User:Methamphetamineman/Weird people
Weird people are a strange species of higher order primates most closely related to the Sumatran orangutang. Their common genetic ancestor diverged around 200-300 years ago somewhere in southeast Asia. They have an estimated world population of 20 billion people, and rapidly increasing. Weird people are easily recognizable from other animals by their strange quirks and disabilities, which can range from a simple speech impediment to having 7 fingers. Often times, they are also mentally estranged, having a horrible sense of humor, using words such as "skibidi" and often referencing the mythical nonexistent land of Ohio. Under the circumstances that you encounter one of these specimens in the wild, it is advised to try to beat the ever-living shit out of them in self defense, as they are usually weaker than you. In the event that they are not weaker than you, simply ignore them as much as possible. Due to their tendency to make people feel bad for them instead of pointing out their obvious flaws, they are generally allowed into human society, sadly.
History[edit | edit source]
The presence of weird people on our planet dates back to the year 8046, where a clerical record from the great Hwan Empire states written by a Jedi warrior that a visible disturbance in the force had occurred that day, and that a great rapture will occur on 9/11/2001. According to some genius somewhere this somehow proves that Weird People were summoned by the Jackie Chan forces form another dimension and have since been annoying us with their presence. Other accounts claim that they were created by the Soviet Union as a super soldier that would destroy western society from the inside through mass suicides due to their horrible sense of humor.
Range and habitat[edit | edit source]
The most common place to find weird people is at uncomfortable social gatherings, such as at school in the break room, on the bus sitting next to you breathing in your ear, or at the next Ku Klux Klan Konference. In particular, they almost always appear specifically when you do not want them to. During the 1840's Weird people were subject to massive poaching by British explorers for their hide. In the journal of Baily the Bollocks, a renowned British adventurer, he describes Weird People as "a horrible vermin that infests society and must be exterminated". This account is obviously extremely accurate, and paints a good picture of weird people everywhere. The place that is most renowned for it's population of weird people is Dinosaur Island, otherwise known as Australia, where the population of weird people has gotten out of control, and in some areas surpasses the population of normal people, likely due to Vegemite consumption. Other places with a notably high F.Y. (Fucking Yankee) index include:
Notable weird people[edit | edit source]
That kid in my class[edit | edit source]
That kid in my class is easily the weirdest person I've ever met. I mean, where do I even start? The man isn't even human. The way he sounds just makes me want to punch him in the face again and again and destroy his entire genetic lineage slowly and painfully, and make him watch as everyone he loves suffers and dies, to see his impact on the world vanish completely, and to face the horror of eternal darkness in the pits of Hell. That would be of course, payback for the time he called me a "prankster gangster", that nefarious bastard. Plus, just look at him. That devious grin, those dastardly eyes, clearly, the man deserves no less than the worst this world can offer. But at least he is a pretty good photographer.
His address is New York City 311, 250 73 Sesame Street in case you would like to visit him and negotiate terms of punishment.
That guy I saw the other day[edit | edit source]
The other day I saw some dude on the street take out a piece of gum and start chewing it, and then take it out again, roll it in his fingers, and put it back in! And on top of that, he started smoking a blunt while chewing the gum at the same time! That's disgusting, you can't do that! But it gets worse, because about a minute later he took the gum and the blunt back out, which were grey and glued together, and put them in his pocket to save for later! And then he went up to me and asked me for bus change! Now at this point, my fight-or-flight responses kicked in, and I took out my handy flamethrower that I carry on myself and torched the beast before promptly running away. Truly the weirdest man of all time.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
Weird people have always been a very polarising topic. Some smart people think that they should all be exterminated, while other whiny crybabies say that they deserve things like "Basic Human Rights" and that they "Deserve to not be hunted like animals". But the most controversial event to ever happen regarding weird people was the Bite of 87'. On June 32nd 1887, when the Globglogabgalab nibbled on Sir Shitesalot's pinkie toe. The public backlash to this was so catastrophic that entire nations crumbled, the west collapsed and billions must've died. This was later parodied in many books movies and shows, most notably in the major motion picture The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence. It is disputed whether Weird People had anything to do with the bite of 87' whatsoever, with many conspiracies claiming that it was just a ruse set up by the Chuckle Society. These baseless accusations are probably true. Another controversy surrounding Weird People spawned in 1943, when some unskilled painter named Adolf or something like that decided to misplace a few Jews accidentally. While there are people that will tell you that the situation was much more serious, these people are just trolling. Everyone with at least half a brain cell knows that it was just a minor mistake, nothing worth talking about. For ten thousand years afterward, all was well. Then, all of a sudden, on September 9th, 2001, a Weird Person uttered the words, "skibidi sigma ohio gyatt". This event was known as The Rapture, and legend says God wept that day. This event stared a chain reaction of events that would destroy the entire world as more and more fell to the Weird People Union. Luckily, there was one last hope. The only few remaining normal people guild rose form the ashes of the earth and challenged the mighty Weird People in an all-out thumb war to the death that lasted one Morbillion years, and led to the creation of the modern day school system.
Practical uses[edit | edit source]
One of the most popular uses for Weird People is in cooking. Their meat is very tender and goes well in many stews, while their skin is chewy yet deliciously sweet and often served to children. Their horns are also extremely valuable for making potions and sell on the black market for upwards of 10000000 dollars. Some of the most famous recipes that include weird people in some fashion are:
- Soylent Green
- Yakokrnoskalinhoraklegjovytch soup
- Happy meals
- Mystery meat
- Gamer supplements
- Crystal meth
- Prime
Weird people are also very fashionable to wear as clothing, and garments made out of their hide are highly sought after and make up over 169 percent of the GDP of Dinosaur island. While they are extremely useful, they are also equally hard to catch, butcher and cook. Even after being skinned and chopped they continue to live. This is because of their core belief that "dying is gay". The meat must then be exorcised for proper consumption, although some low quality stores will attempt to sell you still living meat. The exorcising ritual requires one live sheep, two thousand bottles of baby oil, the blood of a virgin and takes twenty weeks to complete. Only afterwards is the meat safe for consumption.