User:Aleister/HowTo

HowTo:Hear a pin drop

Multitudes of people of every color and personality disorder are not able to hear a pin drop. This has been the case since the dawning of mankind. I don't have to prove it to you, because I've dropped about fifty-plus pins since you started reading this and you haven't heard a damn thing so far.

So what do you want to do about it? Just lay back and "read" this article (i.e. hearing a voice talking in your head while creating slight images and a few subtle emotions) while waiting for the pasta water to boil? Or do you want to get busy hearing pins drop for Christ's sake. This lesson should fix what ails you.

Dropped about forty more, FYI. Real quick too.

The Sound of One Pin Dropping

Nothing to it, you can hear it robustly when the pin is dropped from a great height onto wood or glass or water or something. A legally-deaf parakeet can hear it. But I'm talking about a pin dropped on carpet. And not that skinny-Kiera Knightley-thing-thin carpet either, but a good weave, machine quilted, with lots of soft thickness.

But first, the age old question: Can you hear a pin when it's properly dropped? Of course not! You'd have to be Superman or an anteater or something. Even Clint Eastwood, looooong before his speech to the GOP playing straightman to a chair, couldn't hear it. When Eastwood was at the top of his game and heard a gun clicking into loading postion from a hundred yards downwind, he couldn't hear a properly dropped pin. It's not those pins you want to concern yourself with.

A properly dropped pin is like a mouse, or a toon freely tooning, which tend to play fast because of the length of their lives, running by you so fast that you can't see them, mice and 'toons moving and aging so quickly that they're not even a blur. They can almost hear a properly dropped pin, and anything else is golden. Here's how some primates do it:

One: Keep a good record of the events Most people don't pay attention to the sounds around them, so the brain has learned to filter almost all of them out. The brain will be distracted from its habitual and limited circle of things-it-usually-hears only by loud or unusual sounds or animal squeals (i.e. Elephant stampede). A pin dropping is usually low on this scale, somewhere down there with not-yet-'ems.

If you want to listen to more sounds - thus expanding your universe accordingly - just be quiet and listen. The most silent of bodily functions and lots of bird sounds can be picked out from the background noise by remembering two axioms: Practice makes perfect, and practice, practice, practice. Yes, holy fuck, yes, I did just drop a pin. Some of you heard that. Others did not. WhyNot?

Two: Get off your butt and Clean out your ears!

Get off your butt. You know why? Your ears are stuffed with wax! Jesus Christ, yes, Jesus' ears were too. They were stuck with wax. Napolean had a hell of a time, and people as closely removed as Sir. Winston Churchill and the sister of the Third Emperor of China had thick layers of wax stuffed way up in their ears, so stuffed with wax that they couldn't even hear that wide and useful-to-survival part of the sound system which is fairly obvious. You don't want that. You want your ears opened pretty much all the way up and really listening to your immediate universe every once awhile. Not always of course - if you are concentrated on something really interesting, like stuff from the large hadron collider or the rover Curosity on Mars, you don't even want to hear the things in your brainpan. But it comes in handy lots of the time, like when you're watching a movie, or the guy with the pizza is finally at the door, or you just happen to want to hear a fucking pin drop.

Get ready to rumble!!! Ear wax, begone, bannish thee from thou drum, and no longer darken thee confines. But never use a Q-Tip (or a cue tip). Let's shout this louder.

NEVER USE A Q-TIP

Just don't.

Liquor is quicker...

Or liquid, to be precise.

Lightbulb at the end of the funnel

HowTo:As a wise man once said

HowTo:Abandon a baby on a doorstep

HowTo:Talk the talk and walk the walk or HowTo:Talk the talk HowTo:Try and stop me

HowTo:Carrot and stick

HowTo:Hold a grudge

HowTo:Mind you own business

HowTo:Strike a Happy Medium

Funnybony (talk) – contribs (new • del) • edit-count • block (rem • list) • all logs • groups • checkuser

Score: 1

•  Nom & For With 14 features in 2012 plus an amazing 69 UnNews articles Funnybony is at the top of his game. His imaginative unique twists on the news have set the pace for the UnNews team, and his amazingly worded articles stretch the space/time continuum. Yet I'm supporting Funnybony because he polishes his 532 pages (dats right, 532 pages, check out his user page if'un you don't 'lieve me) like a master jeweler polishes his prized stones, and he perfects his work for months or even years. The title "Writer of the Year" is no laughing matter, which is why Funnybony laughs at it. Aleister 1-1-'13

SPIKE (talk) – contribs (new • del) • edit-count • block (rem • list) • all logs • groups • checkuser

Score: 0

•  Nom & SpiritualFor With the most featured articles in 2012 (18.5), a trainload of saves, and a dripping but literally tireless helping hand always extended for new and experienced writers both, SPIKE is an invaluable resource for a site he obviously loves. He's one of our treasures, and is well deserving of this award. Aleister 1-1-'13