User:Bizzeebeever/To fix/Bagel

“To lose one Bagel may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

~ Oscar Wilde on losing one's Bagel

“Bagels!”

~ Menachem Bagel, on Uncyclopedia needing a Bagel-based pun to shoehorn in somewhere

A pile of modern bagels.

thumb|God, as created by the Almighty Bagel.

There can be no such thing as a short history of Bagels. It is an utter misconception that associates Jewish people with the invention of Bagels, as Bagels have existed long before this universe, and shall exist long after. Ergo, bagels are eternal. Bagels are also indestructible, and sentient, allowing themselves to be toasted or cleaved apart only at their own will. Bagels may have holes in their centers, but remember, it is you that has an internal emptiness. Which, of course, you desire to fill -- with the Bagel! Ha! Moving on.

A Short History of Bagels

Bagels were first discovered by humans in the Neolithic era, when most foodstuffs were dangerous, or had four legs and teeth, or were rocks, or were rocks with four legs and teeth. An effective delivery method for porn (other than gesticulating suggestively with rocks) had not yet been invented, so a particularly bored and sex-deprived caveman took a wad of dough and attempted coitus with it. Soon becoming bored with its loose, elastic nature, which afforded none of the necessary friction or resistance, the caveman tossed it aside. From its unholy remnants grew a Bagel Bush, which, when left to its own devices, matured into a fifty-eight-foot tall yew tree covered with every variety of Bagel. The caveman was unable to celebrate his new food source, however — as he had been masticated by a mastadon.

Bagels in the Torah

According to the first book of the Torah:

“

5 And the daughter of Pharaoh came down to bathe in the river; and her maidens walked along by the river-side; and she saw a basket among the bulrushes, and sent her handmaid to fetch it.

6 And she opened it, and saw in it, a dozen Bagels; and she wept.

”

Bagels OUTSIDE the Torah

The first mention of a Bagel outside the Torah is in the papyrus scrolls of the 23rd-century BCE scholar, אני כותב את הדברים (English pronunciation [chhhhhhhhh] ). In his treatise זה אידיוט השתמש גוגל לתרגם (Things With Holes In Them), אני כותב את הדברים mentions "þe Fruite of þe Bagell tree, tightly Knead'd...þen Bayk'd...þen Boil'd in Saliva...þen slic'd þerewythe and toast'd uponn þe lickynge Flames of a goodley Wench's burnynge Desyre." A precise, 14-step process of how to properly anoint the pastry with "the Cheese of a faire she-Goate, cream'd" then follows. It is, however, a matter of great contention (among scholars especially) whether it is the cheese or the goat that is "creamed".

Because they were so large, dry, and generally lacking in flavor, the fruits of the Bagel tree was impossible to eat alone. As cream cheese had not yet been invented, the Egyptians despised them, often casting them into rivers. As legend would have it, the slaves of the Pharoah came upon the thrown-out Bagels, and, as it is well known how much Jews love free shit, the Bagel soon became a regular staple of Jewish diet.

The Life and Tines of Heinz Bagelfork

A probably apocryphallic fable recounts a story of the world's most famous unrecognized Jewish philosopher, Heinz Bagelfork, who was drowning in the Red Sea, when he was thrown a Bagel as a life preserver. He made a stab for it with his fork, but missed, only managing to get a mouthful of Bagel. Before drowning, however, he shouted: "Oy gevalt! Dese Bagels are da Shmitz!" The breakfast world has never been the same. Regardless of their extremely tumultuous past, the Jews provided us with the best breakfast pastry to be discovered, to date.

Bagels in Modern Times

The humble Bagel is used to cure many diseases, such as AIDS, hunger and Uglyness

Queen Elizabeth once lost her crown, at which point she substituted a Bagel.

The Bagel is now sacred in Canada and the United Kingdom - excluding Dundee, Scotland, of course. (The Bagel in this district is extremely disgraced, due the existence of heavy Bagel-polluting volcanoes, which erupt to the tune of approximately 9 million Bagels every Sunday).

Bagelbook

Bagelbook, a social networking site for Bagels aged 16 hours and older, have tried to sue Facebook for copyright infringement. A dramatic rise in users has been promising for the economy of Bagels, which was declining in 1987 when a similar bread - the 'savory donut - was introduced. (The savory donut has gone down on the leaderboard after Tuesday night's score - 2-1 in favor of the Bagels.)

Bagelbook has noticed lack of users in Zimbabwe, Chad, Niger, and Ethiopia, as the Bagel, although much needed in these areas due to famine, is absent - due to its native background in the Scottish Highlands and Norwegian Fjords, it burns easily. In 1870, New York created a cream-cheese-like substance which could protect Bagels from UV light. It is theorized that the lack of cream cheese in these African countries is what led to Bagels leaving the continent in disgust.

Threat analysis

A bagel passively awaiting its next victim.

A Bagel by itself is not dangerous (apart from the California squib-jalapeno-cheddar bagel, of course), as it can only infect when it is feeling at home, which would be among a group of Satanists. If this criteria is fulfilled, and a bite is taken from the viral food, the threat to the victim's health and physical well-being is considerable. The virus will immediately start the process of giving the victim (male or not) an erection, in order to feature the wood necessary to have sex with a Horse of Troy. In men, the erected organ is the penis, in women, the erected organ will be the inverted vagina.

Bagels in the wild

The bagel's activity in the wild is currently considered low and it will actually expire January 28 in a still-unknown year. Because of the constant war between Humans and The Kingdom of Toaster over these delicious African cookies, scientists theorize that Bagels may eventually become extinct, at which point...the human population will have to resort to eating toast.

It has recently been discovered that Jews are entirely unaffected by consuming Bagels. In fact, the Jew strain of Bagel seems to have developed a symbiotic relationship with Jews; the relationship being that if a Jew does not consume at least one Bagel every 24 hours, he or she asplodes.

A New Hope

In recent times, an unknown college student discovered a new use for the Bagel, which ultimately led to a rise in its popularity. With the use of butter and a microwave, one can create a makeshift sex toy. (No more than 10 seconds though.)

Becoming a Bagel

Those who desire to become one with the Bagel culture will need to do the following:

1. Procure a toaster. Lacking a toaster, you may use a radiator, preheated for 30 minutes on number '4'. If you're at '3', there is a 27.8% chance that you will morph into a mimosa at your best friend's sister's engagement party.
2. Get an iPhone/iPod Touch, with a copy of the Bagel Reproduction app installed. Hold the iPhone/iPod at a 37 degree SSW angle to your right nostril. (This will allow you to reproduce as a Bagel, therefore assuring the survival of the species.)
3. Get a calculator. (It must not be scientific, unless you wish to be incarnated as a Nerd Bagel, the least-tasty kind.) Calculate your BMI, then throw it away. (It is not required anymore.)
4. Next, using dull scissors, cut open your trautic abdomen in a linear format. Tear out the heart and lungs, and place them on a fan extractor. Sit still, breathing normally.
5. Consume (eat) 12 bags of self-raising flour and then count to 85. After this you should sauté in a preheated pan filled with 90 litres of water. If you are lacking a large hob or pot you may use your jacuzzi. Sit and wait.
6. HEY YOU ARE DONE! Congratulations, you are now you are a Bagel. Email the Better Bagel Board for your Bagel visa and your Bagel insurance number, and remember, Bagels are not permitted in Zimbabwe or much of East Africa, due to famine. (We don't wish to flaunt our baked goodness!)

NB: please expect to fester after 4 days

Notable Bagel Producers

• Bruegeueguegegueguegger's (nobody actually knows how this is pronounced)
• Einstein Bros., geniuses Albert and his less famous brother Joseph Einstein.
• Noah's Bagels--originally called "Nose' Bagels" because Jews would hang them as ornaments on their largest body part when they weren't hungry--were eventually Anglicized to cater to a larger audience.

See Also

• Beagle
• Bread
• Food
• God
• Jew
• Lubricant

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