User:Sesseth/War of Middle-Earth

Sauron's Headquarters.

The War of Middle-Earth, not to be confused with the War of the Middle-East or The Bush Wars, was a series of battles fought in the land of Middle-Earth, 200 miles north of the Middle of No Where and 50 nautical miles east of God only Knows! The conflict was fought by two sides, the Free People; consisting of humans, elves, dwarfs, hobbits, the 2004 offense line-up of the Dallas Cowboys and six of the nine reindeer that pull Santa's sleigh, and the Dark, Grim but happy with their wages Forces of Sauron; consisting of the Lord of Darkness and inventor of the amazing ShamWow; Sauron, orcs, goblins, uruk-hai, uruk-low, Goth Riders and Sarumon the once White but now more a Murky Shade of White.

The war lasted 3,675,874.78^7 days (most of this consisting of two hobbits taking their sweet ass time to cross the countryside!!) and concluded with the Free People bitch-slapping Sauron into extinction.

Cause

Bill (left) & Ted (right) celebrating winning the Award of Best Historians EVER!!!

Most people are misinformed about the cause of the War of Middle-Earth, believing it be a struggle of power by Sauron after crafting a magical ring and bent on World Domination, this is wrong. The true cause, now known thanks to the brilliant historians Bill & Ted of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, is that thousands of years ago a really dumb human named isalidoricoango or something, stole a ring from Sauron against the advice from his best friend Agent Smith.

This ring was a Graduation present from Sauron's mother; Mary Magdalene. It is said to have contained the force of a round house kick from Chuck Norris. Sauron cried in his room for many millenniums, it was then he came up with the idea for his revenge and hence forth starting the War of Middle-Earth.

Major Battles and Events of the War

1. Frodo trades Betty his cow for a shiny ring at the local markets.
2. The battle of Aragon owning the Goth Riders.
3. Rivendell Horse Race
4. They make a plan.
   

   Boromir states his thoughts and ideas at the Council
5. Sarumon betrays everyone! And his men pillage Rohan.
6. The Battle of Never-Ending Moria Goblins.
7. Balrog gets a From Beyond the Grave kill on Gandalf.
8. Attack at Amon Ren
9. Boromir gets hit by an arrow.
10. Boromir gets hit by another arrow!
11. Boromir gets hit by a third arrow!
12. Boromir FINALLY dies!
13. Some guys on horses ravage some bad guys.
14. 10,000 bad guys attack 300 good guys. (Pretty unfair, don't worry some elves help)
15. Those guys on horses come back and ravage the 10,000. (These guys are pretty fucken good!!)
16. Sauron finally decides to move his men to attack his neighbor; Minas Tirith, his army's population can be calculated with this formula: $</big>P=(34a/(55X45c))+b^{9}</big>$ (where $P$ is the population, $a$ is how pissed off Sauron is, $b$ is number of men the good guys have and $c$ is the value of the Yen)
17. Minas Tirith asks for help from Rohan.
18. King of Rohan says no.
19. Aragon kicks him the balls.
20. Rohan sends all the men they have.
21. Sam and Smeagol have a bitch fight.
22. A really big battle!
23. Frodo chucks the ring into "Liquid Hot Magma" unleashing the fury of a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris! Destroying Sauron and all his men.
24. Every goes for a drink at the local pub, Gimli's shout!!

Legal and Moral Issues

After the war a few remaining orcs and goblins raised a case to the UN of a breach of the laws of war. They believed that Aragon, Gimli and Legolas all had God Mode switched on with the now very publicly known entry code: Right, Up, Square, Up, Circle, Left, R1. Evidence involved Legolas killing a massive elephant thing by himself, Gimli having too many axes for one person to carry and Aragon being just plain gay. The case took 5 weeks to be dealt with and ended with Legolas being sent to prison for animal cruelty, Gimli having his mine reprocessed to pay for bail and Aragon being given a restraining order from Eowyn (that blonde chick he was hitting on in Twin Towers, even though he had a girl!!!)