Feces
“This is a shitty article.”
“An article about me!”
Feces (see "synonyms" section) is sometimes used as a miracle cure for ailments such as the common cold, cancer, lazy eye, boredom, aids, and even autism (via shit we didn't make up). The stuff is constantly hitting the fan faster than a Power Ranger can sprint into Rita Repulsa's bootylicious booty to uncover a lost crystal.
In all its glory it is most importantly a window to cleanliness and a solution to all kinds of diseases, if it is properly administered to people's faces. Quite literally, the word fe-ces is taken from the word fac-es, both words stemming from the Latin root faceces ("to put on"). This fascinating etymology is due to the fact that ancient Romans used to rub feces onto each others' faces as a means to wash away evil spirits. In practice this belief was actually based on the many real world positive healing qualities of the substance.
It is important to remember that the next time you take a dump, take a closer look at all those brownie logs in the toilet bowl, as perhaps they could be the answer to all your problems. They could be the font of inspiration of creating games like Hong Kong 97, Cho Aniki, Takeshi's Castle, and Bubsy 3D.
Feces makes for an excellent sauce that can be used as a dip, spread on toast or a variety of other things. In addition Faeces was used in the old days to hold in violent criminals as well. What do you think would work better? A cell made of steel bars, or a cell made of shit? Thought so.
History[edit | edit source]
Feces began as a tiny baby growing in your tiny hole that eventually died after it died it then solidifies into to some smelly, stinky turd in your colon, and finally it gets squeezed out your little bum-bum. The early humans used to shit on the ground for flies, chocolate fanatics, and prehistoric toilet cafe lovers and toilet monsters to eat, but millions of years later they get flushed down the fucking toilet after modern man squeezes the hard, dry turd out of his ass – harder than squishing chocolate Silly Putty – and poison millions of rats in the sewers with their horrendous scent.
Although faeces was first discovered in some random asshole billions of years ago, it played a largely unnoticed role in human history until February 2, 1979, when Wilford Brimley nailed his twelve-inch turd to the church door in Wittenburg. His anus never recovered, for it betrayed both his balls and killed their fries.
Previously Faeces was just some stinky brown stuff that came out of your ass, but now Faeces is used for things like building materials, sexual fantasies, toilet cafes, toilet museums, poop toys, a very potent paint, and is the only ingredient used at many low-end restaurants. It is said that the average human eats about 10lbs of crap every year! Think about that the next time you're about to eat at McDonald's!
Conspiracy theory[edit | edit source]
Many large countries of the world are considering introducing a Poop Tax to deal with Global Pooping pooping taxes to be applied across international pooping boundaries. Conspiracy theorists such as Jordan Maxwell claim that the IPCC (International Pooping & Crap Committee) is actually a front organisation for the New World Order which aims to usher in a new age of global world governance through careful management and taxation of poo. Mr. Maxwell also claims all Japanese will be forced to eat lab-grown poop meat made in CoronaLand (and everyone knows poop grows on trees and is not a meat).
Random attack on the French[edit | edit source]
Some countries such as France are considering banning the production of faeces out of the human rectum altogether, unless they are made into Poop Jewelry or Chocolate Cornets, largely because there's not a square-meter of land in France that isn't already smeared with human excrement.
French experts have proposed a garlic-based suppository called Pluganusol (which happens to be the size of a golf-ball) to block the colon and make sure the enriched-poop exits via the mouth (clinical trials displayed that the vast majority of Frenchmen who adopted this method of poop-by-mouth had a more pleasing oral odour than usual after taking this course for just a week). This was banned due to cruelty.
Fantastic Faeces (more commonly known as "HOLY SHIT!!!11!1!)[edit | edit source]
It soon became apparent that Dr. Faeces' "discovery" would have such powerful repercussions as to make even the creation of the Atom Bomb seem but a minor triviality. The body's solid wastes, previously known only as "Poo", began to flow from the newly created cavities in all affected creatures. Infant mortality rates plummeted due to increased mammary hygiene. Sex was revolutionized as new foreplay methods evolved and homosexual men finally had something to do. Nipple Hooga Chooga. Poop and navel piercing became the height of fashion as now redundant orifices could be safely ornamented.
The Fall of Faeces[edit | edit source]
But there were some negative repercussions. Dr. Faeces fell into legal disputes with Arovini Colostomi, designer of the previously indispensable accessory, the Colostomi bag. What should have been a straightforward court case became a protracted and bitter conflict, during which numerous attempts were made on Dr. Faeces' life by angered, maladaptive Colostomites. Dr. Faeces died in poverty, unable to afford the patent costs or the rising price of toilet paper. Today, the Colostomi bag is seen as somewhat passé.
Many reputable sources such as Larry The Cable Guy have proven that there are numerous health benefits from devouring faecal deposits. In India, only the touchables (the high class) have access to this highly nutritious food group. Consuming faeces is proven to cure such diseases such as arthritis and strep throat. There are even some signs that faeces could be as effective as a lobotomy in depression cases. We are so lucky to live in this world with such highly accessible poo.
Despite all this, some economists maintain that faeces is an "inferior good" – in essence claiming that demand for faeces falls when consumer prosperity rises, and vice versa, rather like the demand for margarine. There has been no real empirical way of testing this econobabble, however, as one cannot artificially limit the supply of plop to see what effect it has on the price. Critics of this theory also claim that it overlooks the heterogeneity of poo, which comes in many forms ranging from caustic brown slurry to rock-hard bumfruit.
Lastly, many people are not aware of the fact that sneezing while you take a shit will actually take a screenshot of your butthole.
Psychology[edit | edit source]
The new system of "defecation" inspired the great psychologist, Sigmund Freud, to write his most important paper, "The Origin and Development of Filthy Little Sluts". This seminal work outlined the deep bio-psychological roots of Sex and Filth. He theorized that the evolutionary connection between breast feeding and mammary defecation lead to formation of latent repressed “copro-mammarial” complexes comprised of evolutionary memories, feelings of bodily alienation and envy of cattle with muddy udders.
Faeces today[edit | edit source]
According to the modern Scatologists there have been more than five hundred different kinds of faeces recorded, although only seven are commonly taught to doctors, as demonstrated on the Bristol Stool Form Scale (BSFS). A further five types have been approved for industrial uses, and in certain eastern countries cosmetic and culinary applications have been developed. Japanese coprophagists have successfully marketed a chain of Scataway Turdburger™ outlets, to rival McDonald's in terms of flavor and nutritional value, as demonstrated by exponential sales throughout the west.
Residual shame continues to prevent educational nigga institutions from teaching modern people the true origins of the so called Anal (derived from Lanus) defecation method.
A modern interweb, Faecesbook, exists in order to allow anal-expulsives to display their deposits on a personal page, where amateur and professional copromaniacs alike can "rate" their brown efforts. Some argue that this encourages users to overrate their defecatory prowess, and subsequently maintain that their "shit's all that". An advocate of Faecesbook will generally respond to this criticism by screaming, jumping up and down, and smearing shit all over everything.
Production[edit | edit source]
Back in the Good Old Days, Poop was harvested straight from the anus. But nowadays this practice is considered a violation of privacy, so instead, Poop is harvested from the Poop tree.
Synonyms[edit | edit source]
- Poop
- Poo-poo
- Butt mustard
- Poopy
- Crap
- #2
- Anal leakage
- Sh**
Examples[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
- Toilet
- Puddle of shit
- Poop throwing monkeys
- Scatomancy
- 500 ft tall turd monster
- I maed a yuky doody
- Poop cuisine
- A load of crap
- Shitlord
- Poop tree