User:The Woodburninator/USP
Zombiebaron unsubscribes from UnSignpost delivery; Editors grovels to get him back
3:25 A.M. (Eastern Time), August 23, 2009. In a move that surprised.... well, at least one person, Zombiebaron decided that he was much too good to receive the only #1 Uncyclopedia Newspaper, the Unsignpost. No warning, no nothing. One day we were best buds, laughing it up, me writing articles, he laughing at reading what I wrote. The next day, WHAM! He decides he is sooooo much better than our friendship, and RUINED EVERYTHING! I don't understand why you did this Zombiebaron! Was I not good enough? Did the temporary loss death of Gerrycheevers affect you too much? You want Gerry back, I know it! Well, why don't you just go get him back then?! You don't love me, and you never did. Always, 'Gerry This,' and 'Gerry That.' Well, I'm sitting right here in front of you, trying my best! All this time, I've been writing for you Zombiebaron, and you hit me with this! Sure, I can't be Gerry, but who can? Can't I be good enough for you?
Look Zombiebaron, I just want you back. All will be forgiven. I just want you back. Can't you even give me a reason?! So much history between us, and you go and leave with nothing but an "I just did that." That's low man, low. Look, it's just been hard, you know. Gerry left, said he would work on the post when he could, but he hasn't been around man. And I miss him, and now you too Zombiebaron? I don't know if I can handle the loss of both of you at the same time. Just... give me another week. I'll write funnier! I'll be smarter! I'll actually finish the post on time..... well, maybe not that last one. I'm not a miracle worker man. But I am truthful, and warm, and cuddly. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about? I love you man. Not in the way a man loves a woman, but like a man loves another man. Sexually. Just... just think about it man. I miss you.
New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void
In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post.
UnSignpost Editor Disapears; UnSignpost Suffers Mysterious Drop in Quality
August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy. Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I recon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, hearding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again.
In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arrisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door." Bastard.