B-52
| B-52 | |
|---|---|
| General characteristics | |
| Length | 48.5 m |
| Wingspan | 56.4 m |
| Bling Reflectivity | 32 % |
| Takeoff Weight | 220,000 kg |
| Purpose | |
| Use | Senseless killing |
| Type | SUP4H1337KI114H! |
| Mobility | |
| Speed | ∞ km/h |
| Range | 7,210 km |
The B-52 is an airplane designed to bomb ’Nam and Norwegian fjords. Nicknamed "Lovegusher Rainbow" after the tradition set by the "Peacemaker," many consider it to be the friendliest plane since the "soulmuncher." It has nuclear weapons capacity, and can fly for upward of π growth-cycles. The B-52 was invented in the mid 5th century by Mao Zedong and his teen wonders (Christie, Rod, and Todd), while trying to find a solution to their own knees. While the B-52 was not a perfect solution (it melted their knees), it was good enough for uses less precise than kneecaps, and was supposedly sent to the Bureau of Senseless Violence (BSV), where it was accepted with a welcome mat. The BSV added things like fuzzy dice and a bumper sticker proclaiming "If you can read this, Look out for the thermonuclear shock wave that will surely pwn your whole friggin' country." Now in the hands of the people who could use it best, the B-52 was about to see it's proverbial "glory years" it had heard about ever since it was a kitten.
From myth to reality TV[edit | edit source]
The first written proof of the B-52's existence was discovered in an ancient Mesopotamian ritual "love shack", the excavated stone walls of which were all bombed with graffiti dating back to the Stone Age thanks to equally-ancient Neanderthal vandals. Then again years later when the great prophet Negrodomus predicted the B-52 will one day "Blow up the fucking world". In later years, B-52 crafting-mats were found across West Dakota, evidence of places where economically exploited puppy-manufacturers once practiced the only craft they could. Today over 220.5 B-52 craft mats have been found in Peoria alone. A focus group located somewhere between the third and thirty-fifth floors of the Chrystler building in Paris, Canada attempted to recreate the ancient art of B-52 crafting in 1069 AD. The resultant creation was a small pile of elderberries which ended up in a jar of Mrs. Humsberg's famous jam. It was delicious. Today, accurate models of B-52s are made by agents of the BSV, using the well known pie tin technique of crafting. A few rogue groups have been known to attempt B-52 replica crafting using the original mat technique, but they have usually been hunted down and violently huffed by the BSV's hunt'n'huff department. Most market B-52 replicas are obtained by third party sellers, who obtain their B-52 replicas from the BSV. The BSV can make a B-52 replica for pennies, but they restrict the supply, diving the price of an average B-52 higher than you on windex nuggets.
Random, Useless, "facts".[edit | edit source]
- B-52s do not use the same "wing" technology as most aircraft today. In fact, they use the pure soul power of ten thousand orphans, whose neurological-psychic energy creates the illusion of wings.
- The standard bomb bay of a B-52 can be modified to drop a multitude of unconventional ordinance, such as the infamous jar-of-bees.
- A B-53 was in fact proposed, but it required a more advanced craft mat to create, and the BSV ended up brutally reorganising the engineering department in charge of craft-mattery. Today it would take 22 monkeys, a parrot named Captain Wobbles, and 12 zombies with ADD to attempt creation of the B-53.
- Two B-26s are not as good as one B-52, as one may be led into suspecting - to the contrary, they are actually better- much better. There are 26 reasons for this. Go figure ’em out.
- A B-52 probably watches through your window whilst thou art sound asleep.
- Also the proof of concept that, if you glued enough engines to it, even a brick could fly.
- The B-52H models are equiped with a samuri sword that deploys from the top which cuts enemy aircraft in half. This gigantic sword was a peace offering from Japan after the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
- All B-52s are fuled not by JP-8 but AIDS and expels pure cancer (Screw thiefs are known to baith in the secretions).
- Another known fact about the B-52 is that it is known to play "Love Shack" at ear drum shattering volumes upon take off.
Things to do with a B-52[edit | edit source]
- You can flavor something with B-52 (see below).
- One can store snakes on a B-52.
- B-52 is one of the most common answers in mega-bingo.
- Wings are often (mistakenly) associated with a B-52.
- You can put relevant pictures on a B-52.
- Roam (if you want to)
- You can learn fluent Greek
- You CANT fly it though.
Things not to do with a B-52[edit | edit source]
- Bob Saget
- Canned Yams
- B-52.5
- One should not use B-52 in cherry-farming-- It'll melt the cherries.
- Bombing Denmark or Finland. It's supposed to bomb Norway, idiot.
- Dr. Strange Love II.
B-52 as a flavor[edit | edit source]
B-52 is also known to be an artificial flavor of some kind, but nobody seems to know exactly what it tastes like. Most would rather have peach or cherry flavorings, and pass off B-52 as probably being related to aluminum, or cheap booze. In fact, B-52 is more closely related to high quality Spanish vodka, and involves more sodium than aluminum. Ricky Nickson, chief executive of Salad Knave inc., claims that B-52 is used in place of high quality crack in their infamous LawyerBurger, which explains its uncommon meaty taste. B-52 flavoring is well suited to dishes such as Skittle pie, and Chocolate meat nuggets. 4 out of 5 authorities however, don't care.