User:Frosty/NOWC/judging/RAHB

This is the page where you provide feedback for the 30 articles submitted to this years NOWC. Follow the simple instructions below and fill out as required.

House of Hangover[edit | edit source]

Humour - Score: 6.5/10 Comment: Some good lines in here. Some work needed but definitely a good start, and leaving it as is certainly wouldn't be besmirching the site in any way. It's a nice little piece. Might be able to due without the Wilde quote, and if it could sound a bit more encyclopedic is could maybe fit a little better. Funny though.
Concept - Score: 7/10 Comment: I don't rightly know if this is a frequently blurted pun or a clever new idea for not living in the area or knowing much of its history. The idea works well though.
Originality - Score: 5/10 Comment: Oh, now we have an 'Originality' section...isn't that like, the same thing as 'Concept'? Well, whatever. I'm going about half and half on this one. The Wildeism, like I said, and some of the other lines don't seem terribly new or anything, but there's lots of good too. Particularly, I think the descriptions of how these nobles woke up in the morning could be much more outlandish. Dig the one about the aliens wearing thongs in the bathtub :)
Formatting - Score: 8/10 Comment: Formatted well enough but to get the joke across properly I think it would be better to give the article a more 'formal' look and approach. Fix a couple of grammar mistakes, maybe use some more flashy words or something. Otherwise fine.
Images - Score: 9/10 Comment: Works for me.
Total - Score: 35.5/50 Comment: Could do with some work, but it's headed in the very right direction. Spend another hour maybe on it and you could turn it into an easy feature.

UnNews:Leprechauns support Obama[edit | edit source]

Humour - Score: 5/10 Comment: Well, I have one major problem with this, and that is the prose. I guess we're calling 'prose' 'formatting' now, or something, but it's very important, especially in UnNews. At current it sounds far too casual, which would be fine if that were a part of the joke, but I don't think that it is. It reads like it was kind of rushed. There's not a great continuity or flow to the feel of it. It's more like "okay this happened, and some people said stuff."
Concept - Score: 8/10 Comment: Despite what I said above, I think the concept is great. It is an original concept, obviously well thought-out, particularly with the Irish guy image and stuff.
Originality - Score: 5/10 Comment: But here again, the originality of the concept doesn't necessarily make the jokes themselves more original. It is rather wacky, the whole overview of it, but the individual jokes themselves are really just a leprechaun and Obama saying things to each other that any other two people would say, except they wouldn't because the tone is wrong. >_<
Formatting - Score: 6/10 Comment: Per the stuff about the prose I guess, in relation to formatting. The actual formatting of the article is perfect. The use of the English language is what needs a little work.
Images - Score: 8/10 Comment: Works for me.
Total - Score: 32/50 Comment: Needs some pumping up with more funny I think. If it will be satirical, makes it satirical. Or if it will be crazy, make it crazy. But right now it seems like it's somewhere in between not entirely sure of what it wants to be and as a result is having a hard time being anything. That can all be fixed with some more time spent and some prose changes.

The Hawaiian conquest of Wales[edit | edit source]

Humour - Score: 5/10 Comment: This would otherwise be probably pretty funny, except that the elementary school grammar and speech just kills it for me. Please, if you need help with forming more encyclopedic sentences, do not hesitate to ask me or someone else. But there should be more thought than this put into the way your words are actually going to be spoken. I can't get "into" the piece if it's written half-heartedly and so the majority of the actual potential humor of the article is lost because it sounds entirely non-professional which kills the vibe. If you can work on this, then you can have a great article on your hands.
Concept - Score: 7/10 Comment: Another good original concept.
Originality - Score: 6/10 Comment: Some of these jokes work. Early on works the best. The thing with the whites and niggers is actually pretty funny, although you really, really don't need to censor the word "fuck". And you probably shouldn't because it looks lousy on the page. Near the end things detract pretty quickly and it looks like you got bored and decided to finish things up as fast as possible. As such there seem to be less actual jokes in that region.
Formatting - Score: 5/10 Comment: Please work on the prose as above, seeing that properly written with some real time put in this could be a great article. As is, I get the vibe of something like a school report being written out and the author not really being all that excited about writing it so just sort of auto-piloting. Find something to make it more exciting for you, or simply spend more time, or whatever it is you have to do. Because the idea is good but the execution is just lacking.
Images - Score: 6/10 Comment: Why are the Welsh children with fake swords?
Total - Score: 29/50 Comment: See previous sections.

Cthulhu Tequila[edit | edit source]

Humour - Score: 3/10 Comment: Really losing me now. Another one that has soooo much potential for hilarity, but instead it just...sits there. There are very few actual jokes in this one, and the ones there are are rather predictable. The prose is once again very plain and colorless as well.
Concept - Score: 5/10 Comment: I'm personally tired of Cthulhu humor, but I'm sure there are other who aren't.
Originality - Score: 2/10 Comment: I find it difficult to find much originality in this article. Partly because I find it hard to find any actual jokes before the last section and the jokes in that section are extremely predictable.
Formatting - Score: 4/10 Comment: I'm officially changing my idea of 'formatting' to 'formatting and prose' now. Because prose is incredibly important, and it's not on particularly great display here. The grammar is also bad in many places. The actual article format is fine, but the manner and tone that it's written in are uninteresting and don't make me want to know anything about Cthulhu Tequila.
Images - Score: 7/10 Comment: First one works for me. I guess the second works too but...meh.
Total - Score: 21/50 Comment: I'm getting the feeling that you should be writing fewer of these articles but spending more time on each one. I can tell by your concepts and obviously your intentions with the articles that you've got very funny ideas and are just having trouble articulating them to the point of hilarity just yet. This is all fine, this is what the noob competition is about. With more work put into each individual article you could be pumping out features in no time.

Giovanni Battista Bugatti[edit | edit source]

Humour - Score: 6/10 Comment: You see, there's stuff here that's great. The Alaskan pasta line - hilarious. Actually laughed physically at that one. But the article dwells too long on the joke with the thriller movies, and a lot of the article appears to be unmodified from the Wikipedia article. Beyond that there are very few actual "jokes" or humorous areas. It seems almost informational.
Concept - Score: 6/10 Comment: Well, nobody seems to have written it before...
Originality - Score: 5/10 Comment: I'm not sure exactly how much to judge originality because I can't really tell what the purpose of this particular article is. There's no central punchline or comedic direction, but it seems like the idea might have been rather original. Also, Alaskan pasta. Still funny.
Formatting - Score: 5/10 Comment: Bad grammar! Bad! Bad! Bad!
Images - Score: 8/10 Comment: Works for me.
Total - Score: 28/50 Comment: Pretty much per my comments on all of your other articles. Good start. Needs a proof-read and some more care put into the development and execution of the concept, but it's getting there.