Bakersfield (country)
“ When i hear the word "Bakersfield" the first thing i think of, is how EVERYONE IS GETTING DEAD AND RAPED! even more so than in hospitals. i wish y'all would get dead and raped just so YOU know how it feels and wipe Bakersfield off the map”
“Bakersfield is the world's worst home country, because when you grow up and leave, you will have cancer from second-hand smoke. AND I NEEDED CHEMOTHERAPY FOR A FUCKING MONTH!!! ”
“At least We Dont Live There”
Bakersfield Satan's Holy Land "Israel" | |||
|---|---|---|---|
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| Motto: xXW03 1Z M3Xx Woe is me. | |||
| Anthem: Last Resort (Cut My Life Into Pieces) | |||
| Capital | Koяnsfield | ||
| Largest city | also Koяnsfield | ||
| Demonym | Bakersfieldian | ||
| Official language(s) | Emospeak | ||
| Government | |||
| ‑ Grand Wizard | Jesse Fish | ||
| Declaration of Independence | 1985 | ||
Bakersfield is considered the foulest smelling country in the world. Home of over 300,000 local emos, Bakersfield proudly claims the lowest number of college graduates per capita of any country of its size on Earth. Bakersfield is particularly proud of its many MySpace whores. Perhaps the most well known as the setting of most Emo Poetry, Bakersfield is still a place most people don't really care about. It was also the historic birthplace of New York public relations overlordess, women's counseling enthusiast, Cat Lynn System, who prefers being supportive and kind rather than a suicidal attention whore.
In addition, Will Smith once wrote a rap about the beautiful land of Bakersfield: "Now this is the story all about how / My life got twisted turned upside down / Now I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there / I'll tell you how I got stuck in this crappy land called Bakersfield instead of Bel-Air."
Also, the suicide rate of Bakersfield has gone WAY over the OECD average since 2002, when Jesse Fish took over.
History[edit | edit source]
Although unknown to many inhabitants of the former Kern County, the Bakersfield Kakistocracy came into existence in the mid-1980s when, for the second (and final) time, Satan and his administration successfully rigged and won the governor election.
The God-Fearing Republicans took control of the Presidency and the Senate and Congress, and formed their own form of fascism modeled after Adolf Hitler and Zack Snyder. In 1982, Hooters girl turned Islamic-Facist prostitute Elvira, Mistress of the Dark helped revive the KKK to become N.A.U.G.H.T.Y (Now The E.A.C) to deal with it, and change the system to Nazism and protest the Holy Market and the The War Against Terror, yet Ronald Reagan had called on SSJ Jesus to stop that uprising. Being limp-wristed pacifists, the liberals lost that war in the emo controlled areas, and decided to move the sane people out of the nation in late 1985. Thus the demon spawned, emo.
Why Separate?[edit | edit source]
As you can see from the map above, many of the devil-voting counties agreed to combine with the former country of La La Land in October 1986 after taking several gravity hits and watching Mr. Wizard, ER, Star Trek: The Next Generation, TUGS reruns (oh yeah and TTTE, but don't tell anyone).
Yes, this was a long, involved process lasting at least 147 hours until October 31st. So why separate??? Why the hell not? I mean seriously, who wants to be a emo anyway? If I wasn't so lazy, I personally would love to rebuild my home at the same time every year because it (once again) was hit by either a tornado or a hurricane.
So at this point, all that was left to do was decide on a name for the remainder of the wasteland formerly known as Central California. Bakersfield seemed to fit almost perfectly and came up immediately.