UnVoyage:Anchorage

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Welcome to Anchorage! Expect the entire fucking sky to fall on your head.

Anchorage is the largest city in Alaska (which doesn't mean that much because it's Alaska). Anchorage is known for its climate, which consists of rain, snow, rain, sleet, rain, rain, hail, and more rain. However, the black-magic sorcerers of nearby Whittier have somehow made Anchorage look like a desert.

Get in

There are many ways to enter Anchorage, although the most popular method is by dogsled. As so many tourists have said, dogsledding is amazing experience, as long as you don't get mauled.

Get around

Bus

Dogsleds are actually the only way to get around when it's snowy, trust me.

The bus in Anchorage is fairly cheap: it only requires a fee of 10 pounds of red meat for the dogs and 10 bucks for the humans. Just don’t feed anything else to the dogs, we’re not making that mistake again…

Car

Cars are very rare in Anchorage. Tourists are instead urged to B.Y.O.D.S. (Bring Your Own Dogsled).

See

You can see Russia from local backyards. You would also be able to see the Northern Lights and Mount McKinley (Denali), if the sky ever cleared up.

Do

There are tons of things to do here in Anchorage, such as:

• Sarah Palin, although we don't recommend it.
• Freeze to death and then be thawed out by the rain (an integral part of the Alaska experience.) Whether the thawing will resurrect you, we cannot answer. The thing is, everything you do in Alaska is a gamble with your life.

Buy

Make sure to buy your own dogsled. They are fairly expensive, but they’re far better quality than the rental sleds.

Eat

Great place for seal meat.

In Alaska you will find a great variety of delicacies that are virtually unobtainable elsewhere… for better or for worse. We recommend:

• Undercooked seal meat
• Blubber sauce
• Suspiciously yellow snow
• Salmon bones snatched from the bears (hopefully your bones will still have some meat on them!)

Sleep

You should stay here if you can afford it.

Numerous igloos are scattered around Anchorage for your convenience. Only two hundred dollars a night! (What? Too expensive for you? This is Alaska, and this is cheap as you can get.)

Stay safe

Avoid the bloodthirsty rogue dogsled dogs (They are particularly active in the winter, which lasts eleven months of the year.) Avoid stay out for too long at all costs (you really will freeze to death, no matter how many layers of clothing you’re wearing). Don't keep meat in your pocket when riding the "bus", or the dogs will likely eat you alive. And of course, don't try to mush your way up a mountain, unless you want to die in an avalanche.

Beware of the local moose population!

The Suġmakoq Hotel in western Anchorage, voted finest in Alaska in 2011.

Moose, *ahem*, meese, whoops, mooses, uhhh, mice, are far larger and more aggressive than you think. They’re like monsters compared to regular deer, and believe it or not, they resort to eating meat when their food gets scarce. They will trample you to death if they don’t stab you with their horns first, and they can run at supersonic speeds. In fact, consider avoiding Alaska entirely, since they can smell you from hundreds of miles away, and they are bloodthirsty killers. And don’t even think about trying to shoot them, because their hides are bulletproof. In fact, moose are actually demons sent by Satan himself to plunge the earth into chaos so he can rule over everything.

Respect

The best way to dress in Anchorage is to wear an AC strapped around you. Treat the local tribes with immense respect and do as they say, unless you wish to be brutally stabbed to death with a harpoon.

Connect

If you want civilization, you came to the wrong place. Juneau is pushing it, but Anchorage is a bridge too far, at least for anyone who isn’t willing to dive face-first into Mother Nature’s digestive tract.

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• Antarctica

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