The Bogs
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If this sort of humour does not appeal to you, you can always get your fat nationalist ass back to America. |
WHY DO WE KNOW THEIR NAMES?
WHY DO WE KNOW THEIR NAMES?
WHY DO WE KNOW THEIR NAMES?
HE BOUGHT!
DUMP EET!!!
Igor and Grichka Bogdanoff, better known simply as the Bogs, are quite an enigma to us in a few ways. We don’t know their ages, we don’t know anything about their family backgrounds or their childhoods. All our knowledge of them comes from after the age of 79, when they suddenly entered our society via the small screen. Only then did we discover their true identity: these plastic-surgery-mutilated (presumably) French beings, as the 4chan crypto cults have discovered, ARE the “invisible hand” that Adam Smith used to talk about: the consumer has in fact little to do with it.
The Bogs are prophets, they are all-controlling, all-knowing, and all-manipulating. Kim Jong Un, the Rothschilds, the Pope, and the Illuminati all bow to the Bogs.
Enigma No.1: Their name[edit | edit source]
Even the most mysterious things tend to have some sort of name that allows us to know who… or what… we are dealing with: Jack the Ripper, the beast of Gévaudan, the Antichrist, Margaret Thatcher, Stéphane Bern. The Bogs, however, are a notable exception. WHY DO WE KNOW THEIR NAMES?
They are routinely known to change their surname from Bogdanoff to Bogdanov, then back to Bogdanoff, or sometimes Houellebecq when their prophecies are particularly frightening.
The younger of the twins goes even further: he changes his first name from Grichka to Grishka or Michel, then back to Grichka. We do in fact know the TRUE and HONEST identity of both of the Bogs: Experiment 464 and Experiment 464bis, but just for this article we will continue to use the nomenclature adopted by the ISO 9003 committee, Igor and Grichka Bogdanoff.
Their birth (a mere myth)[edit | edit source]
According to the Bogs’ official biography, which contains some blatantly cherry-picked information, the Bogdanoffs were born on August 29, 1949, in Saint-Lary, Gers, southwestern France. They claim dual Russian and Austrian ancestry, a mark of incredible cynicism at the end of the Second World War. They thus display themselves almost openly as the spiritual sons of both Stalin and Hitler, that is to say the new guardians of the Axis of Evil. Throughout their life, the would manifest this display in their continued meddling with physics papers, sockpuppet army used for online defense, and alleged manipulation of the entire cryptocurrency market with few words other than “HE BOUGHT? DUMP IT.” and “HE SOLD? PUMP IT”.
The date of August 29, 1949 was obviously not chosen at random. It preceded the arrival of television in their home country of France by a few weeks. And without television, it was impossible to have reliable information and therefore to verify the veracity of the data concerning their birth.
Creation of the Bogs[edit | edit source]
In fact, Bogdanoffs’ story goes back well before the end of World War II. The Bogs are, in fact, (as the 4chan crypto nerds have informed us,) primal spirits that originated as manifestations of greed at the dawn of time. They were given bodies by the Icelandic sculptor-roboticist, Bjornungar Gudsmundottir (1824-1900). Whilst working on an adaptation of Pinocchio based on wax puppets, he did more than merely draw inspiration from Carlo Collodi’s famous tale: he attempted to bring his creation to life. While the smallest microprocessors of the time weighed 7 tons, Gudsmundottir succeeded by summoning the Bogs using an ancient Anasazi ritual and trapping them within his two bio-mechanical waxen bodies, thus bringing the brothers to life. (The third and fourth designer babies will likely be Bogdababies as well.)
Once his puppet was created, he named it IGOR, which in medieval Icelandic means Ingertrugt Gudsmundottir Operungrusaar Robot, (English: “Wax Robot created by Gudsmundottir.) (Despite his creative genius envied by many, Bjornungar had little imagination when it came to naming his inventions.) For his own safety, Gudsmundottir created a replica of IGOR, which he called GRICHKA or "The One Who Comes After".
The Bogs gain autonomy[edit | edit source]
And Gudsmundottir did all this at the very dawn of the 20th century- a period that has been poetically named the year 1900. But a problem soon arose for Gudsmundottir. How can he justify the existence of these two individuals in his home at a time when sex tourism is only in its infancy? Gudsmundottir was never able to answer this question, for the following reason:
The Bogs, newly given bodies, a quickly became angry. The two beings killed their creator like Frankenstein, by turning him into a fucking lamp, which you can still find in Reykjavik today. For years nobody knew why the Bogs did this, but as soon as they rose to power and became gods, the reason for their actions has become obvious: they could never ascend if they stayed under Gudsmundottir’s control.
Escape from Iceland[edit | edit source]
To escape the police, Igor and Grichka hastily fled to nearby Reykjanesbær, where they boarded a boat. Unfortunately, this boat was a mere a fishing boat that made simple round trips, making the Bogs feel as if they were on a roundabout surrounded by a constant supply of fresh herring.
A few days later, luck smiled upon the Bogs (as it always does.) A cruiser from the navy of Tsar Nicholas II of Russia stopped in Reykjanesbær to replace a universal joint. The Bogs, fucking ninjas as they are, held on to the ship’s stern while they got a free ride to St. Petersburg, completely undetected by any of the laughable Russian navy.
Without money, Igor and Grichka are reduced to walking the streets to support themselves. Success is immediate, many Russians are rather seduced by the idea of trying a homosexual experience with twins. It was at this time that they chose a surname. Not knowing a word of Russian, they were intrigued by passers-by who constantly said the following phrase to them:
BOG DANOFF! BOG DANOFF! BOG DANOFF! BOG DANOFF!
It was only later that they learned the meaning of this expression: “How much is it?”.
Arrival in France[edit | edit source]
Having become incredibly rich from gay orgies long before the invention of cryptocurrency, the Bogs decided to take a change of scenery. It was now 1905, and the Bogs had recently encountered Sacha Guitry, a famous French actor and author who just happened to have been born in St. Petersburg.
Guitry brought them back with him to France, and the Bogdanoffs quickly became the darlings of all of Paris. However, they went under the moniker of Pipo and Mario to avoid the Icelandic interpol. In Paris did Igor and Grichka begin a tour of fairs and circuses, where they fell in love with the bearded woman and THE STRONGEST. MAN. IN THE WOOOOOOOORLD.
The Bog Hunt[edit | edit source]
For about 15 years, everything went well for the Bogs, but in the early 1920s, an inspector from the Reykjanesbær crime squad, Tornswald Gudsmundottir, began to track them down. He had heard about Igor and Grichka through the daily newspaper, the Reykjavikien Libéré, following a report on fairground phenomena around the world. He apparently made the connection between the faces of the two individuals and the expanded polystyrene molds found in the workshop of their creator (1824-1900).
But he arrived too late. Warned by the French Minister of the Interior himself, Vladimir Sarkozy, a fan from the very beginning and also from Russia, Igor and Grichka Bogdanoff managed to escape, being fucking space ninjas after all, leaving all their possessions behind in France. North Africa, Costa Rica, Dubai, Sumatra, Brie-Comte-Robert… the Bogs went from continent to continent to escape the sagacity of Inspector Gudsmundottir, who later ended up dying in Adélie Land, about eleven feet from the igloo in which Igor and Grichka had taken refuge. Gudsmundottir’s autopsy would later reveal that he died following an allergic reaction resulting from the consumption of a penguin that was not fresh.
A few years of peace[edit | edit source]
For the Bogs, this stay in Antarctica was liberation, but they could not stay there for too long. They soon grew sick of the cold, so they ended up returning to France- to Paris, since they were no longer so eager for publicity, but to a shithole town called Gers, located in the commune of Saint-Lary, where they have since claimed to have been born. It was then 1941 and thanks to their knowledge of Putin's language, the Bogs- constantly crawling out of one identity and into another- easily passed themselves off as Russian political refugees who had fled the Soviet regime then in place.
There, in the village of Gers, did they set up a small business importing and exporting ceramic lamp bases: in this way they could torture their creator Gudsmundottir despite the fact that he was in heaven (Do remember that Gudsmundottir died from being transformed into a lamp base.) Business boomed, and the Bogs made loads of money, but in 1949, they saw something new that caught their eyes: television.
The Bogs Take Over TV[edit | edit source]
Although the Bogdanoffs preferred to put a certain distance between themselves and the Parisian intelligentsia, they love themselves some power of the world- why else would they have become gods? So they trained to become gods. For 30 years, they studied all the sciences known to man in order to find the best way to infiltrate this new media that will certainly assure them fame, fortune, and divine powers. Physics, chemistry, mathematics, philosophy, civics, gym, ... even at advanced levels all of those are like the toys of little children to the Bogs.
In 1978, they combined 53 thesis subjects obtained with honors and the congratulations of the jury, 119 master's degrees in various subjects (including feces) and every single bachelor’s degree including professional.
The Bogs gain recognition[edit | edit source]
In 1979, it was finally the consecration. André Malraux, then head of youth programs at the French TV network TF1, entrusted the Bogdanoffs with the access prime-time slot from Monday to Friday. They created, produced and presented Temps X, a rather innovative cooking show during which, in asbestos suits, they did not hesitate to enter the oven themselves to observe the cooking process up close. (Being equal parts men, machines and allpowerful crypto deities, of course they could get in the oven.)
This was followed in no particular order and on several channels by Projet X, Lettre X, Aster X, A+B=X, le Juste Pri X and finally at the dawn of the 1990s Film X on Canal+ every first Saturday of the month at midnight.
The problems begin[edit | edit source]
By the '90s, the Bogdanoffs were living in the best of all possible worlds, in part due to the fact that they can manipulate time. Their struggle against Icelandic law enforcement was by then nothing more than a distant memory. The Bogdanoffs are idolized, presented as new messiahs AND gods. At this time did they begin a religion known as Boggism, which has amassed over a million followers as of 2024. They then, without warning, their past catches up with them.
The wax in which they were conceived wouldn't be stable forever. At the dawn of the 21st century, the Bogdanoffs felt the first signs of sagging. To save themselves, the Bogs sought the help of the official sculptor of the Grévin museum.
The sculptor declined, saying that would struggle to fix up the sagging Bogs without hurting them. What a fool that old sculptor was, though, you think that practically immortal (yet decaying) beings could feel pain? So the Bogs fixed their own bodies- it was easier than they thought it would be… the Bogs can do basically anything, after all.
Introduction to the cryptocurrency market[edit | edit source]
The Bogdanoffs encountered Satoshi Nakamoto, creator of Bitcoin, in the year 2010. Nakamoto told the brothers of his fledgling invention, which the Bogs considered a scam. A few years later, as the pair started to see various copycat "coins" show up all over the place, the Bigs used their secret stash of endless wealth to purchase 99% of all existing cryptocurrencies, as well as mining tons upon tons more. They caused power outages all over France by mining and mining and mining.
Wealth and power corrupts- and like Star Wars Sith Lords, the Bogdanoffs' faces were altered by their gaining of power: their lips and chins grew so large that they began to look just like the aliens that they once talked about in their shows. The Bogs then went to check their to-do list for becoming fully-fledged gods:
- Immortality: check!
- All-powerfulness: check!
- Unlimited wealth: check!
- Unlimited strength and knowledge: check!
- Tons of worshippers: check! (The Boggists)
There was only one individual that still stood in the way of the Bogs, and it wasn’t the God, it was…
SMINEM.
Battle against Sminem[edit | edit source]
Sminem — some random Russian kid and the one being that stands in the way the Bogdanoffs' evil plans — has been constantly attempting to dox the brothers, but, due to the fifteen layers of VPNs that their residence lies underneath, he has been unsuccessful. Whenever the Bogdanoffs try to ruin a cryptobro’s life by DUMPING EET, Sminem attempts to PUMP EET, and vice versa.
The Boggist Cult[edit | edit source]
The Bogs are, of course, worshipped by the Boggists. Boggists believe that the Bogs, being in contact with aliens and capable of succeeding at literally anything, including controlling the entire world’s economy, will one day lead us into a brand new era of prosperity.
Deep in a far-off future where the whole world is trapped inside a massive, ever-expanding bunker, we find the Boggist Cult alive and well, while the Bogs slumber in the dark tunnels, sending dreams to everyone above, telling every inhabitant of the bunker that the pair must be freed, and that the supercomputer which governs all things that dwell in the bunker must be destroyed.
The Bogdanoffs and eternity[edit | edit source]
But this scientific-literary work is only a facade. In secret the Bogdanoffs work on another, much more ambitious project, and they likely have been doing so for much longer than we think. After visiting Bjornungar Gudsmundottir’s (1824-1900) workshop, they obtained all sorts diagrams, assemblies, molds and chemical formulas that were used for such project.
We are only beginning to understand their intentions. One project that we do know of is as follows: the Bogs want to duplicate themselves infinitely to continue to occupy the land, until the Earth is filled with nothing but billions of plastic Igors and Grichkas- as if they hadn’t already conveted themselves to plastic anyway. While the original Bogs perished in 2021, their clones shall live on. But now that you know their true intention, you know what you must do... does anyone have a really big flamethrower? Like, one that can melt plastic in seconds?
What, nobody does? If I can’t fight the Bogs, then perhaps I should embrace them.
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