Awkward misdialing
“Hahaha, ooo, yes, nailed it!”
“It happens more often than You think.”
“Yo last night I robbed the store and I stole their money! Dude, it was awesome... Hugh? The police? Dammit!”
Hi, baby! I'm just calling you to say I had a great time having that wild sick lustful sex with you last night... Oh... I see... Wrong number.. Hi, mom.
OK, let me explain...[edit | edit source]
You see, I... I actually... well, wanted to make a prank with my friend's boyfriend so I decided to call him and say that pretending that I misdialed and... Which friend? Rachel... Livingstone. Her phone number? It is very similar to yours... That's why I misdialed! It is... um... 555-032. Well, I guess you can call that number from your cellphone to check things out, although I would appreciate if you would believe me, for a change! You called... and? That is the number of the sex offenders rehabilitation center? Hugh... I guess we really don't know our friends as well as we think, right? Oh right, you caught me...
OK, I know I'm only 20 and that I promised to you to wait till marriage, but did you REALLY believe me?! I don't want to be sexually frustrated and wait till marriage – if I ever get married – to get my cherry popped, like you! Oh, you DO KNOW what THAT means? Shit. Well, maybe I am doing all this to MAKE YOU CARE FOR ME?! OK, I am doing this because I am a horny bitch, but haven't you ever at least CONSIDERED that possibility?! Why?! Let's see... You never rewarded me for getting an A in History! Or for getting a B in Math! Or for sleeping with my teachers to get those grades! You didn't even talk to me when my grandfather died from a heart attack while jerking off to Bitty Schram! YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!!!
All right, calm down...[edit | edit source]
OK, MAYBE I was a LITTLE TOO HARSH... I really didn't want to make you cry... And want to kill yourself... And get half of your hair to fall off... Or make you to rip out the other half... Or to feel like a miserable excuse for a mother (OK, maybe a little...). At least not SO MUCH. You weren't THAT bad a mother. I never... ugh... killed anybody! Human... Younger than 18. Or raped anybody... No, forget that, I need to think this through. And... well... I didn't even lose my virginity till I was 13! Well, it could be worse... I guess. OK, enough of this. And now, calm down and take the knife away from your wrist. Come on, you can do that... Slowly, carefully... Here we go. Now calm down. Breathe. Breathing is good. OK. Now drink some water. WITHOUT RAT POISON IN IT! OK. I'm very sorry...
Wait, somebody is ringing a doorbell. Who is this? Don't you know people need to have their peace, you asshole! I didn't order fucking pizza, you son of a bitch! I don't care if you will get fired, you deserve it! You have a wife and five children? What the fuck does that mean to me? You could buy some condoms once in a while, you idiot, so you wouldn't be in this shit now! You want to kill yourself? Oh, great. Now you're crying. OK, I have no choice, you won. Wait for me here. OK, I'm back. Here You go, my kitchen knife. Go kill yourself and end your problems, just get the hell off of my porch! OK. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Listen, "mom". I love you, but you will just need to accept that I have a completely different view on life. No, don't cry again! What? I barely heard you! You are choking yourself with water?! Spit it out! You can't?! Then throw up! I don't know how! Push a toothbrush down your throat! Or imagine Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga having sex! Great! That always works. You still have trouble breathing?! Breathe in a paper grocery bag. That is right, slowly, relaxed... There's a mouse in it?! Don't scream! Don't panic! Why are you doing that anyway?!!! You're afraid of mice?! Since when?
Solution[edit | edit source]
I know you will calm down... Oh, wait, another call. Hello? Oh, that's you, my parole officer. You don't have to remind me, of course I will come on that conceuling, altough I see no reason why. That conviction is a joke! Ten year old boys are driving in cars with 20 year old girls all the time, and that 20 pounds of weed was for personal use only! OK, What? Another call? Hello? Oh... Yes, I didn't come to the rehabilitated drug addicts meeting because I was too hi... too sick to go. Yes, a flu. Kochp, kochp, apcihha, kochp. Of course I will come next time... If I remember where we are meeting and when... Bye. I'm back, mom! OK... To calm yourself down... let's see, run into the bathroom and start hitting your head against the wall. OK... Ten times is enough. You're bleeding and your brain is falling out?! Then call an ambulance and hang up on me! Of course I will come to dinner for Thanksgiving. Make sure to make the same salad you made last year. Now pull your brain back into your head and call that ambulance. Bye!