Wheeling Jesuit University/Buildings/Kirby/Sara Tracy

Wheeling Jesuit University: Kirby/Sara Tracy

Kirby/Sara Tracy is the only all-female dorm on Wheeling Jesuit University. It is an extremely scary place to be on a weekend night and is home to all manner of icky creatures. For more information on the mating habits of females, please see "girl".

History

Trust me, you won't find girls like these in this dorm.

Prior to 1975, women were treated like second-class citizens on Wheeling College. That has not changed much in contemporary times, but at least they now have proper lebensraum, which was a strictly male idea up until the 1960s. Women were not equipped for the hard labour demanded by the penal colony, and they were thus mostly kept around for the sake of amusement and for keeping literature department numbers constant. In spite of the many humanitarian reforms instituted by the Dschinghis Khan protectorate in their long reign, they, too, were guilty of treating women poorly. Up until 1537, the only career options afforded to women at Wheeling College were coffee house waitress and harem staff. Although the Lacrossetitution Guild gave women sanctuary and work, their limited resources meant that women were frequently denied basic opportunities as given to men (such as the right to run around naked).

Father Raculad, who required female virgin blood every two weeks, decided to kill two birds with one stone by founding Sara Tracy dormitory in 1975, the year he was installed as president of Wheeling College. Along with this new dorm came a new era of women's rights on campus: they were now allowed outside of kitchen facilities without the escort of a male relative and were allowed to report crimes to Campus Insecurity without the threat of being burnt as a witch. In return, Father Raculad demanded that a sacrifice be made to him every two weeks.

By 1983, Father Raculad, to his dismay, learned that there were no longer any virgins on campus. Deciding that community outreach was not a solution, Raculad led an army of Vampire Lords against the residents of Sara Tracy, whom retaliated by stabbing the aggressors with various kitchen utensils. Although the vampire army had the upper hand, Raculad had gone an entire moon cycle without tasting virgin blood, and expired before the victorious ladies. Most of the Vampire Lords were sentenced by the Moskau tribunals to star in both Underworld films. Many of them chose disintegration rather than such a terrible fate.

Kirby is, funnily enough, named after Kirby and not after a previous WJU board member, as is often erroneously believed.

Kirby was added to Sara Tracy by Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang in 2000 after he had completed Kirby Super Star after playing the video game for 80 hours without stopping. Naming the dorm after Nintendo's pink puffball of fun, a glassy-eyed Huang declared at its opening that "this dorm will, like Kirby, suck". In more ways than one, it does.

Design Flaws

While the air-conditioning unit is notorious for breaking down, that is, in fact, not a design flaw at all but rather a clever way for the architect of the building to get girls out of their dorm rooms on sultry summer days.

The biggest design flaw of Kirby/Sara Tracy is that the kitchen is not nearly large enough for all the girls to be in it at the same time, thus undermining the "Ray Charles Principle" that a woman ought to know her "rightful place". Several engineers have proposed eliminating a third of the dorm rooms and replacing them with kitchens. This proposal garnered great support during the interim reign of the Council of About Twenty Dudes and Two Hot Chicks, but this move has been blocked multiple times by less progressive entities on campus.

Extremely sexy residents of Kirby/Sara Tracy frequently complain that they get the feeling that they are always being watched, especially while changing or taking a shower. Campus Insecurity has since stopped entertaining claims of this nature, because there is absolutely no validity to them.

Difference Between Boys and Girls

………………………_„---------„___
…………………..„-“” , , , , , , , , , ¯¯”~-„
…………………„” , , , . . . . . . . . . . . . , “-„
……………….„/”, , , . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , ,”~-„_),
………………/ , , , , . __ . . . . . . . . . . . . . , , , ,|….BOYS HAVE A PENIS, GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA
……………..| , , , , . / : : ¯””~~------~~~””””~„ , /, “„………….__
…………….| , , , , , / : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : ::| , , |…………|: :\
………….,_,|, , /¯¯: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| , ,|…………\ : :\......_
…………| -„ ‘\ , | : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : | , ,|………….\.: :\...( _”\
………….\ ,’ \ \ | : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :\ ,/_..............\: : \...) --\
…………..\ ‘;;\ | : : : ~~--„„__ : : : : : : __ : : : :\/¯, /…………..} : : V : : /
……………\ : :| : : : : :~„º „~”~ ; ; ;|~”o ,”~ : : ;/ „”………….…/ :,-~~~~~\
…………..„-\_/; ; ; : : : : : : : : :;; : :| ¯””¯ ‘ : : : / /.../¯¯””~-„_../ : : ’~~-----„:\
……….„-“;;;;;| ; ; ; : : : : : :„-“ ; ; : : \ : : : : : : ; //…..\ : : : ;/ ; ;¯/ : : : : : : : ‘\
…...„-“;;;;;;;;;;;| ; ; ; : : ;--“”; ;\ | ; : : | \ : : : : : ; /…….¯””~-„ : : : „----~~~”””- : |
„-~”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : : |_ ; ; ; ‘’~--~’¯ : : : : ; /-„_...............”-„: :"~~~---- : : : |
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : :| ;\¯””~~~~””/: : : : /:::::::¯””~-„__.......”~„_ ; ; : : : : ; /\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ \ : ; | : “”~~~~””¯: / ; ;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯¯¯”~-„__’\ ; ; ; ; :„-“ :\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”„\ : ;\ : : : : : : : : :/ „”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ --~”” : : : : \
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”-„; ~-,_; ;_,-~ „-“;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ : : : : : : :/|
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;””~~----~~””;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~-----~””„--“\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~~~””¯ . . .\

…………………………………………...,__…………………………………………
………………………………,,--~""""¨¨¨`"~-,,"~-,……………………………………
…………………………..,-"´ . . . . . . . . . . .¯"~-",…………………………………
…………………………," . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\'-,…………………………………
……………………..,-,-' . . ,, . . . '-, . .,, . . . . . . . '¡ ',………………………………
……………………..!..! . . .__,, ,' . .'-~---~ . . . . . . "¡………………………………
……………………..",! . . ,--""¯,' . .-,, . . . . . . . . . .,~,……………………………
……………………….'¡ . . . . . ,-^--"" . .'-, . . . . . . .,! . '¡……………….............
………………………._\ . . . .,' .,,--~~-, . ' . . . . . . ¡,', /……………………………
……………………..,'....'¡ . . .' .,'.......,,,'- , . . . . . . ¡,,|……THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
………………………\....¡ . . . '. \-~"¨¯--' . ', . . . . .,'………………………………
………………………."-,.', . . . ., ¨¯,--~, . . . . . . ,.!…………………………………
………………………….."'-, . . . . .' , , ' . . ,' ,' , , _,"………………………………
…………………………_,,,-"~-, '~ - - - -" ,' ',/¯¯¯.....'\,_……………………………
…………………,,-~"¨¨¯....|......¯"""~~-, . . !.........,,-"...¯"""~~---,,,,__……………
…………,,-~"¯................|,______,,,,,|"¯¯'''''¯¯¯............................""""~~-,..
……,-~".....................................|.....¡.........."-,................................,,,,-,..."
…,-"..........................................|.....'¡.............\.......................-""",-'.,-~--,"~
,-".............................................|......¡..............'\......................"'-,,---"¯"~,..
................................................|.......¡...............'\.............,,,,,,,,,,,,,,-","""'"¨
................................................|.......'¡.................'\.........!,..................¨¨"""~
"""""""""¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨'¡_,,,,,,--~~~,..............'\..........¨¨¨¨¨¨"~,..............

WJU Dorms

• Campion/McHugh
• T-More
• Ignatius
• Lundy Hall