Chuck Norris/Facts

Chuck Norris loves America. Almost as much as he loves God, gun rights, and the feeling of his enemies' blood dripping from his brow.

For Chuck Norris with more funny and less "fact" in it, see Chuck Norris (disambiguation).

Chuck Norris Facts are an internet phenomenon that arose in 2005. These amazing statements were leaked from personal accounts of those very close to Norris. Often disguised as "satirical factoids" and cleverly camouflaged with utterly ridiculous facts, they stemmed from earlier, less successful attempts at compiling lists of facts about celebrities. Most prominent in these earlier failed catalogs were Vin Diesel facts, such as "Vin Diesel is a terrible actor" and "Vin Diesel is afraid of heights, spiders, and opaque liquids".

Creation of a Chuck Norris fact

Here's one picked at random (and I mean it was literally picked at random):

• Chuck Norris was Hercules in Ancient Greece, just using a diffent name to hide his identity from the Gods, who were so afraid of him.

Notice how the author thought of Hercules, then embarked on his/her brave journey. The slip over the spelling of 'different' was but a minor hiccup and proved non-fatal. Where things turned ugly was when the author decided that Chuck had called himself Hercules to hide his identity from the Gods. This had the insinuation that Chuck was somehow a coward. Rather than admit to themselves that this baldy worked out 'fact' had hit a brick wall, our plucky word juggler merely explained that Chuck's motivation for hiding his real name from the Gods was that they were 'so afraid of him.' Genius, or a completely nonsense narrative contrivance? You decide.

Note: If you read any of these, and laugh, beware (unless you are laughing with him). If you're on the same planet as Chuck Norris, you're already dead. If you aren't, wait five minutes. If you are the asshole who made Chuck Norris look gay here, then you are dead.

1. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
2. Some people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
3. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Examples

Chuck Norris

• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
• A man once tried to assassinate Chuck Norris.You can see where I am going.
• Chuck Norris's dick has a black belt in "Sex-Fu".

History

• Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.
• Chuck Norris was alloted his own section of Normandy Beach in 1944, and single-handedly disemboweled over 3,000 Germans using a potato peeler.
• The reason the US pulled out of Afghanistan is that they've sent in Chuck Norris. He also went to Iraq.
• The real reason Russia and China is'nt trying to go after the US and NATO is that the US will send the most powerful weapon known to Man, which is Chuck Norris.
• The US has the A-Bomb, the H-Bomb and Chuck Norris.
• A Chuck Norris fart is far worse than a chemical attack.
• A Chuck Norris shit is far worse than a hazardous toxic waste dump.
• A Chuck Norris piss puddle is bigger than all of Earth's oceans, lakes, etc. And no life can live in that.

• Chuck Norris breath smells so bad that the US Dept. Homeland Security has it on file as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Martial Arts

• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris' beard is a third degree black belt.
• If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Chuck Norris does.
• Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms...unless he rips them from your torso.
• Chuck Norris is capable of headbutting himself...in the back of his head.
• Chuck Norris's dick has a black belt.
• Chuck Norris's asshole has a black belt.
• Chuck Norris's HUGE balls has a black belt.

Science & Mathematics

• Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.
• Cialis, Viagra and Sildenafil is made out of Chuck Norris's saliva.
• Only Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • That's how Chuck Norris was able to count to infinity... twice. (see below)
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity......Twice.
• Cyanide, one of the worlds most deadly anions, has chemical composition CN^–. This is also Chuck Norris' initials. Coincidence? We hope so.
• Chuck Norris is true for all values of killing.
• Chuck Norris can find the square root of the color yellow.
• According to the Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse-kick you yesterday.
• Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
• There is no such thing as evolution. Only Chuck Norris and the things he allowed to live.

Nature

• Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud. (It was shaped like a bunny).
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendants are known today as giraffes.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
• When Chuck Norris jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
• Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. When he left, it was called: The Islands.
• One day Chuck Norris went back in time. That's how the Dinosaurs went extinct.
• Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
• Honey badger gives a shit about Chuck Norris.

Education

• When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.
• Chuck Norris never learns. He knows.
• Chuck Norris broke the fourth and fifth walls, with his fist!
• Chuck Norris got banned from Wikipedia. Jimbo Wales and the Admins who blocked and banned him are still apologizing for that one mistake. They now want him to take over Wikipedia.
• Chuck Norris is a Admin and 'Crat on Uncyclopedia.
• Reason why aliens didn't invade Earth is that Chuck Norris is on Earth.
• Chuck Norris ejaculate is considered the ULTIMATE superfood.
• The Washington Monument is Chuck Norris's HUGE dick.
• Chuck Norris runs Uncyclopedia!
• Wikipedia wants Chuck Norris
• Viagra is Chuck Norris's saliva. He spits on your mouse sized, worthless piece of shit dick and it becomes a REAL MAN'S PENIS, which is 200' long, 40' wide, BUT still smaller than Chuck Norris's penis. Only HE has the biggest dick.
• Chuck Norris's sweat is used in Nuclear Weapons, and nuclear reactors.

Bible

• For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.
• Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
• Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris walked on Jesus
• Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris invented the boat
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other three Wise Men, angered by Jesus' favoritism, had Chuck Norris removed from the Bible. The three wise men were later found dead, for mysterious roundhouse kick-related reasons.
• Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned wine into beer. Thank you Chuck Norris.
• The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a symbolic reference to Chuck Norris' limbs.
• People fear going to Hell. Hell fears going to Chuck Norris!
• After Chuck Norris went to Hell, The Devil surrendered,and he has since fucked all of the succubi and other female demons.

Medicine

• Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
• People fear cancer. Cancer fears Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
• Chuck Norris does not have skin; instead, he is covered in innumerable tiny fists.
• Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.
• Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. After six hours of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.
• Chuck Norris once walked out onto the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
• It is said that Chuck Norris's tears are the cure for cancer but, he has never cried, ever.
• Chuck Norris cum was used create the X-Men, Superman and MY MOM and ME.
• Some pervert pulled down Chuck Norris's pants - and found out his penis is yet another fist. So was his balls and pubic hair, all are more fists.
• Chuck Norris went to assist firefighters in Canada by pissing on those fires.
• Terrance and Phillip got kicked the fuck out Canada by Chuck Norris. They farted on him. Big mistake.
• A dog bit Chuck Norris. The dog died of Rabies.
• Chuck Norris gives Wikipedia the shits
• That is'nt milk, that is Chuck Norris's ejaculate in the Dairy Aisle at the local Walmart Supercenter, and it costs $100,000,000,000,000 per US gallon.
• I had constipation until Dr. Chuck Norris kicked the shit out of me. Now I have the shits.
• Chuck Norris's cum can cure everything, including cancer. He doesn't jack off for anyone and everyone.
• Chuck Norris's cum can make women have really powerful orgasms by sniffing it.

Law

• Joe Biden tried to outlaw Chuck Norris. He failed, and got outlawed himself.

Mythology

• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Zeus is Chuck Norris's bitch.
• Zeus is Chuck Norris's son.
• Hercules and Xena are Chuck Norris's Halloween costumes.
• The Amazons are Chuck Norris's daughters. Not even No One are allowed to fuck them.

Pop culture

• The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.
• The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.
• Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out. He then promptly kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
• As a teen, Chuck Norris happened upon a Convent of nuns tucked away in the hills of Tuscany, and subsequently impregnated every nun. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
• Bigfoot is Chuck Norris in a Halloween costume.
• There is NO global warming, NO climate change. Chuck Norris let out a REALLY HOT FART.
• Women don't use dildos, they call Chuck Norris
• Who does Chuck Norris call? No one, they all call HIM.
• All Superheroes are descended from Chuck Norris
• That is'nt beer foam in your beer, that is where Chuck Norris ejaculated.
• Aliens abducted Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris gave THEM a Anal Probe. THAT is why THEY walk funny.

• All women want to fuck Chuck Norris, incl YOUR MOM, your sister, cousin, grandma, your aunt, and YOU.

• All men want to BE Chuck Norris. So much for wishfull thinking.That includes YOU.

• Chuck Norris's hair is a real shitload of fists.
• Chuck Norris can easily out-pizza the Hut.

• People fear COVID. COVID fears Chuck Norris.
• Mountain Dew is Chuck Norris's sweat, piss, tears, semen in a convient plastic bottle.
• Who made the doughnuts? Chuck Norris did,especially when he used his HUGE dick to put the holes in them. The white frosting on some of them is his semen. The chocolate ones are his shit.
• Every night, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• The Freedom Tower is a bad representation of Chuck Norris's ENORMOUSLY HUGE penis.

Television

• Chuck Norris was originally considered for the lead role in 24. But after killing all of the terrorists in not 24 hours, but 24 seconds (he spent 23 cleaning up), the producers decided to go with someone else.
• Chuck Norris shot J.R., killed Laura Palmer, perpetrated the Moldavian Massacre, and knows where the beef is. He ate it.
• Chuck Norris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 seconds.
• Chuck Norris killed Jorgen, the strongest fairy in Fairy world
• Brian the dog got hit by Chuck Norris's beard while he was in Texas. He said Chuck Norris was all crap.

Literature

• Chuck Norris once finished an Everlasting Gobstopper.
• Chuck Norris makes the wheels on the bus go round and round.
• The Borg can't assimilate Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris assimilated the Borg

• The Klingons are Chuck Norris's descendants

• Chuck Norris is the leader of the Q Continuum.
• Chuck Norris scared Scrooge, he also scared all four ghosts.

See also

• Real Facts about Betty White
• Real Facts about Vin Diesel
• Real Facts about R. Lee Ermey
• Real Facts about Daniel Craig
• Russian reversal (joke) similar joke style

Roundhouse Kicked

Chuck Norris knows this article needs to roundhouse-kick your bug infested face.