User:Rbpolsen/Simtropolis
The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this article and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
“Crooked cops, homicidal Jews, fat ginger blokes, monkeys... I was made for this!”
“I pity the foo' who live here!”
“Omg... WTF IS THIS???”
“HeeYYy waNNA *hick* have *HICK* like... seecks maannn*ICK*”
“Sure, I see why not to take advantage of some drunk canadian!”
“Sacre Bleu!! What ee disCRAZE!”
Simtropolis is considered by far one of the worst cities on planet Earth. [[Image:Banned3j.jpg|right|thumb|250px|The current city council site, where people can get to know their new city. Notice the deconstructovist layout!]]
History[edit | edit source]
Laws[edit | edit source]
Punishments[edit | edit source]
- Being-thrown-into-a-wood-chipper sentence. Person is fined 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,012 dollars, and thrown into a woodchipper. Without this, where could the city get it's mulch??
- The Boobonuclear chair. Passed in -902012 A.D, it has - GOVERMENT OFFICIALS, MOVE ALONG PEOPLE NOTHING TO SEE HERE...
- The NO-sex sentence. Person cannot have sex for 3.284373254325432632610651643563... days. Considered by far the worst. If caught, the Being-thrown-into-a-wood-chipper sentence is enacted.
- Eternal damnation. Because many criminals die before going to trial, the council decided there should be a punishment so even the dead can experience horrible agony. A satanist gang is captured, then forced to do a ritual on the dead person's coffin so they are damned.
- Death-by-Grues.You are thrown into a pit of grues and devoured like cheescake. Seriously, they spray cheesecake wax all over you.
Crime[edit | edit source]
Crooked Cops[edit | edit source]
The city is vastly known for crooked cops. Many beat the living shit out of people for breathing because it is city law that you cannot breathe outside. Attempting to have conversation is also illegal, as the police will kick your ass. Also, the police enjoy blowing up stuff in games, so they call themselves by "Sim1", "Sim4, "Sim6.2", etc.
Homicidal Jews[edit | edit source]
Because the whole city is a slum, Jews commiting hommicide on women, children, Your mom, and you is inveitable! Not to mention the humiliation when one of them makes you choke on a spoon... SPN'D!!
Fat Ginger Blokes[edit | edit source]
Fat and ghey, and being so durable, they will often lie down on train tracks to de-rail trains, or lay down on bridges to make them collapse... Argh! Moutherfoucking Brit's! They always get in the way with their, "colourful" shirts and chubby blouby boudies! I swear they never dou ous any goouud! Nout tou mentioun they're all ginger and houmicidal Jews! ARRRRRRRRRRGGHHHH...
Monkeys[edit | edit source]
In the year 9910148, the coppers were low on cops, so they decided to bring in some ape-shit crazy monkeys, dressed 'em up in uniform, gave 'em guns, and presto! It's aaalllll goooood. But monkeys as policemen? Because the police call them by "Simblue", "Simorange", "Simlimegreen" and so on, the common shout by civilians when shot by a monkey is: THAT MONKEY SIM!!!
“THAT MONKEY SIM!!!”
“Heh heh, you got shot by a monkey”
“I pitty the foo'”
Grues[edit | edit source]
Ever since the Great Spam Flood of 77', Grues have invaded the city and will often devour n00bs, as they are the most delicious since they are from the cleaner outside world. This is why many ID cards (an estimated 50,000) are never registered, fooling the one-person council into thinking there is over 3 bagillion. From this, Grues have actually been able to learn to say "d0nt |_|se fuxing hAx u n00b!" and "PWNED haw haw suxb2!!!!!11"
Other Problems[edit | edit source]
Disasters[edit | edit source]
Great Spam Flood of 77'[edit | edit source]
At the time, Hurricane Pikachu was already pounding down on Simtropolis. Meanwhile, at 7:22 AM, a truck carrying lots of delicious spam, followed by 7 other trucks carrying lots of delicious spam. However, catastrophically, the truck, attemping to turn at 99.99999 degrees suddenly lost it's grip and slammed into a levee, causing gabadaguyapazillions of gallons of water to flow into the city, trapping the Spam. The city (except for Sal's Fruit stand) was immediatly ran over with water, killing hundreds instantly. It was quickly realized that the Spam needed to be rescued! Helicopters and rescue ships were sworn in quickly. Unfortunatly, only two Spams were found, all 70,000 others were lost at sea. One helicopter pilot mourned so awfully he crashed into a building.
Five days later, a recording of speech from the last two minutes before the truck hit the levee was recovered after Hurricane Pikachu passed:
7:21:52 - Truck1 - Yo watch me do a wheelie!!
7:22:01 - Truck1 - OH FUCK!!!
A funural is scheduled to be held for all the Spam that was sadly lost at sea.
Turdcake Quake[edit | edit source]
On Porntober 43rd, 1906, The Incredible Hulk had a sudden horrendous craving for Turdcake with Diarrhea and decided to hold up the local Ssammiches' to get a year's supply (he's a growing boy, you know!), but all went awry when he did a Hulk Smash, unknowing The Ssammiches' was located on a sensitive fault, causing an earth quake that leveled the everything on the west side of the Ssammiches' . Many suspect this was the cause of That Gay City's earthquake. Also another suspected cause from this was a delicious stench that infected the planet and caused mass Shit-Eating Grins. If only the stench could have been actual poooooooooop. Oh well.
Sites of Interest[edit | edit source]
Ssammiches'[edit | edit source]
One of the most popular restraunts in Simtropolis, they serve everything from Poop Cuisine to Shit Sandwiches. Their most famous meals are the Turdcake and the Turdcake Lite.
Condom Condos[edit | edit source]
A 5-star Honeymoon hotel located near Boob Beach. It is rumoured that they are building a Boobonuclear bomb on the top stories, since there is a "NO SEX" sign. Perhaps the only one in the city... as stealing it results in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,012 dollar fine and an instant being-thrown-into-a-wood-chipper sentence.
The Restraunt on the Other Side of the Galaxy[edit | edit source]
They serve the bestest food! The only way to get there though is if an alien abducts you (quite common here) and stops by there... unfortunatly they will probably just order a dish of Fried Bacteria for you, then rape you and turn you into a slave.
SimCopter HQ[edit | edit source]
Wanna go for a ride?
SimSafari[edit | edit source]
Located in the Cocking District Park, they have one of every species ever (this is because it is a division of Godco.)!! Watch dolphins dance, pandas eat, shoot, and leave, elephants have major elephant sex, and lions pwn random weak creatures (possibly you). Make sure that you wear Zoo uniform (a metal suit), as all fences are made out of brownies and tend to break under escape pressure.
Guest Bye[edit | edit source]
They sell eveything from Googleplexes to SimShitty! Don't forget too grab your free****** iPod!
* Participation required
*2 Subscription fee required
*3 Shipping fee required
*4 Tax required
*5 Item price required
*6 Applesauce required