Age of Enlightenment

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Immanuel Kant, He just can't figure it out. HE CAN'T, HE CAN'T, HE CAN'T!


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Age of Enlightenment.

“Wow! I can see!”

~ A peasant on the Enlightenment

Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment or Age of Reason) is the time period just after the age of Unenlightenment and the term was used to notate when earthlings realized they could reason on their own without much help from books, priests, neighbors, and warlocks. Basically earthlings learned how to be arrogant. There is also talk of some alien invasion and universal thought control, but these rumours are as of yet unfounded.

Use of the term[edit]

'Modren' historians have shown that the Age of Enlightenment is made entirely of history. Most philosophers agree that the entire period was in essence an intellectual crusade by Kant in order to justify having sexytime with his sister, im not even joking here, i wish i was, seriously, im not writing this because its funny, its ACTUALLY TRUE, read the books, he is so hot for her, its like 18th century Jerry Springer.

The Age of Enlightenment is the third time in history that mankind has decided to think about stuff, the first being the ancient Greek sleepover and the second being the Age of the Renascence barbecue (L'Barbiquiqueque thinkoque historique).

The 'Enlightenment' was a part-government funded program by the electors of Brandenburg (Modern Prussia) to lend some cultural presence to what was a very silly country indeed. Other developments of the scheme included Gymnastics, Calvinism, Silver flutes, about 300 books which no one can be bothered reeding and most words beginning with 'K'. Widely criticised as a failure the Age of Enlightenment is almost totally responsible for the rise of the Nazis.

Modern Germany has never formally apologised for the Age of Enlightenment, an action which is universally condemned by everyone who cares about a persons intrinsic right to sleep with there close relations. Then again, Modern Ireland has never formally apologised for Michael Flatley.


The only evidence found documenting the discovery of the Age of Enlightenment, was written in green crayon by a 13 year old named Albert. This valuable rare find was found folded inside a 1961 issue of Playboy magazine. The Playboy is quite rare and valuable find indeed.
My report on the Age of Enlightenment
By Albert "Not Fat" Gore.
An example of a French Salon.

Immanuel Kant of the 18th Century published an essay titled, "Answering the Question: What is Enlightenment?" In part due to his neighbor named Mr. Dumbnuts, asking an inquiring question. Mr. Dumbnuts found a mysterious word used a dirty magazine article and went knocking on Kant's to find out the meaning of enlightenment. Kant didn't know. He was at first stumped and mystified by the big tits, then read the article mentioning the word enlightenment. He reasoned Mr Dumbnuts came to him for an answer because he had no reasoning skills.

Since Kant did not have internet access back then and since I, Al Gore, will invent the internet in the latter part of the 20th Century, he would have to publish the essay the old fashioned way. He reasoned there must be reasonable readers out there would reason the meaning of enlightenment. Soon enough an aged old man only known by his nickname, E, traveled many miles to give Kant the meaning of word enlightenment. Mr. E, was out of breath upon reaching Kant and excitedly told Kant, I know the meaning of enlightenment, and promptly fell dead. Poor Kant, he still doesn't know the meaning of enlightenment and reasoned he better ask his undertaker to dump him out in the swamp. This old man would later crawl out of the swamp and be known as the "Swamp Thing".

Goose and Gridiron, where the Grand Lodge of England was founded.

Kant reasoned he must fill out a death report and went into town to report the death of Mr. E. In the old days, only two questions asked on the death certificate, the name and age. Kant reported his name was Mr. E. The clerk did not accept this name, and requested his full name. The clerk then asked Kant to repeat the last word he spoke before his death. Kant exclaimed "Enlightenment", alright then we will call him Mr. Enlightenment, and then the clerk asked, "What is the age of Enlightenment. Why Kant exclaimed back he didn't know the age of Enlightenment. To this day, nobody knows the true age of Enlightenment. Another word, can't, was created in part, due to Kant inability to reason the true age of Enlightenment. Excuses have been said in Kant's name ever since.

I can't think of anything else to say...


  • 1610 - Age of Enlightenment begins when Galileo discovers Jupiter's moon mooning the Moon.
  • 1687 - Isaac Newton hit on head with apple; this rattled his brain, making him stupid enough to create something as Retarded as Gravity.
  • 1750s - Voltaire, pyromaniac martyr, invents volts.
  • 1781 - America kills off all red indians
  • 1785 - Immanuel Kant, raised in an all female household, actually begins to care about morality.


The age of enlightenment has long since passed, since Earthlings can simply google any question they have, and have an answer without any reasoning skills on their part. This ironic twist in history is what caused Voltaire (a rampant pedofile) to rise from his grave in 1972 and say "Fucketh this shitte, get laid ye virgins, and stoppeth thy cock blocking... I get quite erect when fools are forced to read my works".