User:Zombiebaron/wip/Church of Scatology redux

The Church of Scatology

The cross of Scatology
Formation ?	1952
Founder	L. Ron Poopturd
Headquarters	The Church of Scatology Grand Toilet, Los Angeles, California, USA
Type	Scatalogical
Membership	23,452 people and two cows

The Church of Scatology is the main organizational body of Scatology, a system of beliefs and related practices created by L. Ron Poopturd in 1952. Poopturd single handedly wrote and published all of the holy texts of the religion before his untimely death in 1986. Poopturd later ascended into Scatoheaven, where he now lives and passes on messages to his followers through their poo.

Scatology teaches that all matter is constant and that therefore all of the food we eat has an immortal spirit. These immortal food spirits attempt to communicate with humans through our poop. Only by paying for classes offered by the Church of Scatology can humans ever hope to understand the secret hidden messages in their own shit.

The Church of Scatology is one of the most controversial new religious movements to have arisen in the 20th century. It has often been described as a cult that financially defrauds and abuses its members. Leaders at the Church of Scatology have consistently dismissed these claims, saying that such remarks are "bullshit".

Beliefs and practices

A Chuch of Scatology in downtown Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.

Scatan and Shitan Particles

Scat

The main belief of the Church of Scatology is that scat is the mouthpiece of Narconon. Scatologiests attempt to find hidden messages in their scat. These messages are normally found through investigation of the shape, smell, and consistency of the scat, as tracked over time. The easiest way for Scatologiests to track patterns in their scat over time is through preserving the scat. This is where the Church of Scatology helps out its patrons.

In the basement of every Church is a large vault, with a compartment for each patron of that Church. Scatologiests carry their scat to these underground scat vaults on a weekly basis. The high priest of each church spends everyday of the week except for Friday, which is the day of prayers, in the vault making detailed notes on the scat of his patron Scatologiests.

Calendar

Due to the differences in the beliefs of Scatologiests from the rest of the human population, the Church of Scatology has designed its own calendar. This calendar makes things much easier for Scatologiests, as well as other members of society. For instance the Scatological Calendar has no need for leap years. Instead of including an extra day at the end of Febraury, the Scatologiest have added a thirteenth month to their calendar. This new month comes after Samu (the twelfth month), and is named Heike. The thing that makes Heike so unique though is that it only has one quarter of day in it. The thirteen months of the Scatological calendar are as follows: Remalat, Boudewijn, Nebojsa, Estebe, Pétur, Sroel, Bittor, Lior, Djordje, Milan, Mateja, Samu, Heike. The months are named after the thirteen major saints of Scatology. Years are measured by the Scatologists as having begun on the day that St. Ramalat was born, and instead of years, they are measured in "Glorious Years of Narconon".

Saints

There are three ways to become a saint of The Church of Scatology. The first way is to have sex with St. Remalat, but seeing as St. Remalat is 300 years old, very few people have acquired sainthood in this manner. The second way is to speak to Narconon. Since Narconon is a lonely god, he will talk to anyone who wishes to speak with him, and thus this is the most common method of ataining sainthood. The third and last method of attaining sainthood is to die for The Church of Scatology. Currently the only saint to attain sainthood in this manner is St. Estebe, who drowned during a earthquake that caused a rupture in his scat vault.

The Church of Scatology provides its members with a handy "Table of Saints" card:

Table of Saints

St. Remalat	Is the founder of Scatology.
St. Boudewijn	Has written 154 sonnets about scat.
St. Nebojsa	Is the only German saint.
St. Estebe	Died for The Church.
St. Pétur	Reads "Where The Wild Things Are" too his scat.
St. Sroel	Is sexually attracted to Narconon.
St. Bittor	Once killed a man with scat alone.
St. Lior	Is African.
St. Djordje	Hates mustard.
St. Milan	Has never visited Milan.
St. Mateja	Loves naked rhinos.
St. Samu	Is a chess grand master.
St. Heike	Is a jedi master.

Xenpoo is a lonely god.