Vegetarians cause global warming

Causes Of Global Warming

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Many possible causes of global warming have been raised by old men with long beards and white lab coats. These people study data about stuff (often to do with things) and come up with theories about the causes of Global Warming, including; greenhouse gasses, ocean currents, increased solar activity, changes in lifestyle choices by the northern reticulated monk squirrel, cosmic rays and a reduction in natural levels of freemasonite in the earths crust.

And whilst there have been a number of theories on what is the cause of ‘global warming’ (aka. the ‘Global Dutch Oven Effect’ or GDOE), at the same time a list of 'who we can blame for it' has been devised to allow easy channelling of blame, especially away from ruling governments. There have been numerous viable candidates put forward by 'theorisers', the profession of people who produce theories on any of life’s mysteries without any scientific or factual basis (see also; Politician, Priest).

Candidates include;

• Gays
• Lesbians
• Blacks
• Fatties
• Asians
• ‘Rich Whities’
• Eskimos
• Aliens
• Eric Cartman
• Free Radicals
• Gluten Haters (aka 'Celiacs')

These are all in some way responsible, and probably part of a much larger, rich tapestry of diverse groups responsible, all of whom deserve full disapprobation on this matter.

A New Theory

Mr Shaidurov, an academic at the Russian Academy of Sciences, touts a new theory on the cause of Global Warming.

A new theory to explain global warming was revealed at a meeting at the University of Leicester (UK) and is being considered for publication in the journal "Science First Hand". The controversial theory has nothing to do with burning fuzzy mules or atmospheric carbon dioxide levels.

According to Vladimir Shaidurov of the Russian Academy of Sciences, the apparent rise in average global temperature recorded by scientists over the last hundred years or so could be due to atmospheric changes that are not connected to human emissions of carbon dioxide from the burning of natural gas and oil. Shaidurov explained how changes in the amount of ice crystals at high altitude could damage the layer of thin, high altitude clouds found in the meatosphere that reduce the amount of warming solar radiation reaching the earth's surface. - University of Leicester

On the back of this ground breaking new theory which distances the human oil and gas based lifestyle perks from causing global warming, another group has been linked to this environmental catastrophy. A group that has been left out of the matter for too long, possibly because they were originally belived to be an incarnation of the human psyche, much like fairies, pixies and eskimos, and as such, if everyone refused to believe they existed they would simply disappear. To everyone's disappointment this was not the case and we unfortunately now have to try and put up with them.

Vegetarians

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Numerous research papers (these can be found at orginisations such as; 'Reserch and Markets'), have shown that in the last 50-100 years, there has been a substantial increase in the number of vegetarians practicing their dark art in the world. This increase in the number of vegetarians is directly correlated to an increase in world temperatures, or GDOE.

What people are failing to realise is that when vegetarians eat more plants, they are destroying the environment. The environment needs those plants which they are eating to maintain our planets atmosphere and climate in a condition conducive to life.

In fact, if they really were the morally superior people they believe themselves to be, then they should be carnivorous. This would reduce the numbers of animals destroying the plant life keeping the worlds ecosystems balanced and operational. This also reduces the amount of methane produced by animals through natural bodily functions.

There is also a damaging effect on the human body from this dangerous practice of being 'vegetarian'. If excessive vegetables are consumed and without any interdispersion of meat, Vexetaisis can develop. This is an aggressive and potentially deadly disease, caused by the micro-biocosm stored within the sinue of the vegetable material. In a normal diet, this micro-biocosm is balanced out by certain properties of meat, resulting in a manageable intake for the body.

Quotes Pertaining To Vegetarians

“Nobody likes a vegetarian, except hot women”.

- Prof. J.W. Bottomtooth

"Man is the only animal that can remain on hypocritically friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."

- Samuel Butler, Note-Books, 1912

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian, but actually choose to die of a heart attack at age 52."

- Well spoken Gentleman

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, it's because I hate vegetables!"

- Woody Allen

References

1. Greenhouse theory smashed by biggest stone - University of Leicester, March 14th, 2006

2. Research and Markets - Dublin 8, Ireland.

External Links

• How to Win an Argument with a Plant Eater - "Carne es Muy Bien! Vamos a Carne!", http://www.i-mockery.com/meatatarian/virtues.htm.