Classical studies

“I'm not into necrophilia. Give me modern buggery porn over dusty old Roman porn any day.”

– Oscar Wilde on classical studies

“I'll bugger you and rape your face for saying my little verses aren't modest.”

– Gaius Valerius Catullus, the hero of every classicist

“My name is Achilles. You killed my lover. Prepare to die.”

– The Iliad

“My opponent takes it up the ass. They don't just give it like a normal person.”

– Every Roman senator

Classical studies or classics is the science of chewing over the same 500 texts to conserve ancient knowledge of buggery, learn about how human beings buggered each other in the past, and understand how buggery has changed over time. Traditionally the study of classical (Greek and Roman) buggery has been the chief aim of the humanities, such that those who practice it are often called Homo sexuals.

The word "classical" is derived from the Latin classicus, meaning "belonging to the highest class of society," i.e. tops. Classical studies experts are typically buggerers, Catholics, buggering Catholics, and poets (no need to talk about their relationship to buggery).

Thanks to classical studies we understand that buggery is nothing new under the sun, but actually used to be way more common in the past. But unlike today, buggery used to typically be violent and without consent, much like heterosexuality was back then as well. Ancient buggerers buggered slaves, while today's buggerers bugger "slaves." In this way we learn through classical studies how much buggery has progressed over the years.

History of classical studies

Classical studies were born when the average person stopped being able to read stuff written in their own language, and concluded it must have changed somehow. Upon deciphering it, they realized that people used to get up to a lot more buggery than they did in their own time, and that this was a shame. Before that, there was the vague notion that people used to have more fun in the days of Homeric Greek, back when Dionysus still used to show up at parties, but no one had thought to make a discipline of it, because they still enjoyed plenty of fine buggery and wine in their day.

It was only with the advent of Christianity that there came to be such a fine distinction between the good old days of buggering beautiful young men and the boring modern times of memorizing catechisms and hitting yourself on the head with a stone tablet before going home to your good Christian wife who wasn't allowed to enjoy sex, because it was sinful. This allowed classical studies to emerge as a discipline, and universities to pop up to teach young men about the ancient joy of buggery. Indeed, classical studies have always been viewed as the first and purest academic pursuit, with almost everything else being aimed at professional development instead of buggery.

Languages

Classical studies are generally held to encompass any dead language in which a large amount of sophisticated, high-quality buggery erotica has been written, chiefly Latin and Greek. Some also include Hebrew owing to its portrayal of the story of David and Jonathan, but most reject this, as it isn't explicit enough. Plus there's that whole "thou shalt not bugger" commandment that really turns off classicists, who literally developed their discipline to prove that buggery was fine. So bugger Hebrew (incidentally, that's my Grindr username).

Sanskrit, Old Chinese, and many other languages have also relatively recently been put forth as classical languages for their own contributions to the study of ancient buggery. These claims are still in doubt in many corners of the West, where nobody can read Brahmic or Chinese writing. It's probably true, but abugidas are hard, let alone logographic systems, and there's a lot of buggery to be done. Most just take their word for it.

Subdisciplines

Subdisciplines of classical studies include:

• Classical philology: The study of ancient buggery erotica.
• Classical archeology: The study of ancient dildos.
• Classical art history: The study of ancient pornographic images of buggery.
• Classical history: The study of ancient societies of buggerers and the people (and peoples) they buggered.
• Classical philosophy: This answers questions like, why do we bugger? Who should we bugger? When is it OK to bugger?
• Reception studies: These focus on the underlooked, subaltern class of classical bottoms.