Jock

Common field jock
A common field jock, disguised in its chameleon skin to fit its environment
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Mammalia
Order	Primapes
Family	Homophobae
Genus	jockus
Species	Homo jockus

A Jock, a pre-evolution version of Homo sapiens, is defined by most scientists as Homo jockus (pronounced HO-mo JACK-ass) although some scientists argue whether they are actually more closely related to the common garden moss. Please note that a jock is entirely different from an athlete, and if you're unable to distinguish the two perhaps you should read the rest of this article. Some jocks, particularly large ones, are well informed. Due to the fact that they have an exaggerated sense of self-worth – and spend most of their waking hours having sex with themselves – many believe they are a close relation to the common douchebag.

Appearance

In general, jocks look similar to Homo sexuals, but there are myriad tiny details.

A jock demonstrating its chameleon skin in a basketball photo shoot

Natural

Jocks are instantly recognisable by their large torsos, muscle arms, and a face that looks like it suffered several blows from a nuke sledge hammer during infancy or pregnancy. However, in contrast to this pristine upper physique, their legs are often slightly smaller and disproportionate to the rest of their body. Their skin (in the same way as a chameleon) is coloured to reflect their surroundings, this always takes the form of sporting clothing. This sporting clothing often resembles the clothing the jocks denote their affiliation with, and by doing this, they form teams. The sports clothing is often decorated with random numbers, their team name (usually an animal or a conjugated verb), or the individual jock's surname. If a jock is taken to a place that has no sports relation, then they will change skin and die. Physically, they are considered (especially by themselves) the peak of human perfection; however, in many respects they lack mentally what many normal humans do not.

A typical jock

A jock:

• is taller than 1.8 metres (about six feet). Jocks were metricated long ago when they were measuring all aspects measurable, such as track length, weightlifting weights, body mass etc.
• has a 3–5-inch penis.
• has a body-to-muscle percentage > 99% and body-fat percentage < 1%.
• wears athletic clothes. Jocks tend to compare their clothing range with their mates. Each jock has his own favorite brand such as Adidas and Nike. They fill their wardrobes when they see advertisements for the latest "collection" and replace items when they are "worn out", typically every other week. They are seen in jock clothes in all occasions, including weddings, meetings and in bed. Jock clothes are often sponsored by a company not relevant to jockism or sport. These sponsors' names appear on their clothing items to disguise their identity.
• speaks a dialect derived from the region they live in. The vocabulary in the dialect is significantly altered rendering most natural-language speakers comprehensible.

Jock hunting

In many parts of the world, jocks are found as wild animals, and in some countries the jock is a highly valued game animal. For a long time, jock hunting was not pursued much thanks to laws restricting the art. However, in modern years, jock hunting has made a comeback, particularly as loopholes in 200-year-old laws allow jocks to be kept as slaves. The muscular build of jocks makes them an ideal species for slave labour, and there is a thriving jock slave trade in many countries. Jocks are also hunted for their meat, which has a high nutritional value and is currently being promoted as a low-methane alternative to beef. Because of this, jock domestication is being tested in labs. Jock hide is also valued for making durable clothing.

Jocks from all over the world

Jocks differ from country to country, region to region. Therefore it is important to correctly identify each jock.

• America A jock from America is typically seen wearing sports attire appropriate for basketball or football. A sleeveless shirt and shorts made out of jersey material is a common combination. Also, the jock can wear brands like Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, Aéropostale or a beach-related style, but only to extreme vanity. The clothes must fit tighter on his body and be non-individualistic.
• South Africa Jocks from South Africa tend to be very sporty. They usually walk in groups and, to a lesser extent, drive. South African jocks are typically known for their passion for hockey and rugby. Their favourite food is meat stuffed into cylindrical substrates known as a "boerwors".
• Australia Australian jocks (Aussies) are known for their sense of humour (or lack thereof). They typically train in the Outback (their back garden) and are rarely spotted in urban areas such as Alice Springs. Many of them dye their hair a fake blond and wear boardshorts and a singlet or tight shirt of some sort. Making them look exactly like one another, and showing off their creativity cough cough. The Australian jock is not to be confused with the common douche bag which is a closely related species.
• United Kingdom The typical jock from the UK travels in herds, similar to that of buffalo and elephants, except there are some major differences. The jock herd will not search for water holes or fresh grass, but instead for new shoes, girls/women or to show off their fake tan in conjunction with there muscles of which will always be tensed even if they are not exercising. The main sport followed by the jock from the UK will typically be rugby, but a jock will not play football/soccer because this will make them more of a chav than a jock in many cases.

Source of food

Jocks tend to consume everything they can fit in their mouths in order to satisfy their need for food. Yes, Homo sapiens tend to do that too, but that's beside the point.

• protein shakes
• bananas
• cereal
• Pro Nutro
• energy bars
• sports drinks, Energade
• pencils
• raw meat
• people
• more people
• the neighbor's cat
• sandwich with energy gel
• energy boost pills
• muscle build pills
• semen

The last two examples are typically costly and the amount taken per month is usually regulated by their wallets' capabilities.

Not to be confused with TopGear, the BBC TV programme

Accessories: jock gear

Along with their visually upsetting attire, jocks are also often associated with their accouterments, also referred to as jock gear. These consist of various apparatus for playing sports, such as a baseball bat, soccer ball, lacrosse mallet, boxing gloves, spring shoes and that required device for almost all sports, the athletic supporter, or jockstrap. Male Homo sexuals will do almost anything to obtain some of these items, especially in used condition. They have been known to offer substantial sums of money for these items to athletes, whether professional or amateur. The most prized of these items is, of course, the used jockstrap. Sotheby's Greenwich Village will be hosting their first auction of used Celebrity Jock Gear, featuring items from the personal collection of David Beckham, Joe Montana, and Jason Gould (a football helmet from The Prince of Tides is expected to attract substantial interest).

The following Jock Gear are popular in the jock industry:

• trainers (or, as other jocks define in other regions: sneakers, shoes, tekkies, running shoes)
• shorts (the shorter the better, hence the name)
• t-shirts or football jerseys (jocks tend to dislike torso-covering clothing with collars like a golf shirt)
• a watch that times e.g. a race, game (not necessarily have to tell the time)
• long sticks used to hit a spherical object
• spherical objects, with the exception of egg-like objects, namely rugby and American football
• one-litre (minimum) refillable water bottle
• deodorant, to blend in with Homo sapiens

Behaviour

Jocks have generally simplistic behaviour, strangely similar to canines, suggesting that perhaps at one time there was an unfortunate mating mishap that spiraled out of control.

Although jocks tend to be dangerous and intimidating, they are, when approaching a Homo sapiens, generally kind, and try to be as gentle to such species with their dry humour adding puns to every sentence in order to communicate with the counterpart species.

Typical jocks enjoying a common gay recreational activity

Recreational

A jock is generally incapable of complex tasks, and science shows us their mental capability is the equivalent of a twelve-month-old Homo sapiens, being able to toss objects, follow it with their eyes, look for lost objects, etc. As such, they can't do much more than the recreational activities listed.

• Playing sports of any kind unless it is either cheerleading, dance, or volleyball. Should the jock partake in those sports, he will be cast away from the group, enduring many euphemisms for the word homosexual spoken by his peers.
• Putting a ball in a net, compensating for the jock's uncertain heterosexuality.
• Lifting rocks.
• Watching other jocks lift rocks.
• Calling each other gay while lifting rocks.
• Calling each other gay while watching others lift rocks.
• Playing grab ass in the shower.
• Playing competitive grab ass in the shower.
• Playing team grab ass in the shower.
• Playing grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
• Playing capture the flag grab ass in the shower.
• Playing team capture the flag grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
• Watching other jocks playing grab ass in the shower while lifting rocks.
• Watching other jocks playing grab ass while calling each other gay while lifting rocks in the shower.
• Playing hide the sausage in a French classroom with jock peers.
• Launching themselves off a flight of stairs in a chair with wheels despite the whole common-sense myth.
• Cornering a nerd and making him show them his penis then call him a fag.
• Jocks spend about 70% of their day either watching a sports channel on TV, checking pointless scores on the internet or talking about sports with other jocks. They spend the other 30% of the day sleeping, eating and looking for anything that will have sex with them – self-respect never seems to be an issue.
• Driving Mustangs, Trans Ams and other incredibly loud vehicles.
• Yelling "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" in a chant-like manner while watching other jocks consume large amounts of beverages.
• Making little kids (and big babies) cry.
• Going through three bottles of hair gel a week.
• Farting on people.
• Clogging toilets.
• Burping out loud in nice places.
• They love to scare old people and laugh when they have a heart attack.
• Banging shemales.

Eating habits

A jock's diet is quite simple: anything they can fit in their mouth. With intense training, some jocks have been able to use a knife, fork, spoon, and even a ladle in rare cases, to eat food amongst Homo sapiens. They have even been trained so well they were able to finish entire meals without devouring their utensils. It should be noted that jocks will attempt to eat any foreign object, *cough* JOCKS ARE GOATS *cough* whether it be old popcorn on a theatre floor, or ichiban soup made with urine flavouring. They are much more likely to eat something you dare them, and doubly so if you double dare them.

Liquids are generally the same deal as solids: consume first, attempt to ask questions later. However, strangely enough, jocks prefer Gatorade® – "blue water" to signify Fierce Wild Berry, red for Fruit Punch, etc. After a jock is finished, its body will attempt to vomit up whatever just entered its stomach. This is technically healthful, as most of "everything" is toxic. However, a healthy jock will generally emit only loud belches (between farts).

For snacks about the day, jocks will attempt to chew (often due to peer pressure) anything, ranging from bark, to semen from anything that makes semen, tobacco, keyboards, to pencils or any other common school supply.

It must be noted to all Homo sapiens reading this article that the above mentioned food substances (if at all considered food) are mostly toxic and can cause temporary and to a lesser degree, permanent damage to the body as Homo sapiens do not necessarily possess the required enzymes to digest them.

Communication

Most jocks tend to have very little means of communication, so they rely on basic instinct, which can involve banging hockey sticks against the floor in a form of primitive morse code, or touching each other to signify their feelings. When confronted and confused, a jock will result to threatening to hurt another of its kin, or once again spouting off its wide range of homosexual euphemisms. Jocks are surprisingly capable of writing, though it is incredibly difficult to read without special training. However, because they are able to communicate a thought successfully, it is good enough for them, and they chase the issue no further. Another method of jock communication involves ridiculous hand movements similar to that of a speech by Hitler. God knows what they're trying to convey, but scientists unanimously agree it has something to do with sodomy.

Jocks attempting to mate in a hockey rink

Mating habits

Jocks are only considered to be male, and any jock claiming to be any other gender is likely a mutant, commonly referred to as a dyke, or a lesbian. The last is fair enough, the second is voluntary, and the third only happens after you've watched X Men – hey, we've all been there. However the number of females who never think about anything except sports is rapidly increasing to a sky-high rate (see female jocks more more info.) The jock's species only hope for survival is to find any compatible female for it to mate with, which only come in the form of cheerleaders and preps. However, it should be noted jocks often attempt to mate with each other, thankfully to no avail. Strangely enough, should a jock fail to mate with a cheerleader, or vice versa, they will be expelled from the flock, shed their natural chameleon skin, and effectively become smarter. It should be noted that while this change is reversible, once it happens a jock can become indistinguishable from Homo sapiens.

Football jocks mating on the football pitch. Pictured here are Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo.

Eggs

Jock eggs are a-priori and hidden everywhere. They appear in many different shapes and sizes – for example, small round ones resemble baseballs while other more ovoid ones are seen in hockey. Jock eggs are not created by mating but were abandoned here on Earth by an alien species who deemed them too dangerous after their redemption from slavery. Stored deep within a cave they lay dormant until 1572 when Pope John Jock II accidentally awakened one during a seemingly harmless sporting event.

The same thing happens today in common sporting events which are actually ritual attempts to awaken a jock egg. This is why receiving the game ball is such an honour among jocks. Jocks compete with each other to see who is most suitable to father the jock-spawn-to-be. They do this by means of sporting events in which many candidate fathers participate in hope that they may one day earn the rights to have their very own jock. It is regarded as a high honour. Often they best way to prove one's eligibility for this prestigious award is to see who can throw the egg the farthest, kick the hardest and shout the most gibberish.

In order for a jock egg to be destroyed it must be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. Only one being has ever succeeded in doing in this.

Jock-tastic Randy Orton

Jock field guide

Jocks are generally similar to Homo sapiens, and can therefore be a problem to identify and deal with. As such, this guide provides quick tips on how to detect, handle, or capture a jock.

How to detect a jock

Jocks are generally simplistic creatures in nature, but without a careful eye, are indistinguishable from Homo sapiens. Here's a few tips on how to recognize a jock:

• Jocks' vocabularies consist of quite a few words, and they are capable of learning several dozen over several years. However, should you witness a person (if you consider jocks "people", many do not) saying homo, fag, queer, gay, suck, or blow more than five times within a minute ... that's a jock. There have been several accounts where a jock uttered words such as penultimate and ubiquitous, but many scientists remain unconvinced they actually comprehend multisyllabic or complex words.
• Jocks love to exercise. There is no reasonable explanation for this behavior, outside of that it is part of their simplistic nature.
• Jocks have a natural (for their species, anyways) obsession with automobiles. Scientists are still deciding on the reason why. The most popular theory is that Jock's are mesmerized by the way Automobile's glide across asphalt. Perhaps the spinning wheels seem to cause a strange attraction. Nevertheless, if you find someone who talks about cars an awful lot, you may have a jock. Be careful though, as this trait is also very apparent in rednecks.
• Jocks, while in their high school stage, tend to be very popular amongst their equally cretinous peers. However, upon growing up, they tend to make a living working at grocery stores, or begging on the streets, where nobody will make eye contact with them. Should you be tempted to do so, it is recommended you resist these urges, lest you possibly engage in a conversation with him, which is one of the most physically and mentally daunting tasks.
• Jocks tend to walk like they're suffering a severe kidney, bladder, spleen, or liver injury, or as if they've got an object crammed onto their rectal shelf (not an uncommon case). This generally can be described as if they've got a limp... in both legs, and every step is a horrible experience filled with trauma, but they can pull through, thanks to their incredible muscles. Scientists think this is just for attention, or they really do have something stuck on their rectal shelf.
• This species is particularly well known for ridiculous hand movements similar to a bird flapping its wings. While this is also common among Homo sexuals, be wary if you witness this behavior.

How to handle an encounter with a jock

Should you ever encounter a jock, which is easily done by attending public high school, and enrolling into Physical Education, here is a quick guide on how to handle the situation.

• Don't panic.
• Attempt to subdue the jock by attracting its attention towards a desired object, a football, for example, if you're in a football field. This may backfire and make the jock angry at you if you use the wrong item at the wrong place. For example, a basketball at a soccer field.
• Play soothing music, if at all possible. Soothing music, to a jock's malformed ear, due to genetic mutation, generally can range from Korn to rap. Often classical does work a treat, or maybe just take your chances and run forward with a needle. There's no need for anything to be in it – thank God the placebo effect works on jocks. As such, any music appreciated by pretentious oldies rock fans or lovers of automobiles should work to subdue the beast.
• Cookies with sedatives added in. Jocks love to eat and/or attempt to eat anything that will fit in their gaping maw. They will easily accept a cookie with a sedative added in. An old wives tale, with some credit to it, perhaps, says jocks will even drink lemonade with urine mixed in, and not even notice.
• Speak simply and slowly. Jocks can't quite comprehend anything after a grade two level of thinking, so be sure to use short, concise words to get the point across. Adding in any homosexual euphemisms the jock is aware of may confuse them into thinking you too, are a jock. Remember, once again, use small words. They are much more likely to understand "fag" as opposed to "sodomite".

A inconspicuously dressed jock hunter demonstrating proper technique

How to capture a jock

Capturing a jock is a delicate subject. Few books have been written on the subject, because there is no profit to made because all purchasers of said books are committed, hung and quartered, or imprisoned in a sewer. Therefore, the point of this little guide is to let those select few individuals who'd want to catch a jock learn how to catch a jock, without anyone seeing them do it, it being the learning process, not the actual capture of the jock, which can only be done in public. This process involves several steps which are dangerously easy to accomplish.

1. Set the bait. This is really easy. Just tell the jock you intend to capture that there is football/basketball/soccer/hockey/whatever practice in an area in which the jock knows, and where there are an abundance of nets. A gym is your best bet, where nets are easily moved, and very abundant.
2. Tell the jock to play defense or (even better) be the goalie. This may be difficult. You see, there is a chemical in the brain which triggers an intense desire to be on offense, where they simply put the ball/puck/whatever in the opponent's net/hoop/court/endzone/whatever. However, this is easily counteracted with a steroid, or "confiding" that playing defense makes them the vital team member, or both.
3. Once the jock has entered the area of the mobile net, and is in the general goalie position common to most sports played by jocks, perform step four.
4. Flip the net over.
5. Push the open part of the net against a wall.

The jock is third from the left.

The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory

Jocks are complex creatures. Well, in regard to cells and cell processes and circulatory systems and organs and whatnot, they are. In regards to behavior mentioned above, no, not so much. Regardless, they have evolved in a somewhat different manner than Homo sapiens, and due to the whole Darwin thing involving adapting to different environments and whatnots, we got Homo jockus. This section, The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory, is dedicated to showing the mistakes evolution made and why we should laugh at them.

Selective hearing

Scientists found relatively well-preserved jock skeletons in a cave with lines painted on the floor in several different types of blood. We can assume other jocks also lived in these primitive sports facilities, and did play sports, while not all suffered from blood loss. Jocks would constantly be subjected to their fellow jocks' insults, teasing and taunting (not to mention sodomy, which is probably irrelevant here); over thousands of years, they grew to ignore it.

Jocks can hear only compliments. This is easily tested – if you're in French class accompanied by a beautiful girl who comes up with this theory, and there is a jock in range, which is unlikely in a French class ... Anyway just say this:

• You: [Jock] is a faggot.
• You [louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
• You [louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.

Pause a few moments and allow yourself a couple of giggles, maybe outright maniacal laughter if you feel you've earned it. Then, say this:

• You: [Jock] is good at [sport].

This will involve the jock's swiveling his head and uttering a grunt that will rhyme with duh (e.g., huh, buh, uh, whuh). This test has been proven to work again and again, and scientists often cite it as evidence for evolution.

An artist's rendition of a jock's brain (actual size)

Anatomy

Recently a jock had (reportedly) died from grabass "gruh BASS" in the shower involving some hockey sticks and a baseball bat. In order to dislodge the bat at autopsy, surgeons had to open the cranium and found not a brain but a malformed liver. Apparently, all of a jock's neural activity is conducted by a relatively useless and incapable chunk of flesh, which explains quite a bit. Surprised by this discovery, the doctors pursued it further: in the name of medical science, they tore apart the rest of the body. Within the jock's testicles, as opposed to human sperm production, they found something much more interesting: the biological equivalent of a shaved-ice machine.

When the surgeons opened the stomach, they found two beer cans and a bar of soap.