User:Not A Good Username360/Falling Weights
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“Pull the lever, and watch the show.”
Falling weights are professionally-used educational tools, used mainly for implementing facts striaght to the brain. While extremely effective, the rather sudden and potentially harmful (approximately 1 in 12,743,594 people have experienced slight head trauma post-drop) operation has met extreme prejudice with the medical and pychological community, thus leading to mass-infamy and racism towards most weights created for this purpose. However, the process in itself is entirely safe. Honestly. If you don't beleive me, step on that red "X" over there and see for yourself how safe this operation is! Now, come on, don't be a chicken! You really think your so-called "common sense" is more reliable than me? Well, fine! Be a cowardly racist, see if I care!
History[edit | edit source]
The benefits of falling weights were first discovered in 1825 by Welsh professor Quaj Bock, when he was studying the brain's relationship to the [[skull]. He discovered that if the brain comes into direct contact with the skull, a neuro-charge is sent through to the brain, thus making it up to twenty times more alert and interperative than normal, speeding up brainwaves and raising a person's IQ 25 points.
In case you didn't understand all that for whatever reason, here's a summary of his report: When you hit your head so hard that your brain and skull touch, you brain goes on steroids.
He tried many ways of causing safe trauma, but apparantly when you club someone on the head with a lead pipe and/or baseball bat, they die. And the police get mad. Eventually, the Professor grew slightly aggravated, and threw a large object from his 20-storey aparment window, and landed on a nearby pedestrian's head. Fortunately, the man survived, and later said his "mind had opened up" and he "could feel intelligence oozing out of <his> head". Thus, the professor had accidently proved his theory.
Treatments[edit | edit source]
At the turn of the 20th century, falling weights were being implemented in numerous institutes of phychology as a miracle cure for innumerable brain disorders, as faulty brain cells were instantly killed on impact (along with functional ones, but that's besides the point).
The earliest model used commercially was simply a cardboard box filled with cast-iron ball-bearings labeled with the total weight to let doctors know if said box was fatal (which later proved to be irrelevent to the effectiveness of treatment, but is still noted today as a courtesy to the patient). The box would then be suspended from a height of approximatly 20 feet, then let go while the patient was underneath.
The cardboard box model later was abandoned, due to several lawsuits over the box tearing in midair, and thus damaging the floor and not the patient.
After several years of failing models (such as anvils, bank safes, and cinder blocks) one technician attached a rope to an anchor shaped like modern falling weights, then proceeded to drop it on a sailor who owed him $20. The resulting intelect displayed by said sailor lead to the design of the modern falling weight.
