Caffenism is a religious denomination involving the worship of the coffee plant and coffee plant products (namely coffee). Caffenism is efectively the same as atheism, but studies show that Caffiests are an average 30% more alert than atheists and spend an average 62 hours a week longer in Caffinated beverage emporiums, or caffe`s. Caffenists are often fanatical about their religeon; showing signs of withdrawal when unable to worship frequently and resorting to ultra-violent means of punishment for disturbing a church of Caffenism.
History of Caffenism[edit | edit source]
Caffenism began during the 9th century AD, in the province of Kefa, Ethiopia, the belief then spread across the world, it was not until 1524 the first true houses of coffee worship were constructed in Egypt. Caffenism has had a turbulent popularity amongst the less enlightened. The practice of Caffenism was gaining in popularity until the eary 20th century when a european coffee drought inexplicably caused the third reich to come about. Hitler, a devoted caffenist, tarnished public opinion of caffenism by slaughtering minorities he percived to pose a direct threat to Germany's coffee supply. Landing Caffenists the world over a reputation as fanatics, and insane war criminals. This was not such a bad thing for Caffenists because it ultimately resulted in non-belivers fearing them, giving them room to consume dangerous quantities of caffine in peace. Unfourtunately, this fear spawned a comunal hatred of Caffenists, similar to today's attitudes towards terrorists and fans of simple plan. This caused a regression in the number of committed Caffenists active in society, which has led to most of today's Caffenists fitting the profile of outlaws or losers, because they have to have a high tolerance for social alienation and ignorant stares, akin to those which adorn the faces of Microsoft employees and people from the south. Today, most would-be caffenists simply consume the holy beverage, only true belivers fully embrace the significance of caffine in their lives; accepting that without the coffee plant, their lives are nothing.
Belifs of The Church of Caffenism[edit | edit source]
The fundamental belief of The Church of Caffenism is that caffeine is the source of all good things, like the Christian idea of a soul. The only ritual present in Caffenism is that of enlightenment, the daily ritual of coffee consumption: allowing the caffenist to feel truly alive, do hard math problems, laugh randomly or spazm uncontrollably. Caffenism also teaches that a truly devoted caffenist may, over time develop certain abnormal abilities or powers which may be called upon shortly after enlightenment, these include:
- Bullet TimeAs featured on The Matrix and the Max Payne series of games
- Popenation The ability to close every single popup advertisement encountered after hittig the enter key with www.ebaumsworld.com in the address bar - without any apparent loss of sanity (may damage mouse or equivalent human interface device)
- Invisibility A period of low bodily opacity following the sequence: Left, Left, Right Right
- Seizures Not so great but lessen overtime till are virtually gone.
- Berserk Unlimited Strength and Bullet Time very useful if facing down mobs of De-Caffenists
- God-Mode Temporary invincibility and allows direct communication with God and Jesus for a time.
- Immunity No disease or poison can harm you and your skin gains the strength of anything between hard leather and Tungsten thus making the person very hard to kill with knives and any gun smaller then a .45 or .50 cal round.
Fameous Caffenists[edit | edit source]
(in no particular order)
- Hugh Laurie
- Adolf Hitler
- Spongebob Squarepants
- James Brown
- Sherlock Holmes
- Tony Blair
- The guy from those Bonds underwear commercials, AKA: Mr Prue
- Mr T
- Sam Fisher
- Sonic the Hedgehog
- The Cast of CSI: Miami
- Julius Cæsar
- Mai Hasagawa (Kenoko)
- Night Shift Workers
Notable Things Caffenism was a Direct Cause of[edit | edit source]
- The Third Reich
- Counter Strike
- The Assassination of JFK
- The Bible
- Subway Restaurants
- Richard Branson
- Hurricane Katrina
- Crem De` Cacao
- The Machete
- Several Highschool Shootings