Stu Pickles
| Stu Pickles was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012! | |
Yay for us!
And yay for them! | |
~ Stu Pickles on his life
On the outside, it was the perfect life. Sexy children he could stare at, a wife with clown pubic hair, and a moral neighborhood (Detroit) to raise them in.
But Stu slowly but surely saw his life fall apart around him. With his wife's hot affair with Charles, the army, the murders of his beloved sons...but we shall soon get to those later. Want to know how? Here is the story, of Stu Pickles, the man who watched his entire life collapse, a man on a hunt for justice. Here is the story, of a true hero turned into a villain.
Life[edit | edit source]
The Beginning[edit | edit source]
Stu was born in the small town of Raccoon City. In his early years, Stu was exposed to nothing but morality. When Stu was only 2, his uncle died of a heart attack after an eating contest. His mother caressed him gently as poor Stu cried. "Shhh," she said, "he is in a better place now." At age 9, he had adult on set Diabetes, much to Wilford Brimley's delight. Then he started going to school...
Later on in life[edit | edit source]
Stu, after forgiving God for his uncle's death, Stu moved onto finally going to school when he was 12. The result was drastic.
"Students," said the teacher, "it is time for your daily math lesson."
The students grumbled, and pulled out their notebooks. Stu didn't know why they looked so mad, and he asked the teacher a question.
"What's a math notebook?"
The teacher replied with: "Stu, do you live under a rock? Are you retarded?"
After that sentence, his good friend, Billy Mays said: "Big city sliders!"
The teacher replied with: "I can't take this fucking bull shit anymore."
The teacher pulled a gun out from under her desk, held it up to her, and pulled the trigger. The whole class was shocked, except for Stu, who laughed like a maniac because he thought it was funny.
Then there was the time he came to school, naked. He border the bus and the bus driver said, "What the fuck happened to your clothes? What's wrong with you! You ain't getting on my bus!" He was not discouraged, for he pushed a kid off his bike, pissed on him, then rode the bike to school. (The ride really hurt his nuts because of the seat, and then when he hit that bump, OUCH!) He got to school, and the children started laughing, because they are immature shit heads. The police officer on duty slammed him to the ground, and butt raped, without anyone knowing, while handcuffing him. Stu was only 12 years old, but he had an arrest record.
The Origins of A Killer[edit | edit source]
When attending college at Mars University, he went for a stroll. He noticed an old slut was walking down the street. He went up to it and said, "Those are some nice pies you make." The slut said, "Thanks, but I don't bake pies." Stu then said, "well I do!" He picked up a brick, and smashed the slut's face in. The slut let out a horrible cry, that was only met with Stu slicing the sluts throat, so she could no longer scream. Condoms and guts were everywhere. He had killed a slut with his bare hands without any pity or remorse. He dragged the dead carcass home. He cut it up, and baked it into a pie. Two years later, he found a child playing in his yard. He went outside of his house, screamed obscenities, and kidnapped the child. He then ate him too. During the same year, he assaulted a police officer and robbed a McDonald's. He never went to jail, because all of the witnesses were found dead. Coincidence?
A Family Man[edit | edit source]
Stu had a thing for jail birds that looked like clowns, so when he saw this girl, he knew that he had to marry her so he could have children that looked like Tom Hanks. They got married, and had two kids. Non of which looked like Tom Hanks. Because of this, he sold his children to Satan and got two other children. He developed an addiction to YouTube that seemed unstoppable. Luckily his family hired Dr. Rabbit, the worlds only rabbit dentist/psychiatrist. He was cured of his addiction to YouTube and stopped killing people. He became a law abiding citizen, until he discovered his wife was cheating on him.
Stu's Breakdown[edit | edit source]
Shortly after learning about his wife's hot affair with Chase through a porno, he turned back to his life of crime. He became heavily dependent on alcohol and murder. He went on a killing spree in Pittsburgh, which took the lives of half of the cities veterinarians. He traveled toPhiladelphia and desecrated the grave of Benjamin Franklin by shitting on it. He vowed revenge on his former friend, and promised to stop at nothing until he was dead.
The Nigerian Army[edit | edit source]
During his breakdown, Stu tried to call AARP, however, he accidentally called a Nigerian General. The General was appalled by this man and sent his soldiers after him. Stu was able to kill all of the soldiers and hijack a tank. He drove that tank into his neighborhood on 4/15/20XX, and used it to unleash hell upon his former friends. He destroyed all of their houses and material possessions. He ran over a little gir's cat and screamed "fuck yeah!"
Revenge[edit | edit source]
During Stu's homicidal tank rampage, he attacked Chase. He held him at gun point and forced him to eat 1,000 Twinkies, which made him suffer a heart attack. He died just like how Chase killed Stu's uncle. He then ate his wife and children. after eating them, he then cloned them and made sure they did all of his chores.
Stu's Achievements[edit | edit source]
Stu is a disco champion who likes to get down and dirty with chocolate bitches. He used to own a disco necklace owned by the Beegees, but his dog, Spike, ate it. So in turn, he ate his dog and retrieved his necklace. He calls it a "neat conversation piece."