Darkthrone

Dark throne is a text-based MMORPG.It was originally named after a Norwegian black metal group who disbanded immediately upon learning that their music was so adored by people who own multicolored dice with more than six sides.

Moderators and Administrators

Dark Throne was developed by Lazarus Software.

Moderators are people that supposedly handle "forum" things. They are, for the most part spited by the majority of the population due to the fact that they continually kiss Lazarus's ass and are often referred to as Laz'y Boy's bitches, being unable to stand anything that goes against their law.

The Administrators constantly claim that they are doing the best they can, while 'Gold', the final version of the game, which was expected to be released in Summer 2005, is not set to be released on any specific date as of yet, Making it the second longest construction period for any human built project after the Great Wall of China.

Gameplay

(You were probably wondering when it would get to here, werent you)

So you start playing with your 50k on hand and 25 citizens. So your asking yourself "What the heck do I do now?"

WAIT!!! I'll get to that so shut the heck up!

“What the [[[heck]] do I do now?”

~ You on Dark Throne

Typical user reaction

You train your citizens into soldiers, who inadvertently go in and steal other peoples gold. Usually no one dies from attacks in low levels. Anyway, you train some miners, which give you some gold, which you use to buy some weapons and get your soldiers in a good mood so they fight better. You can also train defense in order to stop people from attacking you and stealing your gold.

There are 4 main stats you can raise. They are offense, defense, spy offense, and spy defense.

• Offense is used to penetrate you opponents. If the "battle" is close and you win, you get more "experience". In the rare case that you opponent becomes pregnant, than we suggest cutting off all contact.
• Defense is useless. It stops penetration. There is only one situation when defense is good. If one of your friends needs good "experience", train some defense and let them attack you.
• Spy offense is used to do spy missions. There are three types on spy missions; spying, infiltration, and assassination. Spying is used to check out your targets. Infiltration is used to penetrate your opponents and kill some of their life. However, this is ineffective as most players on Dark Throne have no life anyway. Assassination is used to penetrate someone without them knowing who you are.
• Spy defense is used to block spyware. However, it is useless as spyware doesn't come from Dark Throne.

“OMG. I got a virus. I'm going to sue.”

~ n00b on viruses and Dark Throne

“Silly n00b, get a firewall. Dark Throne doesn't give you viruses.”

~ admin on n00bs and their imaginations

“What's a virus?”

~ Complete retard that just got a Windows laptop on viruses

Test versions

There have been 3 test versions so far, which we will review here.

1. " The real life version": In this stage Lazarus was playing Darkthrone with his dolls. Lazarus had to cheat in order to win this version of the game.

2. At the age of 12 Lazarus went on to make his first computerised version. He now used computers as dolls. He still had to cheat.

3. Alpha: The original version, little is known about this time, accept that people didn't whine nearly as much. Lazarus did still cheat, but just a little.

4. Beta: This is the current version, it is just like alpha, accept with some added features that Laz put in last minute when he forgot to do it until the morning it was due for school

5. Omega: Also referred to as the version that sucks total ass due to the fact it takes talent and strategy instead of just sitting back and relaxing while they accumulate gold and citizens and whatever other crap they need. Omega is planned to be replaced by 'Build 2' which is supposed to be released next month. Or in Laz time, next century.

6. Silver: Is the next version which changed to Gold after it met the consumer satisfactory grumble.

7. Gold: This is the final version of Dark Throne. Lazarus is pretty much hoping for a faerie to come and make it appear out of his ass.

For most Legends/Supporters/Rich players, the main reason of paying to play a free game is to get legal auto-recruiter. This legal auto-recruiter is set inside the server so paid members don't have kill their mice for 350 daily Beta clicks, 400 Omega clicks,and 375 Gold clicks. Keep in mind (if you have one) that nobody cares about your crippled fingers for the clicks, your mouse is worth more than your fingers.

“Been there, done that, it sucked.”

~ Oscar Wilde on paying money to get nothing

“They should give all paying members free beer.”

~ shimmy on customer satisfactory

Alliances

Apparently the goal of the alliance system is to see who can kill someone fast enough. Although this is easily done by throwing a heavy rock at their head, they prefer to take the long way out by sending people to kill their people in some complicated spying system.

Some alliances are known as elite, or '1337'. These alliances hobbies are acting like assholes and massing people at random.

Other alliances are 'country' alliances... really nothing interesting here

Still others have no requirements and are open to all... these alliances are n00bs and usually just get massed out of existence by 1337 alliances.

It is well known that in order to be successful as an alliance you must use "auto-recruiters" (or automated programs that invite for you, for those of you that are retards). Any alliance that does not use these are destined to fail. Of course auto-recruiters are against the rules, but of course the chances of the admins doing something to prevent cheating is less likely then finding a pair of socks made in the United States Some examples of successful alliances that have used auto-recruiters are: RPG, The_Black_Affair (originally known as Blackeyedbees), Warmania (its the alliance that changes its name on a daily basis, so don't expect to find it), The_Divine_Elders, and of course, Default.

Strangely enough, all these alliances except The Divine Elders have declared war on A Mega Force, possibly because it somehow became successful without using an auto-recruiter. They fought A Mega Force by force-leveling and Kamikazing them. Which, to those of you that dont know, is the Real Life equivalent of bitchslapping the president of the United States.

So overall, alliances suck, don't get involved in them.

Ads

Possibly the most interesting part of the game, the Dark Throne ads are highly controversial and highly pornographic. Most use them as eye candy, while others (most of them gay) complain about it saying that 'children play the game'. Whilst the youngest person allowed to play the game is 13, and has already been exposed to playboy, this excuse as to why the ads are not appropriate is still widely used.

Laz says that he is trying to get rid of them, but everyone knows that he is just a pervert that loves da pr0n. He just wants to recommend the site to all his friends (even though they most likely do not exist).

Anyway, they are very Hot and make the game what it is... other than the game itself. But its soooooo hot, you probably want to play just for them.

Don't forget about free Spy Mission, you can get load of spywares from ads. To know if you're lucky to get it, keep your eye on pop up windows while you play Dark Throne. Those pop up windows are the most visible indication of your luck. Winners are rewarded with a melted C drive and a $600 bill from Best Buy.

Controversy

In past millennia Darkthrone was often the subject of controversy and scandal. A few of which are quite well known, but often misinterpreted. Here's a small summary.

It is known that the first person on earth was __RavErz__ once lived in a place called parice, He was banned from that place because he stole the sourcecode from the server of knowledge. Several hundreds years later this story was written down by a half-deaf writer who, accidentally changed some of the original facts, and created the currently known bible. Today, the only true version of this story is being told by Kinjion.

Darkthrone caused another big scandal when a player named Nixon tried to spy on and infiltrate members of the so called democratic alliance. When the alliance found out about this they forced Nixon to reset his acount.

In addition Darkthrone is held responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs, the biblical flood, the crusifiction of Jesus, the burning of Rome, the Bubonic plague, the solar-centric model of the universe, the stock market crash, the invention of the nuclear bomb, Michael Jackson's nose and more currently; the deterioration of american schools. Most of these things is blamed on __RavErz__ as evident by Kinjion's avatar and sig.

“OMG what have I done!!!”

~ Lazarus on what he has done

Dark Throne Facts

1. Lazarus is well known to be a coffee addict. That's why you can see hidden references to coffee all around the game. For instance you can clearly see coffee stains on the Dark Throne logo of the members page. And the charity medals have the shape of stars, in reference to Starbucks.

2. The original source code of the game was written on 5 papyrus scrolls that have been hidden in separate places all around the planet. It is said that whoever obtains the five scrolls will have the power to commend all one celled sea creatures of the species Emiliania huxleyi.

3. If you spell Dark Throne backwards you get Enorhtkrad. When pronounced right, it's a spell to raise demons from hell. But if you pronounce it wrong you get turned into a Emiliania huxleyi. So you better not try it.

4. If you ever question either Lazarus' opinion, capacity, intelligence, manliness, strength, courage or the information on this page you will surely die.

5. Lazarus invented DT all by himself. It was tough, but in the end, he was able to get it done, although he had to cheat to finish it, which is why it's bug ridden.

External links

Dark Throne (Beta) website

Dark Throne Gold/final version