User:Kippy/UnNews:Paul Simon ate Paul McCartney

ONTARIO, Canada -- A musical charity event for the gay whales in Darfur went horribly wrong Saturday night when Paul Simon of Simon and Garfunkel ate Sir Paul McCartney. You read that correctly. Simon ate McCartney.

The iconic Beatle was on stage performing when he was suddenly interrupted by darts whizzing by his head. Confused, he looked to his side where the darts were originating, only to see Paul Simon behind curtain with a crossbow. Before he could react, one landed in his jugular, tranquilizing him if not outright killing him. Grabbing his neck, McCartney's eyes rolled into his head and he collapsed right there on stage, creating a panic among the crowd.

It was at this point a clearly intoxicated Paul Simon jumped out and started gnawing on McCartney's arm like a savage. By the time the police arrived, Simon had already eaten through McCartney's arms, thighs and face and was working on the torso. Still hungry and realizing he was about to be taken into custody, Simon unhinged his jaw like a snake and consumed the rest of Paul McCartney's body entirely.

One witness named Joan Derpy was slammed retarded from the sheer horror of what she saw, describing it in incoherent jibberish.

“ Is coming out of Paul Simon same McCartney dead dead!!! ”

Sources

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.