User:MK/Hinge

Hinge is a "popular" dating app wherein the dregs of society (you) attempt to mingle with the rest of the world via pickup lines, finely crafted profiles, and groveling in front of girls/guys just to get their attention. It's Tinder in essence, except you are forced to think more about it when you choose a target, and generally have to write an entire paragraph about a prompt or image in hopes that you will get a response (you will not).

Hinge is also that one app that although it promises it was "meant to be deleted" you have reinstalled at least 7 times just last month in fits of rage over still being single in your mid 20s.

The Hinge Experience

Locating a Target

Hinge allows you to cast a rather wide net into the sea, enabling you to pull a wide variety of people to peruse. Unfortunately, in its infinite wisdom, you are only granted 10 "likes" per day to use. The idea behind this is that you will more carefully choose who you like versus Tinder where you just swipe right maniacally like you're trying to get a smear off your phone screen. Targets that should be avoided are people who can barely spell, people with fucking Snapchat filters on their fucking dating profile, maxime magna cete, and people with links to Instagram/Snapchat/OnlyFans. Note that if you are sub 6ft, you will immediately be removed from a majority of profiles and banished to Hinge-for-Midgets.

Initiating Contact

After locating a fetching specimen you wouldn't mind observing from across or under a dinner table, you must then try to get their attention. If you are a guy, you must carefully study their bio, all their profile images, and then somehow piece together a pickup line worth of being voiced by a deity. If you are a girl, simply "like" a guy's photo, (or heck, just exist), and let them come crawling to you. Using slurs has potential, but mostly to get you blocked. Being forwardly sexual is also likely to get you blocked. The only way that is certified to work is to somehow bring up how you would "bark" for them. Calling them a good girl/good boy is a bona fide way of getting some conversation out of them as well. Now that I think about it, the secret is to like a dog, have a dog, or be a dog. DOGS ARE THE ANSWER!

Acquire Contact Information

Now that you have somehow managed to actually start chatting with someone, you need a way to get them off of the app so you can, of course, delete it. You have several options: their number, Insta, Snap, or Whatsapp. Getting their number is a safe bet, but some are not willing to part with it due to fears of it being handed off to the Mormon Church to be used as a collect number. Getting their Insta is a surefire way to become a +1 follower on their page with no follow back. Getting their Snap indicates that one of you is still probably a child (mentally). Finally acquiring Whatsapp most definitely means they are a scammer based in the Philippines who will very shortly blackmail all your friends with AI generated dick pics.

The Talking Phase

Boring as hell and every second that goes by you lose about 1% interest in each other. It is essential you skip this phase and go straight to a date.

The Date

Well well well, lucky you! You somehow managed to pass through the 7 rings of hell, and made it to the date. Now, if you aren't ghosted or given a hilariously fake reason for why they suddenly can't show up, you will soon meet the person you've (hopefully) come to like. Once she arrives, make sure to hand her the flower(s) you brought (you DID bring flowers, right????), and then make sure to pronounce her name correctly as well. If you are a girl, just show up to the date, it is the guy's problem to make sure it all works. Make sure to mispronounce his name- guys think its really funny. Do not mention memes or brainrot, and make SURE not to speak a word about sex, or else you will never get it (if that's what you're looking for).

How to Find Types

Latinas

Set filters to Religion- Catholic, Height- >5', and that's really about it. Set hometown to Brownsville, TX.

ABGs

Ensure you mention that you enjoy EDM or raves, boba, and matcha. Set your hometown to be San Francisco, CA.

Whities

Be black.

Black 'Queens'

Be 6' or above, have a photo with a sports car, and talk about food.

MILFs

If I knew, I wouldn't tell you!

"Meant to Be Deleted"

Yeah and then reinstalled 3 days later. Didn't mention that part, did you Hinge?

See Also

• Dating
• Dating Apps
• Misery
• HowTo:Get Girls