Classical studies

“I'm not into necrophilia. Give me modern buggery porn over dusty old Roman porn any day.”

– Oscar Wilde on classical studies

Classical studies or classics is the science of chewing over the same 500 texts to conserve ancient knowledge of buggery, learn about how human beings buggered each other in the past, and understand how buggery has changed over time. Traditionally the study of classical (Greek and Roman) buggery has been the chief aim of the humanities, such that those who practice it are often called Homo sexuals.

The word "classical" is derived from the Latin classicus, meaning "belonging to the highest class of society," i.e. tops. Classical studies experts are typically buggerers, Catholics, buggering Catholics, and poets (no need to talk about their relationship to buggery).

Thanks to classical studies we understand that buggery is nothing new under the sun, but actually used to be way more common in the past. But unlike today, buggery used to typically be violent and without consent, much like heterosexuality was back then as well. Ancient buggerers buggered slaves, while today's buggerers bugger "slaves." In this way we learn through classical studies how much buggery has progressed over the years.

History of classical studies

Classical studies were born when the average person stopped being able to read stuff written in their own language, and concluded it must have changed somehow. Upon deciphering it, they realized that people used to get up to a lot more buggery than they did in their own time, and that this was a shame. Before that, there was the vague notion that people used to have more fun in the days of Old Latin and Homeric Greek, but no one had thought to make a discipline of it, because they still enjoyed plenty of buggery in their day.

It was only with the advent of Christianity that there came to be such a fine distinction between the good old days of buggering beautiful young men and the boring modern time of memorizing catechisms and hitting yourself on the head with a stone tablet before going home to your good Christian wife who wasn't allowed to enjoy sex, because it was sinful. This allowed classical studies to emerge as a discipline, and universities to pop up to teach young men about the ancient joy of buggery. Indeed, classical studies have always been viewed as the first and purest academic pursuit, with almost everything else being aimed at professional development instead of buggery.