User:NoNamesLeft/Pinocchio
Pinocchio is a lederhosen-wearing marionette who walks, talks, and laughs like a donkey. He spends his time with fairies, crickets, and creepy old men, and enjoys long walks on the beach (as long as there are no giant whales present). He's into sex only if there's no strings attached. His lifelong goal is to "keep it real" by becoming a real gangsta and porn star, although to date he has had better success at simply being a jackass.
The Gift of Life[edit | edit source]
Pinocchio began his Life as a near-rape victim to an old, perverted woodcarver in an unnamed Italian suburb sometime in the mid-1800's. The woodcarver, a bachelor named Geppetto, had no way to relieve his sexual tensions since blow-up love dolls had yet to be invented. For this reason, Geppetto carved a young male marionette named "Pinocchio" to serve as his love puppet. When Geppetto tried to sodomize the puppet, however, he could not become aroused as he considered the puppet's performance to be too "wooden." Geppetto therefor made a wish on his soft member that the puppet would become a real boy. Long after Geppetto had drank himself into a stupor that night, a gay fairy appeared and granted Geppetto's wish, bringing the puppet to life.
The fairy was an amateur, however, and made a major mistake: although brought to life, Pinocchio remained a puppet with no orifices or genitalia. This caused major problems because - as mentioned above - Pinocchio was intended to serve as a love doll. As an afterthought, the fairy tried to solve the problem by making it so that Pinocchio's nose would grow in size whenever Pinocchio became excited, just like a penis. The fairy then tried to cover up the shame inherent in Pinocchio's "birth" by telling Pinocchio that if he ever wanted to become a "real" boy of flesh and blood, he would have to prove himself to be brave, truthful and unselfish. Pinocchio recognized this for the bullshit that it was, and told the fairy to "fuck off."
Instead, Pinocchio promptly decided he would "keep it real" his own way by joining a gang and engaging in pornographic performances. The fairy did not argue with Pinocchio, but instead provided him with an annoying cricket named "Jiminy" to nag Pinocchio about his misbegotten lifestyle at all hours of the day and night.
Geppetto Kicks Pinocchio to the Curb[edit | edit source]
When Geppetto awoke the next morning, he saw the Pinocchio had come to life and therefore tried to rape him. Pinocchio refused to be molested, however, and bit Geppetto's male member off. In a fit of rage, Geppetto kicked Pinocchio out of the house and on to the street. There, Pinocchio met a pair of pimps who happened to be a fox and a cat. They convinced Pinocchio to join a brothel run by Miss Stromboli, a bossy Madame. Pinocchio became Stromboli's star whore, but when Pinocchio decided he wasn't getting paid enough of a cut per customer, Stromboli locked Pinocchio in a crawlspace with a leather-bound gimp to stop him from leaving. Luckily for Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket had followed him into the whorehouse and was able to sneak into the the gimp's crawlspace and open the lock, freeing Pinocchio from his sexual servitude.
Pinocchio Goes to Fucks Up Big Time and Goes to Pleasure Island[edit | edit source]
During Pinocchio's captivity, the pimp cat and fox met with a Voodoo Priest at a Red Lobster restaurant to talk business. The Voodoo Priest explained that he was seeking foolish boys to dupe into going to . Honest John worries that the police will intervene and the Coachman says that there's no risk, and implies that the boys do not ever come back as humans.
Pinocchio is determined to , but on his way back to Geppetto's house, Pinocchio is once again led astray by Honest John and Gideon, who convince him to go to Pleasure Island. On his way he befriends Lampwick, a misbehaved and destructive boy. Then Jiminy discovers the island has a curse that transforms boys who "make jackasses of themselves" into real donkeys, who are then sold to work in the salt mines and circuses as part of an evil racket run by The Coachman. While playing pool with each other, Lampwick is soon transformed into a donkey, and Pinocchio gains donkey ears and a tail, but is able to stop the full force of the curse by escaping from Pleasure Island with Jiminy.
Pinocchio Goes to East L.A. and Becomes Involved in Gang Violence and Porn[edit | edit source]
Pinocchio Takes an Ill-Fated Ocean Cruise[edit | edit source]
Upon returning home, they find the workshop empty and soon learn from a letter by the Gay Fairy that Geppetto, while venturing out to sea to rescue Pinocchio from Pleasure Island, had been swallowed by a giant whale named Monstro. Determined to rescue his father, Pinocchio jumps into the bottom of the ocean, with Jiminy accompanying him. However, Pinocchio is soon found and eaten by Monstro, where he is reunited with Geppetto and his pets inside the whale. Pinocchio devises an escape plan by burning wood in order to make Monstro sneeze. The plan works, but the enraged whale gives chase. During the chase, Pinocchio sacrifices his life to save his father while Monstro is presumably killed when he crashes against a cliff. As Geppetto, Jiminy and the pets mourn Pinocchio's battered wooden-body, the Blue Fairy decides that Pinocchio has proven himself unselfish and thus fulfills her promise to turn him into a real boy, bringing him back to life, much to the joy of Geppetto and Jiminy. The film concludes with Jiminy saying a heartfelt thank you to the wishing star that is the Blue Fairy and is rewarded with a gold badge that reads "Official Conscience".
