User:Orangutang94/Columbia Pictures
Columbia Pictures, AKA Sony Pictures, apparently,[1] is an all-American film studio, featuring an all-American mascot,[2] that is now owned by Japanese conglomerate Sony as part of Japan's new strategy to brainwash Americans in retaliation for World War II. Bummer for America, small victory for Japan.
Starting off as a tiny underdog studio, Columbia fought nail and tooth the American way and made it big with a handful of hits, but took advantage of the advent of television to really take off, though they couldn't afford rent and had to crash in the basement of another studio. They were then bought by a fucking soda company in the 1980s, before Japan, using all the sweet money America gave them to recover from the war, paid Sony to buy them. Columbia/Sony is now one of the "Big Five" American studios, albeit having sold their soul to those darned Japs to do so. The studio is known for certain film franchises like Men in Black, Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, Adam Sandler movies until 2020 or something, rom coms and chick flicks for dayz, and hit-or-miss Spider-Man movies.[3]
History[edit | edit source]
Scrappy early days[edit | edit source]
The studio was first formed by a bunch of former conmen who happened to be brothers. Needing a surname, they took on the last name "Cohn". The Cohn brothers were so poor that all they had to eat was corned beef and cabbage, and the corned beef only came once a week. Naturally, they named their studio CBC Studios, short for "Corned Beef and Cabbage Studios". The studio also smelled like corned beef and cabbage and were the laughingstock of all of Hollywood due to being stuck in Poverty Row.
Rebrand[edit | edit source]
Having been rejected as a partner by her brothers at Warner Bros., Dot Warner stormed down the street and found the Cohn brothers struggling to make a cent in their "corned beef and cabbage" studio, giving the brothers some good ideas that she had stolen from Warners.
Dot tried to make herself the face of the new studio, but tired of her nagging and bullshit, the Cohn bros found another reject, Lady Columbia, who had been struggling since Uncle Sam dumped her in favor of a blonde, inanimate French immigrant as both his wife and the female mascot of the United States. They signed a deal with Lady C to make her the face of the company instead, and so "Corned Beef and Cabbage Studios" was renamed Columbia Pictures with Lady C as the mascot, though the Cohn brothers, being slightly ignorant and misogynistic, made her pose like Uncle Sam's dumb, blonde, inanimate new wife for the studio logo.
Angry she had been shunned again,[4] Dot threw a hissy fit and stormed off once again. Rumor has it that she changed her name to Rupert Murdoch and bought 20th Century Fox years later.
TV era[edit | edit source]
The newly minted Columbia Pictures produced a small number of raunchy hits featuring the Three Stooges and other stars, and eventually made enough money and clout that Harry Cohn got all the bitches. Harry even got so many bitches that he started treating them a certain way. Unfortunately, Dot, still spiteful over her last failed ventures, told on both the Cohn and Warner brothers, and both Columbia and Warner Bros. were put in timeout for being too raunchy as the new Hollywood Code was implemented.
Struggling to find new sources of income, Columbia had to move in with Warner Bros. and share an apartment. While their roommates kept making movies under Jacko Warner, Columbia discovered TV was a thing and started making shitty soap operas and cartoons under their new "Screen Gems" division. This kept the struggling studio afloat and made quite a lot of money from soap companies paying for their shows, gradually affording them the chance to make better TV shows such as "I Dream of Jennie". Unfortunately, the marketing department for Screen Gems fucked up by making their TV logo the creepy "S from Hell", unintentionally giving their intended audience in children endless nightmares of being kidnapped and raped by that terribly animated and drawn logo and creepy synth music to go along with it.
"Scream Gems", as it would later become known, became so unmarketable due to the "S from Hell" logo that Columbia eventually had to stick their old "Lady C cosplaying as Lady Liberty" logo over it and rename their TV department simply "Columbia Pictures Television". Unfortunately they forgot to change out the creepy music so even their marketable mascot started giving some people nightmares.
Cocaine Coke era[edit | edit source]
Sony era, Part I: SUCCESS[edit | edit source]
Sony era, Part II: What the fuck are they doing??[edit | edit source]
Ideas[edit | edit source]
- Adam Sandler as the mascot lol. Or that can be the secondary logo.
- Be somewhat accurate regarding studio history, but with a comedic twist, and have Dot Warner be involved. Maybe touch on Harry Cohn being a massive dick (pun intended) and pretty much being Harvey Weinstein before Harvey Weinstein
- Hit or miss "All American" studio bought by a soda company, then sold of to the pride of Japan
- Filmography: Raunchy 1920s slapstick movies, 3 stooges, soap operas for dayz, Ghostbusters, crappy rom coms, Gigli, Spider-Man, Adam Sandler, Nicolas Cage, Will Smith, being completely clueless with superhero movies and needing Marvel's help
- The torch lady was originally supposed to be a big part of this article, but I think making a standalone article of Lady Columbia as the US personification would work better, including getting dumped by Uncle Sam for Lady Liberty, then getting a part-time job as the film studio's mascot to support herself.
Side notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Is it Columbia or Sony now? Are they the same thing? They get used so interchangeably I have no idea anymore
- ↑ Albeit a bit outdated
- ↑ Mostly misses without Marvel's direct involvement
- ↑ Seriously, Dot really thought that a short, pouty cartoon character like herself was more marketable than a tall, attractive brunette lady?