Whittier, Alaska
W Shittier, nicknamed “A Reddit Armchair Urban Planner’s Wet Dream” [1] or “Pripiyat of the Great North”, is a town in Alaska that you’ve never heard of, period. But that’s something rather unremarkable for any human settlement in Alaska. But what IS remarkable about Whittier? Every other fucking thing in this town, for God’s sake.
History[edit | edit source]
Whittier started off back in the day as a World War II army base, and it really shows. Like, REALLY. So, they built a big, ugly apartment block to house a shit ton of soldiers. And then they let that deteriorate because then they built another one. And, uhhh… Whittier hasn’t changed all that much to this day.
Constant un-tropical monsoon season[edit | edit source]
Whittier is so rainy that it makes Ketchikan look like a Fucking desert. Yes, Fucking with a capital F, in bold text. I’m not joking, bro. This place very may well be the location of God’s cum sock, that’s how rainy it is. Here is a scientifically proven theorem to calculate just how rainy it is in Whittier:
Step 1: Start with the annual rain in Seattle.
Step 2: Multiply that by the weekly rain in Portland.
Step 3: Add the monthly rain in Vancouver (the trashy BC one, not the lovable Washington one), squared.
Step 4: Add the fortnightly amount of rain in Juneau or two for good measure.
You now have the amount of rain that falls in a single day in Whittier, divided by three.
The Towers[edit | edit source]
No, not those towers!
The vast majority of Whittier residents live in an ugly-ass building that is called the “towers” despite being a single building. A fucking fat-ass commie block, that is. And if that wasn’t ugly and post-apocalyptic enough, there is another abandoned apartment building right next to the tower(s), which has been in a state of deterioration for only-God-knows-how-long.
This level of compactness is essentially Vancouveritis taken to the extreme. You can sprint from one end of Whittier to the other in clunky hiking boots (and I know because I’ve done it.)
The Tunnel[edit | edit source]
You enter Whittier via a tunnel that goes right through a fucking MOUNTAIN. I mean, why not go… around it? But as Alaskans do, they just wanted to set records for being the biggest… that’s why the dam state exists, doesn’t it? Everything’s bigger in Alaska (except for the towns,) that’s how it was always meant to be.
So this tunnel that the Alaskans painfully dynamited through a mountain is the longest fucking highway tunnel in the entire USA. But nobody fucking cares. Go back to Girdwood, or big old un-Alaskan Anchorage. Hell, you could camp out in the middle of the Chugach forest for all I care.
And oh yeah, the tunnel. It’s… just kinda there. It’s big. That’s… kinda it.
Ok, everyone, can we stop talking now? There are much better places to visit in Alaska than Whittier, and you are wasting your precious time by reading a stupid uncyclopedia article written by a fucking retard. Get a life, you’re literally in Alaska, land of getting a life itself.
