User:MacMania/The next version
| The next version | |
|---|---|
 The next version of the product emanates a most divine glow. | |
| Preview release: | Once in a while |
| Stable release: | Anyday now |
| Predecessor: | Doing just fine |
| Successor: | A few millennia away |
The next version (codename Fiery Frozen Yoghurt) is the latest major release of the product by its developers and engineers. With highly unstable iterations slowly leaking and trickling out to the media directly and indirectly, it is tentatively scheduled for release in October 2025, definitely scheduled for release in April 2026, and absolutely scheduled for release in January 2027 and this time we're sure.
Development history[edit | edit source]
The next version was first announced at the 2021 Developers Expo. An extremely early developer preview version was handed out to those in attendance and leaked to the Internet within hours, before the internet realised within a few more hours that the alpha was completely unusable junk.
Core foundation components of the next version were laid down within a year; however, the development process was bogged down for several years due to various happenings, including: abrupt firings of various senior members; abrupt re-hirings of various senior members; the marketing team's various attempts to not make the next version's name sound boring; and a junior member of the team spilling coffee over the development machines, causing total loss of all coding work thus far, thereby forcing a development reset.
Features[edit | edit source]
Faster performance[edit | edit source]
The development team spent years trying to squeeze every last bit of performance they could out of the software code. Finding that they couldn't, they instead spent a few months rigging the benchmarks. The most recent tests thus show that the next version is approximately seven million and six hundred and eighty thousand times faster than the current one.
In addition, setup, shutdown and start times are drastically improved. Whereas previous setups have taken over an hour to finish, the next version will take only seven minutes, which is barely under an hour in real-world minutes. Shutdown, however, is instantaneous, provided that the user takes advantage of the Go Ahead, Smash It Against a Wall™ feature.
Increased security[edit | edit source]
Various measures have been introduced for the next version to ensure a more secure environment, especially in the face of a harsher web. In particular, the Go Ahead, Smash It Against a Wall™ feature also ensures that anyone attempting to access information on the next version illicitly will have a very hard time attempting to do so, as will anyone attempting to access information legitimately.
The next version will also incorporate the Chip and PIN security method. After the next version processes personal information such as credit card numbers, mobile phone numbers, date of birth, mother's maiden name, and pounds of steak and kidney pie eaten per day, the user will automatically be provided with a giant pin with which he may impale the chipset powering the next version. This will block further attempts at illegitimate access to this information and more.
Friendlier user interface[edit | edit source]
The next version has simplified everything for the user, which means that the initial screen has practically nothing and the user has to click through a few dozen more icons to get to something to which said user could get in a few clicks in the current version. However, the fact remains that the initial screen has practically nothing and is therefore simpler.
In addition, every aspect of the interface is now shinier, which never fails to literally dazzle the user. The brightness of everything has been increased to such a degree that the user will likely go blind from the light after a few minutes, this only an interim in the path to enlightenment and becoming a customer enslaved to the whims of the company.
Overall betterness[edit | edit source]
Many other factors contribute to the generally newer and improved state of the next version. For instance, the release date of the next version is in the future, in stark contrast to the release date of the current version. The wallpapers have also been updated from blue to purple.
In total, 242 new features have been added to the next version, including Sanskrit voice recognition, a revamped interpreter for FORTRAN, a screen saver displaying a completely black screen (to "lessen environmental impact"), support for Lotus 1-2-3, the fonts "Comic Sans Serif" and "Hobo Symbols", and the ability to run the next version simultaneously with the current version, of which you just rid yourself to get the next version.
Marketing[edit | edit source]
The marketing campaign for the next version has already started, despite the next version's actual release being years and possibly decades away. Adverts target both people who hate the current version and people who love the current version. Part of the campaign is largely built around the fact that it will supersede the current version and make it obsolete in every single possible manner, including the fonts. In fact, the campaign, instead of using Helvetica as did the campaign for the current version, actually uses Neue Helvetica, signalling a radical shift for the company.
To people who hate the current version, the company make the pitch that the next version would fix everything that was wrong with the current version. While this was the pitch made about the current version and the one before that and the one before that, the general public are asked to believe the statement for the reason that this time the company really mean it.
Advance reception[edit | edit source]
Advance reception for the next version has been largely positive, as excerpts below from various sources show.
| “ | The next version has everything that the current version was missing. Unfortunately, the developers don't seem to realise that this means the current version should probably have had these things in the first place. Then again, how else could they backhandedly rake in massive profits? | ” |
| “ | It's not Apple, is it? UPDATE: I have just been informed that Apple was involved in the next version's production, so I will instead say that this is the best computer product of the decade. |
” |
| “ | Aside from the minor flaw that it will occasionally blow up in my face, it is absolutely perfect. 5 out of 5. | ” |
| “ | The next version is actually pretty awful running on my current computer. But on the $4200 gaming rig generously provided courtesy of the next version's manufacturer, it works like a charm. As a result, I have no choice but to give it 6 stars out of 5 and ask everyone to buy new computers, while I play with my new toy. | ” |