User:CoffeeBeans

CoffeeBeans was born on the pitcher's mound of Fenway Park on Auguest 12, 1986 to mother Courtney Love and father Billy Corgan (maybe, it could also be the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard, nobody's really sure). In her early years, CoffeeBeans enjoyed doing the usual girl stuff such as emasculating men by calling them gay and watching SportsCenter.

In 2000, CoffeeBeans single-handedly re-counted all the Florida ballots for the presidential election. She may or may not have missed some. Sorry, my bad. After this, CoffeeBeans made the Patriots roster as a walk-on and convinced Robert Kraft to draft that Brady guy out of Michigan instead of Tim Rattay (yes, the timeline's off but then again so is this biography). Despite only being 5'1, 110 pounds, she became known as one of the most feared inside linebackers in the NFL and helped the Patriots win three Superbowls in four years. She retired in 2012 to focus on her writing and hold'em playing.

CoffeeBeans went back to her rock 'n roll roots by marrying Scott Weiland in 2014. They had a beautiful life until Scott's heroin overdose seven months later. She then entered the World Series of Poker in 2015, becoming the first woman to win the Main Event in history. During the WSOP, she made a bet with Gavin Smith that if she won the whole thing she would have to marry Gus Hanson. They wed in Las Vegas three hours after the tournament was over and have been happy together ever since.