User:Scofield/UnNews:Don't ask, don't tell repealed in the US

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 December 2010

No need to be shy, officers.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- The U.S. Senate has passed and President Obama has signed a repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." This law has, since 1993, allowed homosexuals to serve in the American military provided they are of the "closet" type. Unfortunately, sex in a closet is uninteresting.

Even with the old law, however, over 13,000 troops were discharged from the military, either because they spilled it, or because of the frustratingly small size of closets in military barracks. Or because of something else entirely; but, to Congress, one anecdote plus a large number is a national emergency.

Advocates for repeal were elated over the vote. "It sure took them long enough! I've been openly gay for years!" said Neil Patrick Harris, known as the deceptively straight Barney Stinson on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother.

"Homosexuals need not keep their poker faces on any more!" said pop sensation Lady Gaga, who is not only openly bisexual, but also has a song dedicated to her bisexuality.

Adam Lambert, a pop sensation discovered on American Idol, expressed his desire to perform for the army, saying "It'll be just like the good old days. Crazy fans screaming and taking their shirts off while watching me rock the stage."

Congressional Republicans, who had opposed the new law, did what they do best: Having been dealt their best hand in November since acquiring the filibuster power in January--they folded. Leadership organized a small, cloak-room meeting where they counseled members that they would eventually become one with Christ, while their opponents would some day learn the real meaning of a hot tryst.

A military officer--strangely, still speaking on condition of anonymity--ventured a prediction of the future. "We can now expect that the 'love that dare not speak its name' will never shut up."

Sources

• Ed O'Keefe "'Don't ask' is repealed in historic vote" The Washington Post, December 19, 2010