User:15Mickey20/HowTo:Hunt down paedophiles and cut their balls off

Do you know where your children are? Are you sure?

Childhood used to be a happy time. In days of yore, youngsters could spend their days wandering the local neighbourhood with a sherbet dib dab in one hand and a football or skipping rope in the other. They were carefree times, when kids could laugh and prance down the road, with no need to fear for what could be lying around the next corner.

These days, there is something to fear. Paedophiles stalk the streets, like snakes hunting innocent little mice. They lurk in the shadows, like thieves after your hi-fi. They infiltrate decent society, like a bad smell that is going to rape your children.

In the last two years alone, there have been no fewer than two high-profile abductions on British news. Children, ripped from their families, when they were just children, subjected to unspeakable horrors at the hands of paedophiles, who prey on children. Admittedly, one of these abductions was faked and one was technically in Portugal, but this string of abductions is a shocking statistic nonetheless. The question is, "How long until it's your child?"

What can we do? We can't rely on the government, that's for sure. They're too worried about human rights and they need "evidence" before they go after the sickos that will rob us of our children. If anything is to be done about modern society's rampant paedophile problem, it's going to have to be the parents that do it. This article will prepare responsible parents for the menace of paedophilia.

Know your enemy

Some estimate that you are never more than ten yards away from the nearest paedophile. You can't tell for sure who they are, but they are there. They're like the Vietcong. One sure-fire way of identifying perverts is by their presence on the sex offenders register. While, in America, the public have access to information on local paedophiles, this basic right is denied in most other nations, leaving parents forced to bribe the police. Of course the register only accounts for convicted offenders; there's new scum emerging all the time.

Like most evil human beings, all paedophiles are male. They are normally loners and are marked out by their ownership of an internet connection. They go for walks in the park and spend their money on Haribo. They may also own a van. Sound like anyone you know? Sound like anyone you don't know?

In the playground

Wait, that looks like a man's hand. Oh my God!

Swings, slides, roundabouts, danger. Children love going to the playground, but unfortunately, so do paedophiles. An adult should accompany kids at the playground at all times. Ideally they should also have an M16 or an AK-47 in their hands.

The fact that you can almost guarantee to find a peadophile at any playground, means that this is the perfect place to strike back and protect your children, by taking the perv's balls off. To do this, you will need to arrive at the park on a nice sunny day, with a child, an extra adult (female) to hold the child's lead and the M16, or the AK-47.

Now you need to identify the paedo. It is a well known fact that 20% of the male population are paedophiles. Look around. If there are five or more men in the park, then there's definitely one around. Study them carefully and decide which looks the most rapey. When the moment is right shout "Oi, pervert!" at the top of your voice. If they turn to look in your direction, then that's all the confirmation you need. Take out your gun and aim for the crotch. Better make this shot count, because you can only have one and still claim self defence.

With a bit of luck, you won't have shot a child and there will be one less sexual deviant in your local area. You will have done your duty as a parent.

On the internet

There's one. There's one. There's another one.

Since the invention of the internet sometime in the 90s, the number of men infected with paedohilia has gone up tenfold. Scientists estimate that up to 90% of the internet is now either child porn or turns on paedos in some way. Not only do they look at kids on the internet, they also use it to rape them. This is why children should not be allowed to touch a computer, ever.

While the internet has become the nonce's greatest tool, it is also their greatest weakness. We went on the internet under the assumed identity of RosyCheeks, an 11 year old boy who likes playing football, hanging out with his friend and trying new things. Within minutes of logging on we were approached by Pauly, another supposed child, who also liked "hanging out with his friends". The sicko peppered us with questions like "Whassup?" "Do u like video games?" and chillingly, "where do u live?"

Eventually, we had been groomed enough to be invited around to Pauly's house to "play." Armed with a tranquiliser gun and a rusty breadknife, we descended on Pauly's house at the appointed hour. There, we found Pauly to be a twelve year old boy. These paedophiles keep getting younger and younger.