Fossil fuel

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Types of Fossil Fuels

Natural Gas Natural gas, like Iocane powder, is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is among the world's more deadly poisons. Christians solipsistically deny its existence completely.
Coal For over a century, coal was used purely to teach the American Negro slave proper shovelling technique before it was discovered to be a powerful fuel. Prior to that time, coal enjoyed a brief history as a powerful aphrodisiac, then emetic, then carcinogen.
Oil Also known as "Texas tea," oil was, in fact, used to sweeten tea in Texas for over a century before it was definitively proven to be (a) not sweet, and (b) single-handedly responsible for the incredibly low standardized test scores of Texas school-children. It is now believed that the current habit of sweetening beverages with asbestos and lye is responsible for the persistent, incredibly low standardized test scores of Texas school-children.
Rigs are platforms designed to pump oil or natural gas from the ground or ocean floor. Scientists estimate that approximately 5% of rigs are actually Decepticons surreptitiously converting our fossil fuels into energon cubes.

Fossil fuels, including coal, oil, pudding and natural gas, are hydrocarbon-rich non-renewable sources of energy formed from plants and animals that lived more than 300 million years ago. Go ahead and re-read that paragraph, retard. I'll wait.

Overview[edit | edit source]

The remains of those prehistoric organisms, chemically altered after being subject to crushing geological forces, are found in deposits beneath the earth, where they are jealously guarded by Satan and his unclean spirits on account of their rich Hellfire-fueling potential. They are burned to release heat energy, which eventually is converted into electricity powering everything from dildos to mechanised anal plungers. While critics of industrial nations' energy "policies" often accuse first-world nations of being "addicted" to fossil fuels, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, most nations could quit at any time, and America can't believe that bitch called social services on it.

Because understanding the origin of fossil fuels requires a belief in an earth more than twenty years old (as well as at least a rudimentary understanding of geology, science, and reason) their existence is hotly disputed by fundamentalist Christians, who refer to coal and oil as "Satan's stool" and "Satan's semen" respectively.

It is a generally held belief that most economically viable sources of fossil fuels will be exhausted by the year 1972. When the world runs out of fossil fuels, it is widely believed that most societies will fall back on the rich grease reserves in 1970's John Travoltas hair or the infernal "fear machines" previously banned by the Catholic Church in 1579. Studies showing that the rich timber reserves of Narnia could be harvested to meet the world's energy needs are inconclusive, as it is unclear whether that old professor will permit earth moving equipment into his walk-in closet.

Final proof[edit | edit source]

A Typical Gas Station

Fossil fuels are the most compelling evidence against Creationism.

If there were gaps in the fossil record, fires would occasionally stop burning, due to a lack of fuel, then start again in an entirely new form. (This is the Intelligent Combustion theory).

A widespread criticism of Creationists is that they are happy to use fuel to burn witches, but refuse to acknowledge the theosophical dilemna this presents them with.

Contingency Plans[edit | edit source]

In case we ever run out of Fossil Fuels due to mass consumption or people taking them away, we have been making methods to wean us off these. We have Alternate fuel sources.