Éamon de Valera

Éamon "Dev" de Valera (14 October 948- 29 August 1975) was an Irish freedom fighter, a former pig farmer and also a very succesful composer under the alias of 'Mozart'. He also had a dog named Pip who was a cross between a lurcher and a leprechaun. Dev was also referred to as the eternal one because of the fact he died at the age of 1026 after accidentally electrocuting himself while attempting to make toast. He has a mixed opinion in the eyes of the Irish and is hated by the Fijans after attempting to conquer the island of Fiji. This failed miserably and resulted in the death of Michael Collins in 1922.

Dev was a founding member of Fianna Fáil and also was one of the key negotiators of The Treaty of Versailles. He is rumoured to have portrayed Edward in the Twilight films, though his publicist, Vladimir, a Siberian door maker, could neither confirm nor deny the rumour. He died in 1975 and was given a traditional Irish burial involving cremating his left hand and placing the ashes in an urn beside his right hand to signify his unity with God.

Early life

Dev was born to a Native American tribe in the year 948 AD. At the age of two, he sailed the Atlantic and landed in Ireland due to his boat breaking down and required some more petrol. However, much to his dismay, the locals had no knowledge of fossil fuels. As a result he stayed in Ireland for 50 more years before travelling to Africa and starting the legend of Prestor John. It was in Africa that he discovered his talent for composing and then wrote his first piece entitled, "To my Fellow Exiled Russian Comrades".

Band years

Dev then returned to Ireland to teach the natives about music. He then formed a band with Brian Boru, Kim Jong-Il and Paddy Irishman. The band was entitled "Pus filled Chainsaw Nightmare". They released a single but there were no charts back in 1014 and so it went unnoticed. Dev later said if the single "Putrid Animal Vomit" had been released in 1950 it would surely have grabbed the number 17 spot. The song featured traditional Irish music, some Russian violin and a lot of North Korean propaganda. Perhaps the most famous line from the song goes like, "if we could puke putrid animal vomit, then we would be animals". The song was sung in F sharp. The lyrics have been praised by modern critics for their deep meaning and thought provoking ideas. No versions of the song exist however it was due to be re-released but Dev died before it could happen.

Pig farming

Dev then slipped into depression following the death of Brian Boru and Kim Jong-Il becoming communist. Dev experimented with crystal meth leading to him losing his musical talent and instead developing a deep hatred of the British. He was fired from numerous jobs and then after having a vocation to read the Bible, became inspired by The Prodigal Son's job as a pig farmer, he applied to farm pigs. He bought a plot of land in the Burren (a karst limestone landscape) and rented several pigs. However they all died leaving Dev baffled as to the cause of death. The official autopsy revealed the pigs had died from a combination of a drug overdose and blunt force trauma ro the head. Dev was upset by this and always thought they had died as a result of starvation due to the lack of grass because of the limestone. Dev then jumped off the Cliffs of Moher, had a concussion and was transported to Hawaii where he invented the sport of surfing.

Role in 1916 Rising

The 1916 Rising, according to Irish propaganda took place during Easter week in 1916. However historians believe it actually took place in Vietnam on August 23rd, 1895. Both belive that Dev played a major role in the occupation of what would be the rebel headquarters, the G.P.O (Great Pink Office). No one actually knows where the "G.P.O" was situated with some believing it was in Dublin, Pyongyang, St. Louis and Antarctica. The most popular one is Antarctica despite a building called the G.P.O being located in Dublin. However it is not pink so therefore, it is an imposter. Dev fought against the native birds and also the redcoats. He killed between 1/2 a person to 12 people. He received a medal of honour from Princess Leia during a medal ceremony in La Paz. All his superiors were executed(this has never been proved true, most people believd they were deported to Iran). All in all the 1916 Rising failed and Dev was politically insulted by a Fijan man leading to the subsequent invasion of Fiji in October 1917.

The Invasion of Fiji

After being insulted by a Fijan man when the 1916 Rising failed, Dev launched an invasion of Fiji. Firstly, Dev commissioned his dog, Pip, to design the boat on which the entire Irish army, consisting of 10 men, 3 pigs and 50 suicide sheep bombers, could fit on. Dev had discovered that sheep were unknown to the Fijans, so he thought they would accept them as gods, then the sheep would detonate themselves with the strength of two nukes. Dev did not worry about this, as he would wear a radiation suit. Pip built her boat out of whatever she could find including grass, wood, empty crisp packets and animal bones.Her design was based on a pirate ship but unfortunately the ship was too big to be taken out of storage. Dev got very angry and threw Pip onto the streets where she mated with the local men for money. Dev blew up the storage facility destroying the ship. He had to use a decommissioned cruise liner to launch his invasion. On September 28 1917, he launched for Fiji. He arrived on October 7, 1917. The sheep bombers got lost on the vast ship and eventually killed themselves by diving off the ship into the propeller. Dev had to live with what he had but the Fijans proved too strong for his army with their superior wooden spears. Dev called off the invasion with the 50 sheep dead and 3 men also dead. The pigs were too lazy to fight so he ate them. He sailed back to Ireland in dismay, but got lost and landed in Paris right on time for the negotiations of the Treaty of Versailles in 1918.

Treaty of Versailles

After landing in Paris, Dev went to Versailles to help his close allies, Germany, get the best out of the Treaty of Versailles. He played a major part in ensuring that the Germans were not, as England had suggested, nuked into oblivion. Instead they were blamed for the war and had several bad things happen to them including the execution of Willheim, the German's favourite dog. However, the Germans were happy that they had not been nuked and so gifted Dev with the ownership of Berlin. Dev was forced to give this up after his sister, Anne Frank was interred in a concentration camp. At the end of the negotiations Dev was the target in an assassination attempt. A British assassin was sent by James Bond to eliminate him. He had to make sure it looked like an Irish hit, so the assassin chose to launch a hurley at Dev. However due to the hurley being wooden, it shattered immediately, leaving the assassin, a four year old orphan who did not know his true identity due to being shot in the back (this child was the inspiration for the character of Jason Bourne), being impaled by the hurley where he lay on top of the Versailles palace until his skeleton was discovered by a local rabbit and then eaten.

The War of Independence

Dev returned to Ireland in 1919, at the time Ireland were trying to gain their independence from the tyranny that is England. For an unknown reason, the English invaded and took over Ireland in a display of arrogance. Dev played a very minor role in the war. He was involved in an ambush at a police station in Soloheadbeg (yes that is what the place was called). After that, he played minor parts in the war leaving most of it to Michael Collins. He was at Croke Park when Bloody Sunday occurred. Mick had sent his squad to murder the treacherous British spies and in response the brits killed lots of men at a GAA game. Dev was outraged and in retaliation, nuked London, killing the royal family. The war was over and Ireland were independent. London was also destroyed, so Dev decided to conquer England. Michael Collins disagreed due to the fact that five years earlier they had been beaten by the Fijans. This started a civil war, which lasted one hour and five minutes. This resulted in the death of Michael Collins. Dev then invaded London and conquered the UK and renamed it Éire and the UILC which means Ireland and the union of Irish led countries. The UILC was modelled on the USSR. However it is not communist as Dev stated,"I don't like communism." These words of wisdom went on to inspire the award winning film, Taken. This has lasted well with the Brits still being controlled by Ireland along with Fiji, Spain and the East coast of America.

Later years and death

After the occupation of Britain, Dev became the Taoiseach of the UILC. As Taoiseach he outlawed communism and demanded everyone join the IRA. Dev used his links with North Korea to nuke some of America and as a result, conquered it and murdered his old friend Kim Jong-Il by forcing him to eat his own son raw. Dev then nuked North Korea and was very happy. He sat down for a nice cup of locally brewed tea infused with whiskey. He then tried to play the piano, but he broke all his fingers and eventually having 13 of them amputated. He did not let this get to him and he won the world snooker championships a record 507 times. He occupied Spain and set up the re-incarnated inquisition and tried all who opposed the Irish. As everyone loves Ireland only one Muslim extremist was executed by stoning. He then became president of Ireland and the UILC. He took over the UN and launched a space programme. However, he ended up destroying all alien civilisation by nuking them, mistaking them for the royal family. He was a great fan of toast and admired how much a slice of bread could change. His toaster usually made the toast but it was sick today so Dev made it. It got stuck in the industrial sized toaster and Dev got it out with a fork. However in the process, he was electrocuted and died instantly. He was buried in 1973 in Glasnevin cemetary, called so because it is full of glass. In his will he left the UILC to the command of an unborn baby. He also stated he would reincarnate as the messiah in the year 2025. After his death the UILC collapsed but was restored in 1998 with the birth of its new leader.

Personal life

Dev was accused of beastiality with Pip, but in retaliation to this accusation he killed Pip and also nuked Australia where the rumour had started. He married 100 times. He only had one child during these relationships duing to the fact he was infertile until the age of 1000. His daughter was named Rihanna and sent to live on a Caribbean Island. She became a worldwide success but Dev, becoming worried, had her killed. He was also at the centre of a plot to assassinate Justin Bieber. However Bieber was not born at that stage so he ended up assassinating JFK instead.