and making many other changes, to remind Gamers that I am your God, and thou shalt not speak when I am presiding over the space. All Gamers must attend a mandatory military training meeting tomorrow, I command you."

Suffice to say, gamers were absolutely overjoyed. Seeing as Geoff Keighley now possessed the same discriminatory spirit that they had for years, and accepted him as their god. The next day, the training begun, and Geoff began to mobilize his gamer troops with the help of his husband Hideo Kojima, and the CEO of Frito-Lay, because Geoff is the biggest Doritos supporter ever. This turn of events greatly worried the Society of Jewish Aliens, who knew that if war broke out, they would lose due to the stench of the average gamer being considered a deadly weapon.

As such, Geoff eventually agreed to sign a peace treaty with the Jewish people, under the terms they would all be forced to watch the Game Awards and Matan Even be executed. The Jews agreed, and there was no war, and in the 2023 Game Awards, Geoff decided to make the masterful decision to reinstate the Player's Choice Category, and add the Best Layoffs category. Gamers were unhappy with the show though, because Geoff was no longer antisemitic, and as such felt deeply betrayed by their leader.

Geoff Today

You'll be happy to know, dear reader, that Geoff is still pumping out the Game Awards each year, and still getting into many controversies, such as one about playing music too early during speeches. There are some rumors about him retiring and moving into the mountains to raise goats with his husband Hideo Kojima, but only time will tell whether that is true or not.