Battle of the Bands

The Battle of the Bands is an ancient ritual that has been practiced by many for decades. This tradition is mostly carried out by the school boards of smaller towns so that the (mostly white) children of said town can express themselves and their ideas by playing music REALLY BADLY. These battles, despite their barbaric nature, are a very technical and complicated affair. By the time you have finished reading this article, you may be able to participate in a Battle of the Bands yourself! Oh, and if you aren't able to play an instrument or sing, I'd work on that as well...

What You Need

An instrument is, obviously, quite instrumental (See what I did there!? Ha!) when it comes to being in a Battle of the Bands. If you're willing to spend about 17 minutes learning to play the guitar, you will thern have the appropriate amount of skill required to be in one of these competitions. That, or you could play bass, but nobody REALLY wants to do that. If you're severly lacking in any real brain power, you could play drums. That just involves hitting the pretty circles ^[1], you dumb oaf. Have fun.

Oh, and don't forget about vocals. You needn't have any skill in singing at all, as such a thing isn't required for these competitions. Some of the things that ARE required, however, will be explained below.

Sabatoge is quite an important part of the Battle of the Bands. You will need to learn how to efficiently and effectively fuck up your rival band's instruments. Just bring along a pair of scissors, a hammer, and some glue, and get creative. I'm sure you're a pretty bright kid, eh? After all, you ARE in a band! That takes smarts.

You'll also have to be willing to bribe the judges of the competition. Getting on the good side of one of the judges is essntial, and there are a few ways to do so.

How To Cheat (What Everybody Does)

Money

Everyone loves money! Since competitions such as these are often held in white neighborhoods, you're probably quite expierienced at taking your parent's credit cards and wallets. Once you have a good amount of money, present it to the judge you wish to influence in a very subtle way.

Threats

While it is much more violent than the others, this is one of the most effective ways to win a Battle of the Bands. It is also twice as effective as it is a method that can be used on either the rival bands or one of the judges. Simply abduct somebody close to your target and demand their vote. While this may lead to your arrest, it is the most fun and most effective way to win.

Sabatoge

There isn't that much to explain. Just bring along some things from home, like scissors, glue, a hammer, and some matches, and get creative with your opponent's instruments. If you really want to spice things up, use te aforementioned items on your opponent's themselves! You can't lose a competition if you're the only one in it, right?

That Other Way

This one takes some balls to actually go through with. If you're willing, and you REALLY want to win the competition, you can always resort to, well to put it in a delecate way, letting your judge of choice get all up in 'yo pants. Think about it, do you want to win or not?

That Other Other Way

This is a sort of last resort, you know? Only use this method if you REALLY like fire, or you KNOW you can't win by normal means. Yet another method that may end with you in a jail cell, serving as the bitch of a big black guy named Teddy. Again, only use this method if you're REALLY serious about winning the Battle of the Bands.

Your Big Moment

Okay, this is it. You've trained for hours, awaiting this moment. You walk onto the stage with your instrument in hand, and if you followed my advice in the previous part of the article, you should do just fine. You're still not entirely sure if your instrument is a guitar or some sort of fucking electric cello, but it doesn't matter. Now, depending on what brand of cheating you and your fellow band members partook in, the outcome of this Battle of the Bands will be very different. If you didn't cheat, well, you fucking lost you fucking pansy. Just stop reading now. Below, you will find the different outcomes. Think of it like a "choose your own adventure" type of thing.

You bribed, you rich fuck!

The judge you selected to bribe is very happy with his newfound wealth, and they will probably blow it all on an expensive hooker. That probably won't be the case, I was just kidding, but that thought gets me going so fucking deal with it. Anyway, congrats on winning the Battle of the Bands, you fucking wealthy little cracker.

You said you'd cut them, sicko.

You threatened the judge with violence, and he should keep his mouth closed and vote for your band out of fear. Don't worry about him snitching, I wouldn't want to openly admit that I was scared and threatened with harm by a kid, either. Good job on winning, I'm sure you'll make a great criminal one day!

You fucked up their instruments...

Why are you sitting around reading this? Ditch the whole contest before they figure out who set the others band members on fire! Run!

WHORE!

Congratulations, you slept with one of the judges. You're still a little sweaty and sticky, sure, but you're a sure win for the contest and you may have discovered something new about yourself, depending on the sex of yourself and your judge of choice. Slut.

You a quite a dangerous person. Stay away from me!

Have fun in prison, you psycho. Hope winning a fucking Battle of the Bands was worth it, you sick fuck.

Conclusion

So, you are now quite knowledgeable on what a Battle of the Bands is, and how to cheat well in one. I've just taught you how to commit arson, adultery, sabotage, murder, and bribery all in one article! YOU'RE WELCOME.

Footnotes

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