Billy Corgan
“ Squeal like a pig, boy!”
“ Ree! Reee! Reeee! EHHHHHH”
“ Holy shit, I'm blind!”
Sir William "Butt Fuck Billy" Corgan Jr. (born March 17, 1967) is the round-headed, nasal-voiced, egotistical Only Person who Matters and Lord Creator of the The Smashing Pumpkins, Zwan, The Marked and BC's Hootenanny. Although known for raping ears while reading his poetry and playing songs from his solo project, Rolling Stone has dubbed him the "hunched-back genius of modern music".
The Smashing Pumpkins[edit | edit source]
Billy came up with the name for the band one day while out at a gay bar in Chicago. A beautiful trannie named James Iha appeared, showing off his most delectable bosoms. Billy's response was "you have absolutely smashing pumpkins!". After hitting it off, they picked up some chick called D'arcy who would later get addicted to plastic surgery, and Jimmy. Lo and behold, The Smashing Pumpkins were born.
Billy started the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
Billy ended the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
Billy revived the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.
Solo Album[edit | edit source]
With the beautiful trannie, D'arcy 'Plastic Surgery + Horses= Love' Wretzky and the guy on the drums that no one really cared about gone, Billy still had enough egotistical power within him to produce an album of his own. With the help of some pots, pans, his faithful synthesiser and A Circus Clown From His Childhood, Billy managed to crank out his usual mixture of bad teenage poetry and loud noises. He and the Circus Clown collaborated on a cover of an ancient song by the mystical tribe known as the Bee Gees, in which they compete for the title of 'Person With The Whiniest Voice'.
However, no one noticed. No one cared.
The Mistake known as Zwan[edit | edit source]
After spending a long, hot summer in India, an idea sprung from the sweaty Corgan's bald and polished head. He would form his own Hare Krishna-esque group with some worthless hippies from not very significant bands and use this music group to take over the world.
However, no one noticed. No one cared.
Return of the band Billy calls 'The Smashing Pumpkins'[edit | edit source]
Having noticed his rock-goblin followers were not pleased by his solo attempt, and that world domination was simply not meant for bald people (something that his brother, Dr Evil, has not yet realised), it eventually dawned on Billy that his only hope of reliving success was to reform the Smashing Pumpkins. However, the beautiful trannie James Iha was too concerned with producing music in a band that sang about perfect circles or something like that, with dude from Tool. D'arcy also rejected Billy's offer of rejoining, preferring to earn money these days by selling her horses/DUI mugshots. But Guy on drums that no one really cared about agreed to rejoin, and to fill the remaining spaces needed, Billy and Guy on drums that no one really cared about picked up some homeless people off the street in Klutzville, Alabama.
In 2007 the band that isn't really 100% The Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Zeitgeist.
And once again, no one noticed. No one cared.
In 2009, Guy on drums that no one really cared about finally realized that, well, no one actually cared about him, and left the band that isn't really 100% The Smashing Pumpkins. Since the percentage of original Pumpkin in the band has dwindled, Billy Corgan is considering re-naming his band 'The One and Only Smashing Pumpkin and his Freakshow Circus'. It is highly doubtful that anyone will care about this, either.
Accident and Surgery[edit | edit source]
In early 2000, Corgan was admitted to hospital and required emergency treatment to prevent suffocation. His entire head was found to be jammed two feet up his own bottom, due to an extreme case of "Self-Love Syndrome". The surgery included having his buttocks removed to successfully maintain the shine and smoothness of his perfectly rounded bald head. From the incident, Corgan can no longer consume food due to not physically being able to excrete as a result of the surgery. In an interview after the incident, Corgan stated that he was proud of what had happened, as he was only the third person to suffer from this rare condition, after Dave Mustaine and Bono. His exact words in the interview were "You know, the whole experience was interesting...I've experienced something that's only happened to two other self-centered twats in the music industry. It was uncomfortable but gave me time to think, you know?".
Billy's Sons[edit | edit source]
In the spring of 1982 Billy fathered two children with Liza Minnelli whilst under the influence of crystal methamphetamine. In an attempt to keep the abomination a secret, they slyly disposed of the worthless flesh in a dumpster behind a Hot Topic chain store somewhere in New Jersey.
Billy has since found out that his long-lost sons were none other than My Chemical Romance vocalist Gerard Way and bassist Mikey Way, after meeting them backstage at a show on the East Coast. Gerard originally was hesitant about revealing his identity to his father and even fudged his date of birth in interviews, making him seem older.
Since Gerard has risen to fame, Billy has gone public about his love-child and has even started working on a comeback album with the Smashing Pumpkins so that he can, as he said in his own words, 'Rock out with my sons.'
Another torrid love affair of Billy Corgan's, this time with Quebecoise singing sensation Celine Dion, (famous for her many appearances on the cartoon Terrence and Philip), resulted in a child. The resulting offspring, quite obviously the son of the Pumpkins lead singer if only for his extremely prematurely bald pate, is television's Caillou.
Some would claim that Caillou is not in fact a Corgan, but rather, a leukaemia patient and that to suggest Pumpkin parentage is highly insensitive to sufferers of "blood cancer".
Caillou has always refused to comment on his lineage and will only say the following: "All I need to know is that my mother, Celine Dion, loves me. Her disgusting octogenarian manager/husband who was already old when they first met, while Celine was peri-pubescent, is the only father I have ever needed. I hate the Pumpkins anyway, especially that slopehead guitarist." This quote is also notable for being the beginning of the end of Caillou's popularity. He sought admission to a drug treatment facility the next day, stating: "I am fucking bald." His bitterness is certainly understandable.
Pastimes of Sir William[edit | edit source]
- Billy is an avid blogger and writes 'confessional' tales in his online journal, this caused a massive trend amongst many panda eyed teenagers and lead to the creation of livejournal, which he takes personal credit for. He also takes credit for the electric toaster, PVC Clothing, Hole's (better) Songs, Dawson's Creek, Hot Pockets and the creation of sound.
- Billy's favourite pastime is attempting to steal u2 guitarist The Edge's hats. He has been successful a fair few times, his most triumphant moment being the time he stole The Edge's favourite Cowboy Hat whilst he was in the toilet. Billy later wore this hat in his music video 'Perfect' to flaunt his victory in The Edge's face. Edge was said to have sworn revenge on Billy, yet to this date nothing exciting has been done on his part.
- Billy once chased Courtney Love down a street at Halloween dressed as the killer from Scream, he claimed this was all in the holiday spirit but refused to answer questions on why there was a rolled carpet and four cement blocks in his trunk.
- Billy stars on the critically acclaimed show Smallville as Lex Luthor.
- Everybody poops, except Billy Corgan.