User:BlackInkWriter/Cosmic Guidance

Cosmic guidance is a largely unexplored phenomenon which especially humans are prone to. It is said to manipulate the freedom of decision, sanity and accountability. The phenomenon was first discovered by Uri Geller while attempting to pick up alien signals with a spoon (he failed, it always broke in half). Despite it's unforeseeable incidence, certain groups such as artists, politicians, comedians and call center staff members occasionally take advantage of Cosmic Guidance.

Schematic representation of Cosmic Guidance radiation. You can see how the rays interfere with each other. It's almost magic.

Origin

Day by day cosmic rays reach planet earth. Some parts of this radiation are hazardous, but nature was able to adopt to it. However, the human brain is prone to external manipulation like no other nervous system of any mammal. Specific electromagnetic high amplitude waves between approximately 620Hz and 640Hz reach the earths surface. As much as 20% are reflected back towards space and the rest is partly reflected again by gas layers in 100 km height. It causes incoming waves to resonate with reflected waves which inspires me to write absurd sophisticated technical blah blah as used in Star Trek TNG or inane Sci-Fi books such aaaaas qw rt asdffffaaaaa a As Berry rushed to lift up the fragile yet wolly salamander Anthony Griffith honked---

Argh, sorry. Apparently my kitchenfoil had a leakage. I replaced it now ... don't worry.

Err, where were we? Ah, yes.

So these waves resonate and form a kind of "signal circle" with the amplifier, blah blah, creating a static, loud tone. If you just turn the microphone off for a second, it should do the trick. Or use a cardioid (or hypercardioid) mic right away --- Huh? Ah, forget it. I gotta buy new aluminum foil. Why, you ask? Proceed to Remedy.

CGI

Most people believe the acronym CGI stands for "computer generated image". In fact, it means "Cosmic Guidance inspired". Images of such kind are indeed computer generated, but the content is of such absurd nature that even the Monty Python Group couldn't keep up with it. Game Designers are able to work without leaving their workspace for up to three weeks while programming (on the basis of being fed enough pizza by a third person). As a result they are being exposed to steady cosmic rays typical for this specific environment. After twelve hours already several symptoms known in connection with Cosmic Guidance can be attested:

No wonder injured pets with collars act strange ... It optimises reception of Cosmic Guidance!

• Offensive smell
• Rings under the eyes
• Relexation of the jaw muscles
• Escape of saliva
• Unnatural, apparently painful posture
• Speech impediment
• Belated response to any external stimulation
• Lack of willpower
• Aversion to light
• Pseudo livor mortis
• Seemingly dead

To the ale, my friends! Let us reign the ginger empire!

In this state (medical term: tota surditas hominis ad coma caeli) game designers are constantly under the influence of Cosmic Guidance rays and thus should not operate a car. However, they are given the creativity and insanity that usually only madmen (artists) are given. The average game designer ends up creating CGI images in order to compensate the effect. Other than the urge to express their partitial control by space via meticulous CGI images and screenshots, Cosmic Guidance has no long term effects on them.

Aimed Usage

Scientologists put trust in Cosmic Guidance.

Some people are willing to give in to Cosmic Guidance in order to reach another layer of perception. Metal funnels have proven to be of great help. It is most unlikely that anything of a greater sense will come of this approach, but some groups such as artists, writers, surgeons and presidential advisors often "seek advice from the stars" before making important decisions. For instance, it may help solving a complicated situation. At least it once worked for Comte de Lautréamont. (Chance meeting of an umbrella and a sewing machine on a dissecting table)

Theory

It might be possible that an isolated exposure of some brain areas to Cosmic Rays renders hallucinations in the users perception. Hallucinations of audible, visual or otherwise experienced kind, even those interpreted as smell or temperature stimulations. We leave such hypothesis to the highly acclaimed, thoroughgoing professional esoterics out there.

I have no inhibitions, officer!

Scientology Again

In 1951, L. Ron Hubbard stated that he created most of his books and studies like the Dianetics series entirely with the help of Cosmic Guidance. He described the hours of inspiration as an overwhelming experience along with a feeling of "seeing clearly and understanding everything".

The church of Scientology may have rejected an autopsy on Hubbards body, however, witnesses attested a circular impress around his skull. Speculation has it that this was a natural result of constantly wearing a specially designed chrome funnel that Hubbard would put on while writing.

The E-meter, manufactured for Scientologists and Dianetics, registers space radiation fluctuations and has a built in alarm in case it registers optimal reception of cosmic rays. It may explain why Scientology activists seem rather mentally absent when advertising for their church or when selling E-meters. Then again, when aren't they mentally absent! Well, let's not be tempted by prejudice. Leave that to all the niggers out there.

Tommy Boy

As the most important representative of the Scientology church, Tom Cruise launched an advertising campaign in Europe. He means to spread knowledge and encourage people to let themselves give in to Cosmic Guidance, causing them to make silly decisions and ruining their lives.

I'd love to put my foot into the microwave oven right now!

In order to impress Oprah, Tom meditated in a big lead pipe on a construction site near the shows studio. He meant to subject himself to a concentrated amount of Cosmic rays. The results were ... interesting.

Popular Cases in History

Here's a list of historic moments and occurances involved with Cosmic Guidance. Some were senseless, others ingenious and the rest was like warm banana stew in your Parkinson's-disease-shaking hand.

• Ronald Reagans Zombie pose, "I always wanted to do this on Television ..." - you know the end.
• AYBABTU
• "Kenneth, what is the frequency?"
• Our earth is hollow!, a movement with an ... interesting theory
• ...

--- Can you think of some weird incident in connection with Cosmic Guidance? help us guide ....

Remedy

Protect your children.

The average person doesn't like the idea of being controlled by mysterious forces from outer space (6,5 out of 10 say so). There are reliable methods with state of the art scientific solutions to avoid up to 98% of Cosmic Guidance effects.

The most Popular Solution

Wrapping the head in costumary kitchenfoil repels a vast array of cosmic rays, keeps the mind clear and the head warm. The resulting appearance of someone protecting his mind with kitchenfoil is not yet accepted by society. Fashion designers have reacted properly and provide modern clothing considering the dangers of cosmic guidance.

Darmok ... and Jalad ... at Tanagra

Definite Solution

Another way to escape cosmic guidance is to have yourself beheaded. This method shows hardly any undesired side effects. It is comparable to the benefits of circumcision: You don't have to wash as often, less arguments with your wife or girlfriend (vice versa boyfriend if, you are gay), putrid smell is gone and less to carry around all the time. Additionally, you are resistent to extreme loudness up to 200 db and it may help against bad breath, neckache, senile dementia and nightmares caused by posttraumatic stress disorder.

Alternative Medicine

Some swear by carrying a rabbits paw in the pocket. It is said to also keep fiendish ghosts away. And girls. You may also want to try using garlic to prevent being taken over by any kind of entity. ANY kind. To attain permanent protection (based on Placebo effect), consult your local shaman.

What You Can Do

Every household offers the very tools you need to get the best protection in the world. First of all, check if you have this in your house. I know, it's what the Scientology guys use - that's what you will think. But listen well now: Ram this thoroughly into the aperture and you're done. You are now holding the perfect solution to avoiding Cosmic Guidance in your hands! Psssst. But don't tell anyone, OK!!!

See also

• Random Humor - the editors of this wiki apply CG Funnels for source of inspiration.
• Tom Cruise
• Scientology - it's all based on Cosmic Guidance.
• Star Trek
• Most puny, contingent race on planet earth
• Support group of people who are especially prone to writing compulsion caused by CG
• Andy Warhol - where did you think he got all those crappy ideas?

---

Let an artist of class have the last word: Mr. Comte de Lautréamont please ...

Hmm. Chance meeting of an umbrella and a sewing machine on a dissecting table ... sounds great!"