Boktai

Boktai is a game created by KONAMI that set a landmark all through the ages as the first game to give players cancer. It was put on the same bookshelf as Mario Paint and other landmarking games that weren't that successful.

Why Is Boktai Interesting

Boktai is the first game to use an UV detector to check how much cancer people have. If you have enough cancer, you can do awesome things. If your cancer amount is too low, you can't do anything. So, remember, kids, always have cancer when playing.

The Main Story

Boktai's story is about Django, the hatless cowboy who goes around hunting evil bandits with his mighty gun and a male floating sunflower called Otenko who's probably gay. Being horseless, Django is forced to travel on a motorbike, because bikes are kickass and awesome. Fanon also states that Django is a boy ninja, which explains why he is so terrible at flipping out and killing people (everybody knows boy ninjas suck terribly at doing things with guns and not swords).

Django goes around getting bounty for evil bandits who have captured his love interest, Lita, a virgin with the job of screwing a tree to paint its leaves pink. On the way, he meets a weird-looking boy named Sabata who is actually the real main character, but since he's an hemophiliac people tend to ignore him in fear of having him bleed on them. They fight a few times and Django, unfortunately, never hits him. There's also Carmilla, a slutty girl that sounds like Lita and who can turn into a large snakewoman who controls killer, petrifying birds that hate clouds.

In the end, after killing Sabata's whipped bitch Carmilla in several senses and losing the gay sunflower, Django goes to a satellite in space (because it makes sense that the main villain would have the most hidden hideout) and kills the henchmen again. After playing Killer Hide-and-Seek with Sabata, Otenko is revived and the duo head to the top floor, where Django's hot aunt Hel is. Turns out she is the evil person who made Sabata an hemophiliac and killed Django's parents when he was a little tyke, just like all villains do.

Django was almost killed by a large pike when Sabata saved him and, after a corny dialogue about friendship and the whiniest mock ever, they killed her with a pink energy sphere and went on to collect items and avoid bombs.

Oh, and Otenko almost died for real, but Django saved him. The idiot.

Zoktai

Later, Django and Otenko return back home to San Miguel, because now that his aunt's dead he can receive his paycheck and his parents' will. However, as they arrive, they're attacked by a rock star who steals Django's gun and shoots him, something Otenko thought to be impossible. When they run off in pursuit, however, they're delayed by the appearance of a raincoat with pink hair. After realizing that Django is still terrible at being a ninja even though he got a sword in the way, she tosses him a magical glove that makes his sword shine. He finally gets to the village to realize there are only 9 people who lived there in the first place. Among some of them are Lita, who somehow got to San Miguel before him, a kid named Kid who has an afro bigger than himself, and Question-mark Man.

Apparently, while Django was busy serving as a target for all the immortals to go and kill because he was the last one of his kind, they actually remained in the city they had taken over unlike every other bad guys ever, meaning the events of the last game were mostly worthless, especially since Otenko didn't die. Thusly, Django was sent to kill them all again, under threat of losing his scalp to an Indian.

When Django finally meets the ninja cowboy who stole his gun, he and Sabata join forces in a perfectly original plot twist to try and stop him, except since Django was still a ninja failure all this resulted was in his getting bitten. Sabata then proceeded to become playable, except he's a lot crappier and burns under sunlight for no reason. Thus the whole segment was plain stupid and is the part everyone hates. Especially since Django was set on fire.

Now a vampire, Django now becomes a black person, and can turn into a mouse, a bat, and even a rabid dog! This of course means he is a furry, and as furries are hated by all normal people almost as much as vampires are, this means that the only friend he still had was Lita, since Otenko had died of emo overdose. This was so tragic that Django had no other choice but ignore the urges to be emo like his brother and killed all the new bosses, which happened to include a dating sim where he had to pick between Lita and a human Bellossom. Thankfully he spared us all the horror of imagining their mating. He then turned normal for no apparent reason.

As it turns out, Django's dad was possessed by Darko, a character from 8-Bit Theatre who wanted to awaken Viking mythology. Being a Christian, Django naturally had only hatred for other religions and thus he declared holy war on the heathens, killing his father to save his immortal soul. Darko went to Bad Guy Hell, but not without causing a giant earthworm to awaken, meaning that Django and Sabata had little time to spare to save the world. Thankfully, they had enough time to do so after all.

The earthworm tried to eat Django, but he used the power of cancer to kill it, and then ran off to try and get over his emo state by taking naked sunbaths.

And then JAPAN happened, but nobody knows what that really was because JAPAN. All that is known is that Django got himself a sweet-ass motorbike and unfortunately Otenko wanted to have sex with Django. This is why there was no Shinbokshintaishin.

Shin.

The Controls

A: Accept money;

B: Shoot and Shoot Moar;

L: Throw rocks at people;

R: X-Ray Visor;

Epsilon: Talk in Yiddish and Sleep;

Off: Kill yourself.

Villains

Box: Boxes who walk around and spew poison on people. Shoot them from the back. BACKSTABBERS!!111

Mommies: Your mom and her friends. They were driving and crashed. Now they wear bands around their bodies. Hate fire.

Goblets: Gray spheres that can be hit with mud. So do that.

Birdies: These birdies hate clouds because they're golfballs. They hit you in the head and turn you into stone. Press Off to revive.

Spidews: Mutant things from Erfworld and just as effective as Erfworld comics.

Count of Bedwetting Blood: Some hemophiliac guy who likes to bite things. His hobbies are biting people and kidnapping virgins. Went to villain school with Donkey Kong.

Scare-out-of-your-wits Wolf Garmr: A large blue wolf that's made out of snow. He likes to howl and blow. He's very weak to melting.

Male Iron Maiden Muspell: A big gray sphere that rolls around. Weak to ice for some reason. Bake him.

Screaming Killer Carmilla: The bitch from the previous paragraph. That's excused though since she's hot. Sabata probably bleeds on her daily.

SabataDjangoSabataDjangoSabataDjangoSABATA!!!: Bad guy. Hates brother. End.

Hel: She's hot. She's the hero's aunt. She obviously wants some hot lovin'. Therefore, she's a hick. Only hicks aren't smart, so she must be inbred with geniuses. Or Immortality just makes you smart.

Otenko: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAY DEAD, ALREADY?!?!

Ringo Starr: Django's gayvampire/vampire hunter/Beatles drummer dad. He used to fight against the forces of evil with the power of rock, but then he got killed and turned into an emo gay vampire. Always a headbanger.

Apache Cheyenne Sioux: A living totem. Looks completely unfitting. He wants your scalp.

Dark Darko of the Darkness: The emo guy with grey hair. He loves possessing people and cutting their wrists, but only finds more satisfaction in his yaoi collection. Weak to flashing.

Red DurathorPoison Ivy: The emo girl with red hair. Only one of the bosses who wants to sex Django. Smash her brains with a darkness hammer.

White DuneyrrMothra: A movie star looking for love and lunch. She can spit fairy dust that makes you fly. Set her on fire.

Blue DvalinnDavy Jones: The slutty squid who loves her bondage. Is a master of tentacle rape. Cut those things off.

JormugandrEarthworm Jim: A gynormous earthworm that is responsible for the end of the world and had a city built over it to protect it. Darko wants to release it. Just hit it repeatedly.

Otenko: NOBODY LOVES YOU, WHY DO YOU EXIST?!?!

Secrets

Press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A to get to the endgame. Seriously. Do it. Do it twenty times.

Also, if you don't like the sunflower, shoot it with your gun as much as you can.

The sex scenes

There aren't any, because nobody wants to see the sunflower. At all.

And yes, sunflowers are tentacle monsters.

See also

• Cowboy
• Ninja
• Vampire
• Emo
• Sun