User:Aethix/HowTo:Write a C++ program
“In C++, STDs are standard.”
So, you want to write a C++ program. You want to use your computer for something other than surfing porn sites, do you? You should know, it won't be easy. You must be an 1337 |-|@X0r to succeed. Are you an 1337 |-|@X0r? ARE YOU? HUH? Can you even understand what I'm saying? Oh we've got so much work to do. You have much to learn, young C student. Nevertheless, I am willing to teach you. Now, come with me, as we explore the exciting world that is C++.
Download an IDE[edit | edit source]
Let's face it, you can't program in MS Word, so you need to find an IDE and a compiler on the internet. So just open up your browser, close out all the porn sites, and find a free, open-source IDE. Now then, download the binary. You know, the download would go a lot faster if you weren't also downloading porn. Are we done yet? Excellent. Now then, just install it. Good. Hey, this isn't so hard, huh? Now just open it up...
My new IDE
Alright! You've got green on the screen already! Wait, that isn't right. WTF is going on here?
Consult the user guide[edit | edit source]
Okay, don't panic, just go back to the website you downloaded the IDE from. There should be some sort of instruction manual or something. What are you looking at me for? I'm just here to teach you how to program, not fix your little problems. Okay, lets see...
My IDE help - Interwebz Explorer
Okay, those are nice, we might use those later, I have no idea what you're talking about. How about the actual IDE itself? No? Nuts...
Ask some random geek on the internet[edit | edit source]
Okay, we probably aren't the only people who have experienced this problem, the internet is full of smart people who can help us. No, I don't think anybody on those porn sites can help us, but hey, nice try. Okay, I've gone to an online help forum, and I'm asking for help. And I'm done--what do you think? Well, I may have made you look kind of n00bish, but you've got to learn somehow. Oh wait, I just figured out what we're doing wrong, we need to add a source file. You'd better delete that. You can't? Wow, that's kind of embarrassing, huh? And those are some rather scathing replies, there. Sorry about that.
Your first program[edit | edit source]
Okay, you've wasted a couple of hours of your life and become an internet laughing stock, but you're ready to start programming!
We should start with a simple "Hello world" program, as all little n00bs should. Er, sorry. First, get off of the porn site... off... Now open up your IDE... Create a frickin' source file like I told you to... Just close out all those error messages, they aren't important. Now we are ready! Are you ready to write your first C++ program. Don't just sit there shaking your head, say "YES!" You are ready! YES! YOU! ARE! W00000000T!
I'm... I'm so proud of you. Sniff...
Let's get started. Hello, world. A new pwnz0r is born. Okay, now just type what I show you in the little box there...
My Shiny New IDE
#include <iostream>
using namespace std
int main
{
cout << "Hello world"
return 0
}
Alright, now just build and run and it should say "Hello world". Alrighty let's see here...
My Shiny New IDE
Expecting semicolons.
You forgot the semicolons.
You seriously forgot the semicolons?
LOL! U forgot the semicolons!
What a n00b! Go back to looking at pr0nz, n00b!
You seem to have acquired a particularly mean IDE. That's okay, you just need to put in some semicolons at the end of every line. Why? I don't know, somebody important decided we had to. I don't know, just put in the semicolons. Why didn't I tell you that sooner? Oh, what? This is my fault now? I suppose it's my fault everybody is LOLing at your n00bishness on the interwebz too. That's right--N00BISHNESS! N00B-ISH-NESS! Okay, okay, calm down, breathe, man, breathe. It's all cool. Let's just that try again...
My Shitty New IDE
STFUn00b! SYNTAX ERROR! SYNTAX ERROR! 68 errors detected.
Do you have any fucking idea what a semicolon is!?!?!
SEMICOLON!!1!
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
See? SEE?
;'
Hell, this program is so poorly written, it might be dangerous.
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU!
Running killerapp.exe...
Oh dear, that's not good.
Buy a new computer[edit | edit source]
Yeah, it's too bad about your computer there. Hey, don't blame me, you should have been good enough to overcome my shortcomings. It was... you know... a test, you see. And you failed, so you must pay the penalty. LOL j/k, man, I'll buy you a new computer. I've got lots of money, you know. Mad programming skillz helps you to get rich, like Bill Gates. He didn't get rich by sitting on his ass and browsing porn. He was an 1337 |-|@X0r. You still don't know what I'm talking about? N00b... Sorry.
Alright, here you go. Try not to wreck this one.
You got a new computer.