Dungeon Siege II

Dungeon Siege II

Dungeon Siege II game case

Developer = Ass Powered Games

Publisher = Microsoft

Distributor = Best Buy

Designer = Bill Gates Because Bill Gates made all, including uncyclopedia

License = Insert joke about license plates here

Series = Dungeon Siege

Engine = Custom v6 3.2L direct fuel injected turbocharged engine with Nitrous Oxide boost modification

Version = 2.20.0.3822.387498729837429370

Released = Never because nobody cares

Genre = Action role-playing game

Modes = Single and Multiplayer modes

Ratings = M, for MANLY

Platforms = Microsoft Windows

Media = 4 CD

Requirements = Windows Vista SP1 or higher, 5.0 GHz CPU, 256 GB RAM, 400 TB Free Hard Drive Space, 40000x Deth-Ray Drive, Ati or better/ nVidia amd Graphics Cards

Input = Mouse Keyboard

Dungeon Siege II is a game with no redeeming value whatsoever, and will probably destroy your mind if you try to finish it. Made by Micro$oft, and Ass(Like the donkey, not the slang term for the human arse) Powered Games. In 2005, after creating the games known as Dungeon Siege and Dungeon Siege: Legends of Arranna, Micro$oft decided to get off its lazy arse, and make a PC game that didn't suck balls. The game has been praised for its innovative plot and its superb graphics. Or at least it would have, had the game been made (See Gameplay)

The Plot

The game has been divided into 4 very plot-friendly pieces, as to make for a very vapid game. The four pieces include:

Intro

The game begins with the protagonist, controlled by you and his/her elf buddy, Drevin, who wears plot armor till the end of the intro section, serving as mercenaries in the army of Valdis, a big douchebag who has aligned himself with a race of Dark Wizards and wields the magical Sword of Zaramoth. The player character and Drevin are ordered to capture a temple held by dryads, who apparanly love that temple enough to put deadly killing machines in there. After the temple is captured, Valdis attacks the mercenaries, calling on the plot twisting powers of M. Night Shamalan. Drevin is killed but the player character is conviniently only knocked unconscious.

Act I

The player character, aka you regains consciousness in the prison of the dryads. Rather than execute him, the dryads force the playa to earn his freedom by helping them in the war against Valdis. After he steals his freedom, he discovers that he is infected with the Plague, a mysterious plot device created by the Dark Wizards that drives its victims to insanity. After being cured by the "holy" and delicious water from an Elven shrine, he feels like hitting up his crapsack hometown. On the way back to his hood, the player character rescues an old man from some plagued Dryads. The old man then describes an event called the Great Goa Tse, caused when the Sword of Zaramoth (owned by, you guessed it, Zaramoth) that Valdis has now com to wield, struck a supposedly indestructible shield called the Shield of the Azunai. The slice shattered the shield, causing a catastrophe that ended the First Age of Wilde. Valdis hopes to cause another such Goa Tse by gathering the shards of the Shield of Azunai so he can shatter it again. The old man then explains the Plot Driven Insanity, saying that it is caused by crystals containing the souls of those banned killed during the war.

Act II

After the player character returns home, he begins to gather the pieces of the shield himself so he can use it against Valdis. After he gathers all of the pieces, he takes them to the Agallan giants so that they can re-forge the shield. As they re-forge it, they place a plot device in the center of it for added durability. This other plot device had previously been worn by Drevin; he gave it to the player character before he was conviniently murdered, for some reason that I can't remember, something to do with ale...

Act III

With the shield re-forged, the player character travels to Valdis’ stronghold known as Zaramoth's Horns (which is totally not phallic in any way, shape or form). The shield protects him from the Dark Wizards' magic, but the battle with Valdis himself proves to be a stalemate until the old man appears and takes the shield from the player character. He gives the shield to Valdis, revealing that he is the most Dark Wizard (The Darkest Wizard? The Wizard who is as dark as a black hole? I'm as lost as you on this one) of them all. Valdis tries to asplode the shield with the Sword of Zaramoth, but when he strikes the shield, his sword shatters instead. Valdis and the player character resume the battle, in which Valdis is killed, because, it ain't a shallow ass plot unless the hero generically wins. (Even though the player character basically causes a half apocalypse to occur in the next game, and everyone hates him)

Gameplay

The gameplay is exceptionally innovative, involving using a mouse to point and click places. Even attempting to explain the precise mechanics will make your processor melt. I mean, who would have thought that you would need 20 goats, a TARDIS, a copy of Bill Gates will, the hair of a you, and some other stuff that even I can't remember. The Genius programmers made sure you need at least 34 gamepads, due to the number of hotkeys needed to play the game, and by play, I mean not die within 30 seconds of playing the game. The programmers, all sadists, designed the game so that if you try to make anything easier to do, your computer will BSOD, and a professionally trained Microsoft grue will come to eat you and your computer.

But this is all a bit too forwards, first, you need to FIND, a copy of the game. This can be hard, as it was A: never released, B: Even The Pirate Bay doesn't have it. If you want to get it, you have to take the Microsoft Games Studio/ Mircosoft Games Division Application Form, perform a few favors for Bill Gates, like sabotoging Apple, Google, Oracle, or Samsung. (What were you thinking GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER) Then, after joining the Microsoft Games Division, kidnap a few devs from Ass Powered,and Chris Taylor. Then, program the rest of the game, so that it is finished, but make sure that you can't advance past one point in Veteran (Medium Difficulty) mode, until you buy the free patch from Microsoft. After the game is finished, then make sure you make it incompatible with anything under the "minimum" requirements, and overload any video card less powerful than a nVidia GTX TITAN. (Make sure you overclock it to 32.3 petahertz, and have liquid gold cooling system.) Once all this is accomplished, come back and then complain.

Critical Reception (In theory)

Nerds in the field of gaming have been called upon to give their idea on what kind of reviews Dungeon Siege II might have gotten had it been released. IGN says: "The game has more potential than World of Warcraft, now that they ran out of ideas with the panda expansion, which was just AWFUL, as long as they don't sell the rights to Square Enix, who would destroy whatever made the series good, and then proceed to fill it chock full of Final Fantasy style elements, therefore destroying whatever reputation Ass Powered Games had as a developer." Critics theorize that the multiplayer would be decent, citing one 12 year old who will only be known as "Generic Timmy". He says: "Sure, the multiplayer may be good, with a decent lobby, and a good interface, but my parents won't let me connect to the GameSpy servers, could you give me an account?" Another gamer, says "Isn't this just a clone of Diablo?" "And why the heck does that old dude not let me get past those logs, he just glitches out!" This game is still a better RPG than AdventureQuest, and has been praised in advance, for such things as "Not being AdventureQuest", and "Looking like it might be an actual RPG, when it is finished of course." Overall, it recieved an average estimated score of 8.2/10, which is good, considering that there isn't any actual gameplay to base this off of...

Future Projects

Micro$oft Games Division has released an official statement, saying that "There will not be a sequel in development... as all our most powerful computer systems couldn't handle the heavy game engine, hell we tried it out on the BlueGene/Q, and now we got a bill to pay for the damn thing, because, it melted the second we put the code in." So don't expect a game soon, as the current one is already so graphics heavy, most test computers are not able to handle it. I mean, one of the most powerful comps on earth, and it can't do a simple pc game?