Fire alarms

Fire Alarms are systems designed to warn building occupants of a fire, typically used as a plot device or as a way to get out of personal responsibilities in exchange for potential criminal liability. They were invented in 1852 by William F. Channing, originally as a means to automatically alert his friend Moses G. Farmer to the presence of a burning bush. Though the first fire alarms were restricted to street corners, they were eventually allowed indoors and have been impossible to get rid of ever since.

Parts of a fire alarm system

Fire Alarm Panel (FAP)

The fire alarm panel is an arcade cabinet designed for people with autism. These people will tell you that the correct term is Fire Alarm Control Panel (FACP). There are two main types of panels. Conventional systems are too dumb to tell you the alarm's exact location, while addressable systems' ability to create confusion relies on the programming technician being too dumb to provide proper device descriptions. There are four main states a panel can be in:

• Trouble, which indicates a malfunction and is the default state for all systems. They may occur due to a dirty device, depleted backup batteries, or when drug user removes a smoke detector from his or her apartment. NFPA 72, the National Fire Alarm Code, requires that big box retailers have at least one trouble on their panel at any given time.
• Alarm, which indicates that work is cancelled for the day, unless you are a firefighter or fire alarm technician. They also occur as part of monthly fire drills, which is when a school is on its period.
• Supervisory, a lower-priority signal which means that further investigation is required. Devices programmed as supervisory may include sprinkler valve tamper switches, duct detectors, and in-apartment smoke detectors.
• Normal is a nirvana-like state where no malfunctions or faults are detected by the panel. "Detected by the panel" is the key phrase here, as this state of pure bliss is bound to be ruined when the inspectors stop by.

Smoke Detectors

Many normies confuse smoke alarms with smoke detectors. While smoke alarms are technically smoke detectors, not all smoke detectors are smoke alarms. The smoke detectors used in fire alarm systems typically don't make any noise, except when they do. If you're not confused yet, don't worry. Smoke detector heads can be attached to a variety of different bases, including relay bases and sounder bases. In contrast, the average fire alarm technician will likely never even reach first base in his lifetime.

Smoke detectors come in two basic varieties. The older ionization type operates using the decay of a radioisotope (usually americium 241) to create a tiny current between two electrodes, which is interrupted when smoke enters the chamber. The newer and more effective photoelectric type uses a tiny infrared beam inside the chamber, and a sensor oriented perpendicularly. When smoke enters the chamber, the infrared light is scattered onto the sensor. This type has been demonstrated to be more effective and less prone to nuisance alarms. NFPA 72 specifies that anybody who understands the difference between the two is considered an honorary virgin.

The beam detector operates like a photoelectric smoke detector on a massive scale, projecting an infrared beam across the entire room - either to a separate receiver, or to a reflector that retransmits the beam back to a sensor on the unit. An alarm condition is registered when the beam becomes sufficiently obscured by smoke. This is useful for areas with high ceilings, where smoke would be blocked by an air temperature inversion before it's able to reach a traditional spot-type detector. Beam detectors should not be confused with bean detectors, which are designed to prevent rectal fires in the aftermath of taco night.

The aspirating smoke detector uses kitten huffing. A central detector is equipped with pipes that are distributed throughout the protected area. Like beam detectors, these are typically conventional devices that interface with addressable panels via a monitor module.

Heat Detectors

Technically not considered life safety devices, heat detectors are used in locations where smoke ordinarily occurs, such as a kitchen, garage, boiler room, or Snoop Dogg's house. They are also be used in dusty or dandruffy environments, such as a workshop or dust production facility. They can be further broken down into two types. The fixed-temperature variety trips at a specific temperature. Common values are 135, 155, and 194 degrees Fahrenheit. Many fixed-temperature heat detectors are designed to self-destruct after a single use, and thus cannot be tested. In contrast, the rate-of-rise variety responds to a rapid increase in temperature. Many heat detectors combine both elements, and combination smoke/heat detectors also exist.

Duct Detectors

Duck detectors are used to detect the presence of ducks in the air ducts, as the waterfowl often get caught in the air handler's heating coils and cause fires. Duck detectors cannot detect geese, because they are from Canada. These detectors are often ridiculously hard to reach for testing, which is why they often include key switches. Though originally designed for service technicians to test the wiring/programming without having to throw whole smoked ducks into the unit, lazy inspectors also use them based on the false belief that ducks are smart enough to turn a key switch.

Manual Pull Stations

The manual pull station is the most controversial part of the fire alarm system. While The British insist on "pressing a call point" to activate the plastic toys they call fire alarms, we Americans know that there's nothing more satisfying than pulling a lever for a dazzling display of pure acoustic masculinity and flashing lights. However, this presents a problem for people with poor impulse control - it's too much handle for them to handle.

Notification Appliances

The most basic type of notification appliance is the horn. Some horns are mechanical, and sound like the calls of various land mammals. Other horns are electronic and sound more like marine mammals or insects. Though the bell is the stereotypical fire alarm sound, they are uncommon in the United States because American men get aroused at the sight of anything boob-shaped. Bells are common in Canada, where everyone is gay.

Systems in high-rise buildings and all newly-constructed schools are required to have voice evacuation speakers that can be used to broadcast both general and area-specific instructions. Requiring schools to have voice evacuation was probably a mistake, as the systems are often barely audible above the kids' obnoxious chatter.

The invention of deaf people in 1991 saw the introduction of strobes. However, some people become human fidget spinners upon the introduction of rapidly flashing lights, which is why synchronization is now required by NFPA 72. Notification appliances usually come in red, but can also come in white. White fire alarms are no longer allowed to be installed on university campuses due to their policies on diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Sprinkler Devices

Sprinkler systems interface with the fire alarm system using a variety of different devices. Waterflow switches are the most serious, and are often programmed as non-silenceable alarms because water is hazardous to a building even if there is no real fire. Valve tamper switches generate a supervisory condition to notify building personnel that one of the system's valves has been closed.

Other components

Annunciators provide indication and limited control functions at convenient locations, such as a main entrance or security desk. Communicators and dialers interface with the alarm company so that they can relay alarms to emergency responders. City boxes are similar, but connect directly to the municipality's fire department. NAC power boosters provide additional power to notification appliance circuits. While fascinating to learn about, you should consider leaving this page and talking to women instead. Or men, if you're Canadian.

Monitor modules allow conventional devices to interface with an addressable panel, translating the simple electrical signals into English for the panel to understand. They contain one or more zone contacts, each of which corresponds to an address on the panel. These inputs can be programmed as alarm, trouble, or supervisory. Control modules operate on a similar principle, and are used when installers want the system's notification appliances to be difficult and confusing to disable for testing purposes.

In the event of a power failure, fire alarm systems are equipped with backup batteries to provide 24 hours of standby, and 5 minutes of alarm operation. They are supposed to be replaced every five years, but may be left in place for considerably longer if your customer is fuckshit. Most fire alarm systems use sealed lead-acid batteries.

Meet the companies

Simplex

Formerly known as SimplexGrinnell before being bought out by Johnson Controls and being taught how to properly control its johnson to avoid contracting HerpesSimplexGrinnell. Their FAPs FACPs often look and feel like computer towers from the 1990's to early 2000's, with the 4100 series being the prime example. They are very user-friendly when programmed correctly.

Edwards

Also known as the Simplex of Canada. Edwards addressable systems have a feature called "mapping", in which the panel can determine which device is wired to what. However, this system is far from perfect, and many Edwards panels end up with the dreaded "map fault", causing anyone who looks at the panel's display to instantly commit suicide. Did I mention that they were popular in Canada?

Fire-Lite

Fire-Lite is Honeywell's basic bitch brand. Many of their newer panels have plug-in terminal blocks to easily disconnect the initiating and notification circuits for testing and maintenance. A monkey could find his way around the basic programming functions.

Notifier

The more sophisticated Honeywell brand, because the panels are big and come in black. The menus on these panels are more complicated than their Fire-Lite counterparts, but follow the same basic bitch principle. Signal disable is often programmed to a "software zone", and finding which zone it is can be can be a bitch, basically.

System Sensor

The brand under which Honeywell manufactures smoke detectors and signaling devices, such as the i3 line of smoke detectors, and the L-Series. Many of their devices can be used on both 24 volt systems (i.e. real fire alarm systems) and 12 volt systems (i.e. shitty fire/burglary combo panels).

Wheelock

Now owned by Eaton, this company primarily manufactures signaling devices. They are best known for their classic 7002T, which sounds like a skipping record of a llama stepping on a goat's tail. Today, they produce a series of LED strobes called the Eluxa, not to be confused with Alexa. Unlike Alexa, the Eluxa cannot hear what you're doing in the bathroom, and will not send you ads for facial tissues.

Siemens

Heh, heh. You said "Siemens"...

This used to be Cerberus Pyrotronics, or so the Germans would have you believe. Nazi Germany annexed Pyrotronics in 1998, forcing every Jewish employee to take a Halon shower. However, while Halon is an ozone-depleting chemical, it is not immediately deadly in the concentrations used in fire suppression systems, and the majority of participants walked away with lightheadedness and respiratory irritation. Hitler was promptly fired as the CEO of the company and replaced with Angela Merkel. It was during this period that Siemens was sued by Wheelock for patent infringement and forced to discontinue their notification appliances in favor of using Wheelock's, a tradition that continues to this day.

Control functions

Fire alarm systems often control auxiliary functions, causing the building to appear to have a mind of its own. In reality, the fire alarm system is pulling the strings, possessing the building like a demon. Like the more common poltergeist, the fire alarm system can cause doors to close and open spontaneously, mess with the elevator, and cause drafts.

• Elevator recall and shunt trip functions - The elevator will typically have a smoke detector on each floor. Activating any one of these will "recall" the elevator to the ground floor to prevent its use by occupants and to allow firefighters to enter and commandeer it. The smoke detector on the ground floor will send the car to an alternate recall location. The elevator machine room will also have a recall detector, as well as a shunt trip heat detector which will kill power to the elevator to prevent a secondary electrical fire in the event of sprinkler activation. The elevator will also become an easy-bake oven for anybody trapped inside.
• Door holder release drops power to the magnets holding the fire doors open. Fire shutters may also close, and smoke hatches may open.
• AHU fan shutdown may occur when the HVAC system becomes overrun with ducks, or occasionally upon receiving any alarm. Stairway pressurization fans may activate to prevent smoke from entering the stairway. Purge fans suck smoke from an area and vomit it out of the building, much like how a bulimic cheerleader binges and purges on Siemens.

In popular culture

Fire alarms feature heavily in popular culture, and it's all wrong. Pulling the fire alarm will not set off the sprinklers, except when it does. This is called a deluge system, and is typically only used in high-hazard areas such as chemical plants and some aircraft hangars. Deluge systems were first invented by God to purge the wicked people from the earth. The activation of this open-nozzle sprinkler system killed nearly everything on the planet, causing a genetic bottleneck and reducing the average spacing between animals' eyes by two standard deviations.

See Also

• Safety
• Firefighters
• Electricity