Caprica City
“Why does this place look a lot like Vancouver?”
“I am glad that I don't live there, anymore.”
“Who knew that creating and enslaving a race of sentient machines would end so badly?”
“Looks like someone nuked this place.”
“We nuked this place because we were upset over the fact that the Lions were 0-16 last year.”
Caprica City formally the Tribal Capital of the Planet Caprica or That Place, is the capital city for a planet/tribe/country called Caprica, which is located somewhere in space. This planet is also close to 11 other planets, and later all of the 12 worlds banned together to formed "the 12 Colonies of Kobol" or better know as "The 12 World" (it's a less technology advance and more human version of the Federation of Planets)." Caprica City was also the capital city of the 12 Colonies of Kobol. Caprica City is also the hometown of William Adama and the birth place of our glorious overlords, the Cylons.
History[edit | edit source]
Little is known about the history of Caprica City. Most historians agree that about 152,000+ years ago a bunch of whiny people, from outer space, landed on a planet named "Caprica" and founded a city. These people had no imagination and decided to call their city "Caprica City." Some time later (possibly thousands of years later) the people of Caprica City created a race of sentient machines, called Cylons (or simply toasters) and were enslaved by the people. Some historians like to speculate on what happen between the time of Caprica City's foundation to the creation of the first Cylons. Although, historians do know several events that took place during this time period, below is a list of the most popular events.
- A lot of people whined about their feelings.
- Someone pranked a nearby planet, called Kobol, by ordering 20 pizzas to that place.
- The legendary Caprican character actor Frak was born.
- A bunch of people sat around and played Dungeons & Dragons until the Cylons nuked the place.
- A lot of people got drunk, puked, and got even drunker.
- Someone Ding Dong Ditched a nearby planet called Kobol.
- Meet the Capricans was filmed
Fall of Caprica City[edit | edit source]
Eventually, the Cylons rebelled and left Caprica and Caprica City, leaving a trail of death and destruction behind them. 40 years later, the Cylons came back and Caprica City residents found out that the Cylons were now program to be die-hard Lions and Pirates fans. The Cylons' die-hard love for the Lions and Pirate made them to nuke the 12 Worlds obliterating everything in their path.
After the nuking, a few Caprican City residents were able to survived the attack by shear luck. It all happen when a few Caprican City residents were on a run to the only operational White Castle in the Colonies, which was located on the Battlestar Galactica, but unfortunately the White Castle did not survived the attack (damn you Cylons). This allowed the few Capricans to be on a spaceship at the time of the nuking and thus survived. A few minutes after realizing that their home was vaporized, the survivors decided to find the last standing White Castle, in the universe, which is said to be located on the mythical planet Earth. So, the Battlestar Galactica and a bunch of other ships sent out looking for this fabled White Castle.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
After spending four long years floating around in space, the surviving residents relocated to a planet they named "New Earth." New Earth was much like their old planet and that was why they decided to ditch all of their technology, mate with a bunch of mute cavemen and Cylons (the same frakkers who killed their family members), get sepsis from a simple cut, and died in a shallow mud hole.
But, there were a few survivors who refused to give up their technology and instead went back to Caprica. Once back on Caprica, the small group started to mutate into horrible monsters and were also able to regain their technology.
Caprica City Cultural[edit | edit source]
Most of what is known about Caprica City culture comes from the SyFy Channel's reality TV show Meet the Capricans. According to the reality TV show, Caprican cultural is strikingly similar to the United States of America. Which means only one thing, their are a lot of fat people living in Caprica City. Although, there are differences between the two. Most notably is that fact that Capricans are far less interesting to watch then Americans, which is why Meet the Capricans was canceled.
The second, is that the Capricans' religion is base on fake Ancient Greco/Roman religion and believe that no single human being could worship something else. This is an interesting fact, considering that their are handfuls, if not thousands of humans living in the City and hundreds of thousands on the planet. Apparently, these people are so unimaginative that they can't envision other humans, from other places, being different and/or having a different opinion on a topic (which is kind of similar to how the British and some Americans view foreigners).
The third, is that many Capricans enjoy a "sport" call Pyramid. The exact details of this sport is not fully understand, but many historians speculate that it involves a "team" to form a pyramid and must to reach the opponents side, while staying in a pyramid formation. Although, there is a small minority of historians (mostly from Harvard) who believe that Pyramid is played by throwing a small ball into a smaller hole.
Another interesting fact is that everybody in Caprica City are so deprive of any morals they are willing to create a sentient lifeforms and then enslave it for their own sick purposes. It was rumored that during the short time the Cylons were enslaved, the citizens of Caprica City were know to dress them up in lederhosens and made them dance in the street to polka music. Legend has it that when a Cylon hears polka music, you can see a little tear run down their cold steel checks.
Meet the Capricans[edit | edit source]
Meet the Capricans was a short live reality TV show that was aired on the SyFy Channel on both Friday and Tuesday nights. Originally, Meet the Capricans was suppose to be called just "Caprica" bust was change when Dallas got angry and told SyFy "quite being such a copy cat." So, SyFy deiced on the name "Meet the Capricans" because they were hoping that this name would better attract the elusive Couch-Potato.
You may be wondering as to how the SyFy Channel was able to have a live reality TV show that took place 152,000+ years in the past and on a distant planet. Well, the answers is that, SyFy was able to build a time machine that sent a group made out of the filming crew, five lawyers, three TV executives, and (this group was nicknamed the "Team") back in time. Once there, the "Team" set out to do casting calls and struck gold. They were able to cast, thousands if not millions, of the most desperate, narcissistic Capricans they could find.
Cast of Meet the Capricans[edit | edit source]
The main "cast" is made up of the following...
- Frak: One of the most famous character actors in all of the 12 Worlds. He also starred, as the lead role, in the hit TV show BSG. Like in BSG, Frak is never seen but is mentioned by the others on Meet the Capricans.
- Daniel Graystone: A typical, run-of-the-mill Caprican trillionare. Daniel is also the founder and CEO of Graystone Inc. and the inventor of the Cylons. Like many Capricans, Daniel enjoys whining about his feelings, and long trance like walks where he mopes about how hard it is to be him.
- Amanda Graystone: The wife of Daniel and the most sane character on the show. She also spent a brief time shacking up with Clarice, in Clarice's isolated cabin deep in the Caprican Forest of Old, and is now a very "close" friend of hers.
- Zoe Graystone: The only daughter of Daniel and Amanda. She was one out-of-two characters who died in the first episode but the "Team" was able to find a level 15, half-elf, half-human necromancer and summon Zoe's ghost to appear (this was done so she can fulfill her contract) and became Ghost Zoe. Ghost Zoe became one of the main focal points on Meet the Capricans and was seen frequently haunting her home, her dad's lab, the Caprican Forest of Old, the Caprican Sea, Clarice's house, the Adama's house, and Graystone Inc.
- Joe "Adams" Adama: Joe and his brother Sam, were actually born on another planet called Tauron (a.k.a the mob planet), and has immigrated to Caprica City. Joe had adopted his new home tradition, of whining and moping, and was elected the "King of all Whiners" by the Caprican people. He earns a living as the mob's personal lawyer (the mob's name is Ha'la'tha and is pronounced like you are being choked to death), while he lies to his young son (at the time of the filming William was 68 years-old) that he is a "civil liberties" lawyer. Joe and Sam also go by the surname "Adams" but it was never shown if the rest of the family uses this name.
- Sam "Adams" Adama: Brother to Joe Adama. Sam takes pride that he "helps" out with the "family business". He finds great solutions to many family "problems" by intimidating store owners to pay protection fees, staring "family" rivalries, and killing "business" rivals. In addition, Sam loves tattoos and has a lot of them all over his body. In addition, when ever he is "taking care of business" his shirt magically disappears (must be that darn necromancer missing with us again).
- Tamara "Adams" Adama: Only daughter of Joe and she was one out-of-two characters who died in the first episode but the "Team" was able to find a level 15, half-elf, half-human necromancer and summon Tamara's ghost to appear (this was done so she can fulfill her contract)and became Ghost Tamara. Like Ghost Zoe, Ghost Tamara frequently haunted Zoe's home, her home, Zoe's dad's lab, Graystone Inc., the Caprican Sea, and the Caprican Forest of Old.
- Clarice Willow: She is very "close" (so close Amanda and her were shacked up in a cabin in the woods) and also BFFs with the STO. In her spare time Clarice leads the STO and kills lots of people (hey, everybody needs a hobby).
- Lacy Rand: BFF and bitch to Ghost Zoe.
- Jordan Durham: Another "close" friend of Clarice and Amanda.
- STO: BFFs with Clarice and oh, yeah they are also a bunch of religious terrorists who coincidently worship one God (talk about being uncomfortable).
Geography[edit | edit source]
Caprica City is strategically located near Mordor and thrives off of all related Mordor tourists (that was why Frodo and Samwise took so damn long to reach Mordor in the Rings Trilogy. They stoped at Caprica City and spent all of their damn money on a bunch of stupid plastic Cylon dolls).
The Caprican Sea[edit | edit source]
The Caprican Sea (yet another unimaginative name) lies near the city and is polluted with thousands of plastic Cylon dolls that were thrown by careless Mordor tourists who realized that this place is not Mordor.
The Caprican Forest of Old[edit | edit source]
Most residents know not to travel to the Caprican Forest due to its' reputation that the place littered with "cabins" where hippies and yippees go to "escape" the city life of Caprica City.
Also the forest is know for is scenic beauty and many residents are proud of this fact. They are so proud that they would put pictures of these woods onto postcards and send them to nearby planets.
The Climate of Caprica City[edit | edit source]
appears to be strikingly similar to Vancouver, but with one exception, it never snows there. Instead of snowing it rains 365 days out of 365 days a year. This fact officially, makes Caprica City the most rainiest and depress place in the universe. Only the city that comes close, as to having worse weather than Caprica City, is Detroit.
Flora and Fauna[edit | edit source]
On the planet of Caprica their are no birds, due to the fact that generations ago Capricans wipe out all of their avian (bird) species. Their are some animals that do live on Caprica, like rats, cats, hippies, yippes, and dogs. Other than that all other animal life died out generations ago (guess why). Most of the trees are either evergreens or dead trees.
Facts[edit | edit source]
- Before the fall, Caprica City was the capital city of the planet Caprica.
- One planet is one country and each planet is also called a "tribe."
- Presently, Caprica City lies in a radioactive wasteland.
- After, the people of Battlestar & Co. found "New" Earth, some survivors decided that they will not give up their technology. Instead, they went back to Caprica and live there since. Over time these people mutated into hideous monsters and were able to rebuild their society (of course without the Cylons) and were able to advance their technology 10 fold.
- The radioactive mutants renamed themselves The Others (because they were all die-hard Lost fans).
- The Capricans who remained on "New" Earth bred with the native cavemen, and Cylons are our ancestors.
- All surviving residents of Caprica City hate the song "You Drop A Bomb On Me" by the Gap Band (I guess it brings up bad memories).
- Think about, every human that is alive today is descended from robots and aliens who mated with muted cavemen.
- Sam "Adams" Adama founded The Samuel Adams Brewery Co. .
Famous Residents[edit | edit source]
- William Adama
- Caprica Six
- The whole cast of Meet the Capricans.
- The Cylons
- Frak
Famous Places[edit | edit source]
- Caprica City boast a number of places, that they considered to be "historical."
1. The Former Graystone's Estate (several years before the fall a Dr. Baltar bought the house).
2. Pantheon Bridge, where Amanda "accidentally" fell off from.
3. A place called Apollo Park. Something happen here, but I can't remember.
4. Atlas Arena- former stomping grounds of the Graystones and a former place where Ghosts Zoe and Tamara haunted and where historians believe that the "sport" of Pyramid was played.
5. The Riverwalk (basically, a boardwalk but near a river).
6. Graystone Industries Campus. The birth place of the Cylons.
7. Little Tauron. If you want a neighborhood, which is part Little China, part Hell's Kitchen, part Little Havana, part Ghetto, and part Polish Hill then this is the place. If you don't get it yet, this place is supposed to be the "ethnic" neighborhood of Caprica City. Also this the where Joe and Sam "Adams" Adama live.
Nearby Planets[edit | edit source]
- Kobol: this is the closet planet to Caprica and apparently everyone here, and on 11 other planets, lost the map to this place nor did anyone brothered to look for it. So, you can say that this planet was "lost" but was "rediscovered" by the Battlestar Galactica & Co. Oh yeah, um, everybody on Caprica, and 11 other planets, believe that the human species "evolved" there.
- Earth: Yeah, another "lost" planet because again someone misplaced a map.
- "New" Earth: ...wait, there are two Earths? Yes, there are two Earths, but this one has non-verbal (or as the people of Battlestar Galactica & Co. call it, "pre-verbal") "native" cavemen roaming around butt naked (oh, joy). This is also where the survivors of Battlestar Galactica & Co. ditched all of their technology (smart move, idiots) and went forth to mate with the "natives" (I am sure the children were beautiful). Also, this is supposed to be our Earth (you know, the one were are currently living on) and the people of Battlestar Galactica & Co., along with the Cylons who hitched a ride with them and the butt naked, pre-verbal (non-verbal) cavemen, are our very distance ancestors.
The 11 other Colonies of Kolbol[edit | edit source]
- Gemenon: The home planet of Monotheistic religious terrorists, ewoks, and God knows what else.
- Tauron: Also known as the "mob planet" and birth place of Joe and Sam "Adams" Adama of Meet the Capricans.
- Scorpia: Rumored to be the birth place of Amanda Graystone of Meet the Capricans.
- Sagittaron: The birth place of Clarice Willow of Meet the Capricans and also a bunch of polytheistic religious fundamentals.
- Aerilon: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Aquaria: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Canceron: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Virgon: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Picon: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Libran: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
- Leonis: No one cares about this place, so lets move on.
Further Reading[edit | edit source]
- Dr. Jackson's Erotic Guide to Caprica City by Dr. Daniel Jackson
- Caprica Sucks by Andrew Fullen
- Relax, This is All Made Up by Alistair Fake
- I Am Caprica (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert
See Also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- Caprica City at Battlestar Wiki
- Caprica City at Wikipedia
- Caprica City at SyFy.com
- You Drop A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band