“I'm telling you, the aliens are after me...they can read my mind.”
“Hey, shutup! No, you shutup! No, you shutup! I didn't say anything!! Well you're the one talking! Look everybody, just shutup!”
Schizophrenia doesn't really exist, you know. It was invented by psychiatrists to get me to take all those little colored pills. Actually, what they want to do is control my brain, so that I can't communicate with the aliens who are helping me to take over the world. But I'll show them. I'm hiding all the pills under my tongue and then feeding them to the squirrels outside my cell.
Once I've taken over the world, those psychiatrists are going to be in for a rude surprise. Not to mention the CIA, NASA, and my mother. What's that mother?! No, I didn't say anything; you know I would never harm you.
Damn her! Always listening to me, the hag.
Nothing, mother! You know I love you. (Bitch.)
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
- Paranoia: Paranoia is a constant state of fear and worry. You MUST avoid paranoia at ALL COSTS!!! Naruto is pretty much the definition of this disorder. Once you enter this state of constant fear, it is much, much easier for the CIA, the shadow government, the aliens, the "psychiatrists" and the mimes to control you. You don't want that to happen to you. Personally, I spend weeks and weeks anxious that I will become paranoid. In fact I have become so concerned about catching paranoia that I frequently spend days at a time hiding under my bed, armed with a spatula. People who suffer from paranoia tend to view coincidences as inexplicable links between occurrences and may believe that news stories and webpages are about them personally (like this one is about me). If you, <insert name here>, ever think in this way, you may have paranoid schizophrenia.
- Delusions: Perceptions of and belief in things which do not really exist. Delusions are broadcast by the CIA from a remote station in Antarctica and then relayed through your skull by satellites in geostationary orbit over Area 51, in Nevada. HOWEVER, a thin layer of aluminum foil is sufficient to deflect the government's delusion-waves. Be SURE to wear these at all times (I don't leave home without 'em). Delusions can also be spread by viruses and bacteria, which the Postal Service mixes into the glue in their stamps. When you lick them, you get the delusion-inducing bacteria. Think about it: how else could they possibly get so many people to vote Republican?
- Disorganized thinking: For instance, you might suffer from disorganized thinking if you could not follow the clearly laid out connection between the CIA controlling John F. Kennedy through implants in his head, which caused him to order NASA to fake the moon landings, which in turn resulted in his assassination by Fidel Castro because... um, well, anyhow, my point is it's all run by the Postmaster General. Anything anyone else tells you are lies made up from this disorganized thinking everyone else but me seem to have. (Isn't that right mother? Yes, that's right... Soon you'll get to use the McDonald's burgers as weapons too.)
- Hallucinations: These are really bad. Just ask the big green dragon in my closet. He gets some wacked-out hallucinations. More common are auditory hallucinations, such as hearing voices. (No, mother, for the fifth time, I will not set fire to my head right now, I am trying to write an article!)
- Megalomania: This is thinking you are someone really, really important. This symptom is much less common than it used to be, because as the second coming of Jesus Christ, I have been using my touch to heal people.
- Substance abuse: Schizomaphrenics often suffer from... shubshtance abush. Mother, you're the greatesh. I mean that mother. Your the besht mother I ever had. Dammit mother, I can drink whenever I want! Shhut up! Seriously mother, you're wonderful.
- Catatonia: Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffridge...
- Deppression: Another common symptom is a deep sadness, also known as deppression. I'd tell you more, but I have to stick this knife in my chest to get rid of this queasy feeling of mine.
|Zork: The Great Underground Empire||Score: meh||Moves: 1|
Step 3: Leave your friends behind
Making and spending time with friends is a great way to keep your mind off masturbation(see step 1). However, you may have friends with problems similar to yours, and it is these friends that you must avoid at all costs(see step 3). As long as you continue to associate yourself with these defilers of the Lord's will, you run a risk of being contaminated by their impurity. Much like the common cold, the AIDS virus, and homosexuality, the urge to masturbate is virulently contagious, and spreads rapidly between people within close proximity to one another. In fact, it's often safest to avoid human contact altogether. Even those who seem to live pure and wholesome lives may be agents of Lucifer putting on an elaborate facade in order to trick you into beating off. The best way to avoid these imps of the Deceiver is to sit at home and spend your time focusing on not thinking about masturbation. If you feel that you must continue to have friends, you are wrong. What have friends ever done for you, anyway? You can have a life after you've gotten over your wanking withdrawal.
21 January 2007
Ever since the severing of someone's manhood by Romanian surgeon and medical doctor Naum Ciomu, terrorist organizations looking for those proficient in torture have taken to hiring surgeons from Romania. Included is al-Quaeda, looking for more torturous devices and whatnot to make Bush be a dumbass to piss off Americans everywhere.
Surgeons were in demand for torture among terrorist organizations around the world, although Romanian ones were not necessarily noticed until Ciomu's testicular manslaughter. Not much has been discovered as of now
but more may develop in the near future.
And by near, I mean never.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Some exceptions are Obi-Wan Kenobi
, who was raised by those formerly of the Sith who gave up the Sith ways but kept the accent, and Darth Vader, who had a voice box in his armour to sound like James Earl Jones (that guy who announces "This is CNN") and does not have a British accent because the voice box filters it out. Darth Vader is a special case, because he was conceived by The Force, or rather that his mother did not say who his father was, but made up the whole story to cover up her life as a whore like your mom did. Also, Darth tries to hide the fact that he does not have a British accent, by talking like William Shakespeare and using his expressions, but he fools nobody because we're all a bunch of geeks so we take great care in noticing the accents of Star Wars people.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was a porn star (see image) before becoming a Jedi and learned how to sound like a Sith without actually being a Sith because he was raised by ex-Siths and adopted; his real parents are David Hasselhoff and Tubgirl who sent him into the past, via a rocket ship, which went to a galaxy far far away, that was long long ago.
Boba Fett and Jango Fett do not have a British accent, but are actually neutral in the movie and have NZ accents. The Clonetroopers and Stormtroopers are based on Jango Fett's DNA, and thus they are all neutral and just in it for the money, so they can afford prostitutes.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
What do you mean all the cubicles are ocupado? Are you Spanish? What do you mean that there's a queue? Are You going to let them tell you when or where to poop? You are? Well look, that's where you're wrong. You've always been pushed around and forced to take orders, don't you think it's time you took matters in your own hands for once in your life? And there's no better opportunity, so you better man up.
Now, we need to think about this. Yes, you've already told me all the cubicles are busy. How about the urinals, anyone using them? A couple? So that leaves one left rig- Yes I know you need a poop we're improvising here. Ok, I think I've got it. This may sound risky but you're gonna have to do one in the urinal, it'll be fine, I promise, if you don't get caught. We'll do this in steps, is that better? Cool.
Step 1: Getting to the urinal
Now, the last thing you want to happen is for them to realize what you're going to do before you've even had a chance to do it. After all, how are they going to know that you're a big boy who can take care of his own problems if they don't see you solve this one? Being alone is NOT how you want to go about this issue. Deceive. You're a big boy, after all. Okay, here goes...
- You: You know what, I'm just going to pee instead.
- Guy In Queue For Cubicles: Yeah, whatever man.
See, he's already impressed that you're not willing to put up with the constraints that society places on public toilets. So what you're in a school, it's basically the same thing, right? Hang on... we're not in the primary school toilets where the loos are really close to the ground are we? No. Good, that makes things a lot easier for us. Step forward, that's it, go on. Well done, you should now be situated in front of the urinal.
Step 2: Positioning yourself
Now, I know that at 18 you're expected to be able to pee without taking your trousers down and simply undoing your zipper, but once again this is society holding you back, man! But we don't want to make it too obvious at first, rushing isn't always a good thing, you know? So just pull down the zip. That's right, all the way. I'm liking the boxer shorts, they're very mature, which is exactly what we're trying to portray here! You're on the way!
How loose are your trousers? Don't ask me why, look have I failed you yet? Exactly, so freaking trust me on this one, okay? Okay, you may need to give them a bit of encouragement, move a little - No not yet, you idiot! When you've undone your button. Are you ready? Go. You're shaking, are you nervous? Jeez, come on! Stop fumbling with that button and undo it already! Didn't I already ask you to man up? Well now I'm telling you.
Take your hands away from your trousers for a sec. Hey look! They're falling! Oh... They stopped, well they're down to the knees and that should be enough. Nice legs by the way.
- You: Whoopsie!!
- Guy In Queue For Cubicles: Come on man, just pull them up.
- You: I would, but if I bend forward I'll end up putting my head in the urinal... I don't really want that now, do I?
Did you go to acting school? That. Was. Immense. You're getting the hang of this now, I know we're going to succeed, just keep doing what you're doing. I don't know what's up with that guy though, why does he keep talking to you? Now he's looking at your ass. He's going to be so impressed. Now this is when it's going to start looking weird to them, although with that display of brilliant acting I saw just then, I believe in you. Turn around as if you're going to pull them up, now, quickly slide your boxer shorts down that cute little ass of yours. Damn, I'd do anything to be that urinal right now.
I'm sorry? You've got a problem with the way I'm speaking to you? Do you really want me to walk away and leave your sorry self with your ass sticking out at the urinal? 'Cause I can, just watch me. I'm kidding!! I wouldn't leave you. Just do as I say and don't pay any attention to the comments I make if they make you feel uncomfortable.
I don't think you're trying hard enough here. The guy who was at the urinal next to you left and he didn't even wash his hands, ergh, talk about a lack of hygiene concern. Well you're nearly in position here, you just need to take a step back and sit down on the rim of the urinal. There we go. I bet that feels good, doesn't it? That cold, hard porcelain rim pressing against your... Ahem, sorry.
Step 3: Doing the deed
Now this bit is mostly up to you, I can't really do much directing here. I hope you didn't have curry last night or this may get a lit- You did? Oh, well as long as you bought copious amounts of toilet roll you should be fine.
What do you mean no toilet roll?! How did you not see this happening? I don't care if it's never this busy, that doesn't excuse a lack of toilet roll! Stop shouting, you're starting to draw the wrong sort of attention. Look you know what you have do, right? No, don't use your sock.
- You knock on the wall of the cubicle
- You: Excuse me, you couldn't pass me some roll, could you?
- Guy Who Was Previously In Queue For Cubicles: Er... Sure.
- He passes some back under to you
- You: Thanks.
It's a good job and he likes you, I think you've made a friend there. Now it's time for you to prove you're a man and do the deed, I'm counting on you, make it a good'un. You're done already? Okay, if you're sure, now give yourself a quick wipe and slide the tissue back under his stall - you're practically best friends now, the least he can do is flush it, right? There's certainly a few people looking, get dressed quick in case one of the guys is a loser and calls the teacher. Good, now let me take a-
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I ASKED YOU TO DO A SHIT NOT A FUCKING CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE!! MY DOG DOES BIGGER TURDS THAN THAT, YOU SAID YOU HAD A FUCKING CURRY LAST NIGHT, I WAS EXPECTING WILLY WONKA'S CHOCOLATE WATERFALL NOT A BURNT COCKTAIL SAUSAGE!!
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOILET!
I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. I guess this proves if you want a job done correctly, do it yourself. You can go now.