UnNews:Paul Simon admits killing Tupac in open court

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 December 2006
CAPETOWN, South Africa -- Fans of Rap, as well as fans of Music, were shocked today when songcrafting master Paul Simon announced to the world that on September 7th, 1996, he murdered rap legend Parish Lesane Crooks. Also known as Pac, (pronounced pahk) or 2Pac, (pronounced too-pahk), Tupac "Makaveli" Shakur was considered to be the most talented rap lyricist of all time. His career spanned 14 albums, 8 of which were released after his murder. His sales toppled those of nearly all rap artists of this generation, living or dead.

Not many gangstas' can say they've survived the "Simon stare."

Testifying in Balducci Superior Court, in front of a predominantly white jury, Paul Simon admitted to the crime and produced the weapon used to kill the legend. Facing either Death Row (ironically the same name shared by Death Row Records, one of Tupacs ex-prison record deals), or life in prison, he chose the latter. While a Max Security prison is generally recommended for murderers, the judge decided that, since Paul Simon was a late-middle aged, boyish-looking songwriter standing 5 feet tall, the local penitentiary would do just fine. He's scheduled for a plea bargain next week that will decide whether he's allowed to sing in prison outside of the shower, and whether or not he can carry his guitar in, which depends on whether or not they deem Paul Simon wielding an acoustic guitar to be deadly.

It stands to be judged by our higher power what caused Paul Simon to say what was said today. The most likely explanation is the apparent guilt, and the constant pressure by the black community to confess. Because they knew the truth.

Rapper Chameleonairre has nothing but respect for the Pac. "A great man. Hell yeah. Great man. Those damn crooks you know. They see him rollin, they hatin'. And before he knew it, he was ridin' dirty with the wrong gangs. Shameful as hell man. Shit. Man thats shits all wrong. Sheeeeeiiiit."

Lil' John appeared to be ignoring our interview. "WHAT?". This was repeated over and over again. Then, as if to signify the validity of Tupac's career and the complete wrongness of Paul Simon's heartless murder, when Lil' John was asked if he respected the rapper, he responded with a resounding, "YEEEEAAAHH!!!". That, my friends, is a legend.

I'll leave you with some words from the man, summing up his life better than I could ever hope to. "I guess it's hard for you to see. But now I'm pointin the finger at police instead of motherfuckers blamin' me. I got the right to bear a pistol. And when them punk motherfuckers get to trippin' I got shit too. And maybe then you'll see the truth. But until then I gotta do what I do and stay a crooked nigga too." He left his mark on the world and changed our hearts. And rest assured Tupac, you've done everything you could to stay a crooked nigga too. And we'll remember you.

Sources

• Particulate Matter "No grues is good grues" The Naughty Cabin Boy Pub, December 01, 2006